belonging

Day 371

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What is health?

“A state of (complete) physical, mental and social well being and not just the absence of disease or infirmity.”
Hence, it is an important resource.

What is Mental health?

“The emotional and spiritual resilience which allows us to enjoy life and survive pain, disappointment and sadness. It is a positive sense of wellbeing and an underlying belief in our own, and other’s dignity and worth.”
Another priceless resource.

It is often during adolescence that mental illnesses presents. The young are reluctant to seek help because they worry about what others will think of them. They may not even realise that they need help. They might feel confused and distressed about how they think and feel.

For their families, separating normal adolescent behaviour from mental health problems may be very difficult, further delaying diagnosis. Being secretive as they develop independence, withdrawal, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, changing eating habits, mood swings, argumentative behaviour and struggling with school are not necessarily signs of an illness but they could be.

In the last 25 years the incidence of mental illness in the young has gone up by as much as 70%.

Why is this happening?

Here are a few differences that come to mind. 25 years ago:

  • Bonds between members of a community were stronger.
  • There were more communities one could belong to.
  • Families stayed together or near each other.
  • Most families had two or more children whereas now many have one child.
  • Parents worked but not as many hours as they do now.
  • The pressure for both parents to work was not as high as it is now.
  • Everyday life was not dominated by screens of one kind or another.
  • Children could have the luxury of solitude. It is near impossible now.
  • Sex and violence in media were under some control.
  • Young people could make career choices based on who they were.
  • Adult life didn’t start with a big loan – the university or college fees!
  • Young people didn’t feel as insecure about their futures as they do now.
  • There were more open spaces.
  • Extremes of wealth were not so visible.

In a nutshell, there was more connectedness amongst people and between nature and people. Perhaps, just as we have depleted the resources of the planet so too we have depleted our personal resources. The disequilibrium we have created around us seems to be reflected within us.

Day 370

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Mothers and fathers who were bereaved up to 20 years ago still seem to be heartbroken. It sounds like it could be endless, this pain. Apparently it does change in intensity. While walking with one such parent I said, “Each day I start afresh, as though I have just found out. This horrible thing has happened. There is nothing I can do to change it. It is final. I have no say in the matter and it is so so sad!.” She said that now, for her, it is the same with seasons. When the summer comes, she thinks about her daughter and how much she will be missed during the summer. So it goes with every season. Is that any better? I have no idea.

There is no escape, no short cut, no magic formula. The only way to get past it is to go through it. Whenever my son found something really difficult, I would say encouragingly, “That’s what makes it worth doing.” I would lead by example and apply the same principle to myself too but now that I have been put to the test, I am not doing so well. Today was not a good day at work. It was inefficient, disorganised and boring! That made everything seem much worse. I love my job and have always been grateful for it. In the past I have spent more time working than I have to or need to. So much is changing. Will I recognise myself in a few years? Will my son recognise me?

Today I carried my compounded unhappiness around with me. It found expression at a most inopportune moment. It was not fair on my dear friend who happened to be there, peacefully getting on with her life.

I need to consider how to be more mindful of the potential impact of what I say on those around me.

Day 365

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I often thought this thing would kill me.
Then I found that I survived one day and then a month and now, a year.
Life does go on. I don’t know how, but it does.
Even after everything seems to have come to a grinding halt, the sun rises the next day and the days pass. Then the seasons come and go, as if in a dream.

The anticipation of today had been causing me some angst over the past few weeks but today was a surprisingly pleasant day. At one point it did hit me hard but sitting with my eyes closed for a while took me through that torrent. The time spent with friends and family, far and near was a reminder of the fact that having known him closely, we had all been transformed. He is now an integral part of who we are. He is inseparably embedded in us. All of us have been touched by an angel. Thinking of him brought more smiles to faces than tears. That is who he is – someone who makes people happy. We were able to honour and celebrate that. We recounted some of his peculiar turns of phrase, funny mannerisms and quirks. We thought about how he would have tried to make his best friend burst into laughter when the traditional prayer ceremony was going on and how much he would have enjoyed the food.

He stood for fun, creativity and love.
His light shone through the darkness.
I feel blessed yet again to be his Mum.

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” – Rumi

Day 364

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She is 30 years old and ready to start having babies. She notices a bit of pain in her tummy and is told by her gynaecologist that one of her ovaries is huge and needs to come out. She lands on my operating list this morning.

We discuss various pain relief options and come up with a plan. The operation goes really well. The tumour is the size of half a rugby ball and it’s out. However, afterwards her pain is unbearable! We try out this and that and the other. Wait and wait some more. She starts to get drowsy and sick and we need to do something more to help her cope. Watching someone in pain is distressing. Having discussed the ‘injection in the back’ (epidural) option in detail with her earlier, I now decide to go ahead with it after a quick chat with her.

3 hours have now passed.
It’s time to go home.

15 minutes after the procedure, she is sleeping peacefully. I gently whisper her name to see if she will respond. She half opens her eyes, looks at me, smiles and says, “Thank you! I feel so much better.”
I thank her.
Today I really needed to look after someone and make them feel better. Thank you!

In the past I have thought of myself as a very empathic person. Now I know that there is always scope for more.

Once again, it’s all about love.

“Nothing is lost forever. There is a kind of painful progress – longing for what’s left behind. And dreaming ahead.” – from the film ‘Still Alice’.

Day 347

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Through various conversations over the past 15 months or so, I have come to understand the difference between empathy and sympathy. So, how are they different?

Empathy fuels connection whereas sympathy drives disconnection. There are 4 qualities of empathy:

  1. Perspective taking: really putting oneself in someone else’s shoes and seeing the world from where they are standing.
  2. Staying out of judgement: really difficult given how much some of us enjoy the ‘judging’ without even knowing it.
  3. Recognising emotion in other people and then communicating it.
  4. Feeling with people: Empathy is a sacred space. Like someone is in a deep dark hole, saying, ”I am stuck and overwhelmed.” It’s about me jumping into that dark hole, standing beside them and saying, “Hey, you are not alone. I am right here with you. I know what it’s like.”

Sympathy is, saying from afar – Ooooh! It’s bad! Is it? Can I get you an ice cream?

Empathy is a vulnerable choice because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something within myself that knows that feeling. Rarely does an empathic response begin with ‘At least….’.

“I lost my son.”
“At least you got to experience motherhood.”

Putting a silver lining on it when something painful is shared is most unhelpful and un-empathic.

We often try to make things better. But rarely can a response make something better. When someone says, “I just feel so bad, I don’t know what to say”, it seems like they get it.

What makes something better is connection.

( Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw )