In 1980, two young girls living in northern Sri Lanka committed suicide by eating the seeds of Yellow Oleander, a common ornamental shrub that grows in most parts of the tropics and is cultivated across Sri Lanka in gardens and hedges. In the following year there were 23 cases of oleander poisoning, apparently spurred by the publicity of the first suicides. There are now thousands of cases every year.

It is not unusual for suicides to happen in clusters. These are also called ‘Copycat’ suicides or ‘suicide contagion’ for obvious reasons. Many researchers believe that highly publicised media accounts of suicide lead to an increase in suicidal behaviour.

In 1994, the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention published recommendations for the media that could be equally applicable to all of us when we speak or write about suicide.

1. Not presenting simplistic explanations for suicide – as suicide is a result of a complex interaction of many factors.
2. Not engaging in repetitive, ongoing or excessive reporting of suicide in the news – this tends to promote and maintain pre-occupation with suicide among at-risk people, especially the young.
3. Not providing sensational coverage of suicide – especially avoiding the use of dramatic photographs, for the same reason as above.
4. Not reporting on the ‘how-to’ of suicide – avoiding technical details of the mechanism and procedures used.
5. Not presenting suicide as a solution or a means of coping with a problem. Hence avoiding it being perceived as an attractive option by an at-risk person.
6. Not glorifying suicide or persons who commit suicide. This may suggest to a suicidal person that society is looking up to this behaviour.
7. Not focussing entirely on the suicide completer’s positive characteristics, but also acknowledging their problems.

One suicide is one too many. Let’s do everything we can to bring down the crazy statistics.

It’s the small things that get you.

My last visit to the recycling centre was with him. The cushions they would not accept lay in an Ikea bag in the boot of our car for a long time. They represented a connection, continuity. Today the cushions are gone. While that means letting go, it also tears me apart.

The first ‘Mother’s Day’ has come and gone after his passing. I was with friends in India on the day. They thoughtfully did their best to hide the fact from me and I played along.

At work this morning a patient asked me casually about how many kids I had. I was completely taken by surprise, not knowing what to say. I wonder what the correct answer would be. I am sure the factual answer would be very different from the one in my head and heart.

Going back to work has been a source of strength while it has also made me realise how physically weak I am. The welcoming words, hugs and gestures of colleagues have been uplifting. The genuine happiness on friend’s faces on seeing me has made me feel honoured to be so lucky to be working with such a lovely bunch of people.

More than ever before, I am sure that things that matter the most are usually small things, people and hugs.

“Equanimity” is defined as steadiness of mind under stress. It must be the perfect state to be in. Is it really possible to be in that state for most of the time?

Yesterday my partner and I visited the railway station where it happened. The last time I was there was on Day 0 – the same day that he was there for the very last time. I have been using it nearly everyday for the past 8 years. But yesterday was different. I was there just to sit. I did not intend to travel. Just sit. Be. Listen. Dissolve.

The loud screeching sounds of the metal wheels, the hum-drum of people around, the announcements, the red and green lights, the CCTV cameras, the automatic doors opening and closing – all the things he must have experienced that day. What courage and determination it must have taken! The desperation. The resolve. The point of no return.

The 4 posters at the 4 corners of the station were new – lime green and white in colour.

“We’re in your corner. Whatever you’ve done. Whatever life’s done to you. No names. No pressure. No judgement. We’re here for you. Anytime. SAMARITANS 08457 909090”

Thank you for being there. Amazing work!

Sitting with my eyes closed feeling his presence in my heart, feeling one with him, I felt deep deep sadness. Tears fell and grief engulfed me. My longing for him set my heart beating frantically and ripped my spirit apart. I felt shattered and could not understand anything. I felt broken and burnt by the onslaught of anger and the flames of all possible emotions.

I know this is all a part of understanding, of healing, of loving deeply and completely.

“Love isn’t wonderful all the time, it is struggles, it can be chaos, it can lift you up and it make you fall, but within those times that you break, there is beauty, there is honesty, there is clarity, and there will be peace.” –Blogger “feminin1”

Today was a day of firsts – first train ride, first day back at work and the first invitation to speak to a gathering of Mums on depression and suicide prevention. 🙂

We first met about 7 years ago. She seemed special from the very first meeting. Our acquaintance turned into a deep friendship. We had much in common – our passion for music, our interest in the intriguing drama that is life and our sons. Over the years, she turned into my soul-mate, however cheesy that may sound. She got to know me better than I knew myself.

Last evening I saw her after 4 months. It was like meeting myself again. The old me – happy and fulfilled, spending life meaningfully and joyfully, having the energy to fit in all kinds of activities into my days, doing a lot of voluntary work, upbeat and smiling.

After she left, I looked at myself in the mirror. I felt reacquainted with myself. I smiled even though there were tears in my eyes. I felt stronger. Through her I could believe in myself again. I could count on her and I could count on myself.

Sometimes we can only see our own light in those who reflect it through their love.

I changed my earrings from the staid studs that I have been wearing for months to a pair of nice long rose quartz danglers. I felt light.

We’ll be alright. I am sure.

Thanks Ana. I love you. xxx