‘This leaf, so complete in itself,
Is only part of the tree.
And this tree, so complete in itself,
Is only part of the forest.
And the forest runs down from the hill to the sea,
And the sea, so complete in itself,
Rests like a raindrop
In the hand of God.’
-Ruskin Bond

Even now as I wake up in the morning, my first thought is of him but the degree of sadness associated with it is a bit less. A few days back I decided to consciously associate his thoughts with gratitude. Despite the grief, I feel so fortunate to be chosen to be his Mum. He brought so much joy to this world.

So every time I think of him I say a big thank you! He really was a ‘master in disguise’ for me, teaching me not just about impermanence but many other lessons; living life to the fullest with great enthusiasm, to dearly cherish friends and family and make time for them, to excel in everything I do, to be kind and sensitive and to spread smiles and laughter.

Now it is for me to not only learn those lessons but to live them.

It is ironic that some comedians should commit suicide. There must be a dark side to being sunny and funny. We have a recent example in Robin Williams who made the whole world laugh for many years and then succumbed to his demons.

Here is the proposed theory on how it starts. Say there is a kid who feels a bit different for whatever reason (wearing glasses, being overweight, foreign or just plain different) over which he has no control. At some point he makes a joke or has a fall or some such thing that gets a laugh from the room. A positive reaction that he can control, a buffer that keeps anyone from getting too close, a barrier that helps him keep the part of himself that he does not ‘like’ hidden away or use his insecurities and fears as fuel for his jokes.

Soon he could get so good at comedy that a false persona is created which represents him and people can never get past it to see the ‘real’ him. The jokes keep the crowds happy and everyone at a safe distance.

Have you ever had that funny friend, the class-clown type, who one day just stopped being funny around you? Did it make you think they were depressed? It’s quite possible that for the first time they were comfortable enough around you to drop the act, in which case, the ones who kill themselves are funny right up to the end.

What about the ones who stop being funny because they are actually depressed? How do we tell the difference? They stop being funny and we hardly have time to understand them before they are gone.

http://www.cracked.com/quick-fixes/robin-williams-why-funny-people-kill-themselves

He was a straight ‘A’s student right from the start of his schooling till his second year at University which was his last year of formal education before his illness was discovered. While he was at school, the Parent-Teacher Meetings (held in the same hall where his Memorial service was held in November last year) were a great source of joy. His teachers were more than happy with him. He asked intelligent questions. He contributed well to school activities in and outside the class and they enjoyed teaching him. They had no concerns whatsoever.

Intellectual ability delays the diagnosis of mental illness as the patients are smart enough to handle it and hide it for a long time. They can find out everything about their illness and know the implications. They feel the sense of loosing themselves very acutely and it pains them deeply. They worry about what they might loose next. They are very concerned about how they might be perceived as they are used to being very good at whatever they do. There is too much uncertainty and too much at stake. I know these things to be true for my son.

Today I watched the film ‘Still Alice’. The protagonist has early Alzheimer’s, a mental illness with behavioral implications. She reminded me of him and gave me a deeper insight into his world. Great film and a well deserved Oscar for Julianne Moore. In one scene she says that she would much rather have been diagnosed with cancer. I understand what she means.

I hope mainstream media puts more attention on increasing the awareness of mental illnesses. It’s good some celebrities are. Here is a TV interview by Stephen Fry that is as always, honest, compassionate and informative:

“I was the wind last night –
I vaulted the mountains and crossed seven rivers.
And turned aside the tall trees guarding the valley.
I caught glimpses of you through the window
As I wandered around the little stone house.
They would not let me in; too cold a wind!
I hung around listlessly, afraid to call too loud.
Then like a weary man limped homewards over the sleeping mountains.
When will I learn the secret of stillness?”

– by Ruskin Bond

And now, I think I have learnt something of the value of stillness.
In it I find relief from thoughts, events and happenings.
In it I find everything that I look for outside, within myself.
In it I find myself. I find some light. And lightness.
I find forgiveness.
I find glimpses of divinity.
Possibilities and hope.
Most of all I find love for myself.
And the ability to give myself a hug for everything I have been through.

Unless I feel love for me, I cannot feel the love that is around me.
Thank you Stillness. 🙂