Meet me in Cognito, baby,
In Cognito we’ll have nothing to hide.
Let’s go incognito honey,
And let the world believe we’ve died.

Meet me in Cognito, baby,
Of course we’ll have to color our hair.
The best thing about life in Cognito
Is that everybody’s nobody there.

Meet me in Cognito, baby,
We’ll soon leave  our pasts behind us.
The present is always a mystery,
And the future never fails to remind us.

So do join me in Cognito,
You know that I’ll never tell.
We’ll sneak in the back door of Heaven
And stroll unnoticed through Hell.

Incognito
Incognito
There, every day’s a surprise.
Incognito
Incognito
Where truth tells all the best lies.

– From Villa Incognito by Tom Robbins.

Well. He’s not coming home ever again and that is an utterly painful reality of my physical world. I seek him in the clouds, the ocean, the rain, the cool breeze and everywhere else. I am just tired of feeling this way. I wish I could find a way of not hurting so much. I look at my face in the mirror looking for glimpses of him and I catch a few in my eyes – a very similar shade of brown but his eyes were so beautiful. This is so not fair. This void that sits there like a huge ‘NOTHING’ all the time. What am I supposed to do with it? I have tried to ignore it but that doesn’t work. It is just there. All the time!!!

The Golden Gate bridge in San Francisco is possibly one of the best known and most photographed bridges in the world. It opened to the public in 1937 and the engineers claimed that it was highly impractical and improbable for it to be used to commit suicide. How wrong they were! It’s popular. 1600 people have since used it for that very purpose and many have visited it with that intention but have been dissuaded by the police patrol on duty. In the past there was no formal guidance available for these police officers but they did their best. Now they are well equipped through proper training to deal with these situations.

What should one do or say if one knows someone so close to the edge?

Do – 1. Listen to understand

2. Be there

3. Look out for warning signs (if there is time) – Hopelessness, helplessness, social withdrawal and loss of interest in life.

Say – Possibly give them an opportunity to speak about it. Something like – Others in similar circumstances have had very  dark thoughts about ending their lives. Have you?

I wish I had known these things before.

This very sensitive talk by Kevin Briggs, an ex-patrol officer at the Bridge says it all:

http://www.ted.com/playlists/175/the_struggle_of_mental_health

I wonder if railway staff should be offered training of a similar kind? After I go back to London, I have to make peace with my local railway station where it happened. Just thinking about it makes me sick.  I suppose I shall cross that bridge when I come to it. The collateral damage done by suicide is immeasurable. There is no victim support as suicide is not a crime. But of course, I must go on.

His business card read – Play the drums. Be Happy 🙂

To me it means – Do your thing. Be Happy.

I will.

Today I read an article which for the first time in many months filled me with optimism. It is about this centre in Detroit which has not had a single suicide among its patient population in the last 2 and a half years. I did not think that was possible but am delighted to know that it is. Here it is:

http://www.henryford.com/body.cfm?id=46335&action=detail&ref=1104

I also listened to a 19 year old boy speak with so much wisdom and courage. It was humbling and inspiring. His honesty struck me right in my face and broke my heart.

http://www.ted.com/talks/kevin_breel_confessions_of_a_depressed_comic?language=en#t-560396

My son’s school and University as well as my hospital have responded very positively to suggestions of finding ways to work with me to increase awareness of depression and suicide.

“We’re people, we’re people,
We struggle & we suffer & we bleed & we cry
And if you think that true strength means
Never showing any weakness then I am here to tell you,
You’re wrong. You’re wrong.
Because it’s the opposite.

We’re people, we’re people
And we have problems
And we’re not perfect and that’s ok.
So we need to stop the ignorance, stop the intolerance,
Stop the stigma. Stop the silence.
We need to take away the taboos.
Take a look at the truth and start talking,
Because the only way we’re going to beat a problem
That people are battling alone,
Is by standing strong together
And I believe that we can.”
-By Kevin Breel.

I agree.

Just before Christmas five years ago, I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis at an Outpatient clinic in the Department of Rheumatology by a Professor of Rheumatology. The same morning I was given at least 5 booklets on various aspects of the illness and the medications prescribed. They included all the relevant contact numbers in and out of hours. The side effects of the medications were explained to me. I was even enrolled into a research project that was being run in the department.

My son was diagnosed with hypomania in a very busy Accident and Emergency department during working hours. The Registrar spent a fair bit of time speaking with him and spoke with his father and me briefly as well. Medication was prescribed and his care was handed over to the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT). Aside from ‘Hypomania’ nothing else was mentioned to us. On the first day, another Registrar along with a Nurse Specialist visited us at home and asked us a few details about him. They did say that Olanzepine might cause him to put on weight. We were not given any information about the illness or the implications of it for the family. Neither were we given any reliable list of resources that we could access ourselves. A few days later I spoke with the CMHT Registrar on the phone and asked him specifically what I need to know. I distinctly remember him saying that sometimes it is just a one-off aberration in behavior. So, not to worry too much.

The same team came to see us a couple of weeks after he passed away and then mentioned that 1 in 4 patients with Bipolar will die by suicide. Did we not deserve to know this earlier on? None of the websites mention it clearly either. I understand that unnecessary worry is avoidable but I feel this is a high enough incidence for it to be mentioned to the family especially if the care is taking place at home after a newly diagnosed illness of this serious nature. Does it cost that much to get some basic leaflets printed? He was never actually seen by a Consultant. Does it cost that much for one direct consultation with a Consultant Psychiatrist?

So, parents are not well equipped with support or information and Psychiatrists loose the patients in the system. Who takes ownership of these patients? What is their life worth?

In the month of June he went for a gig to Dublin with his band and had a great time. He phoned me nearly everyday, which was a very pleasant change from before. He shared a lot about his music and his friends. He seemed to be really enjoying himself and his drumming. He shared how amazed he was at his ability to be able to hear each little strand of sound in any piece of music and completely decipher the entire arrangements of very complex pieces. He was on a roll.

A summer prior I had felt a distance between us and shared that with a friend who said that boys need to distance themselves from their Mums to be able to establish their own identities. Not to worry, he would come back after a while and now that was happening. Yay!

He came home a few weeks later with a lot of love for his grandparents who were visiting at the time. He would be up every morning in time to have breakfast with them, which was surprising but fantastic! He was enthusiastic about taking them places and showing them around London. Wow! Finally, he was coming around.

He was full of ideas and energy. He did not need much sleep and was very proud of it. He felt he was able to read really fast and felt great about that. Sometimes I thought he spoke a bit more than normal and I put it down to youthful optimism and self-confidence. He would even make morning tea in bed for me on my days off which was like a dream come true.

It was his closest friend who spoke with me privately and expressed concern. All he said was, “this is not the friend I know, something isn’t right”. I knew, but it was not obvious what exactly that was. It was confusing. Later we found out it was early Hypomania.

Over the last few days I have made contact with his school and university as well as my hospital. I have proposed that we work together to increase awareness of mental illness amongst young people. They are the most vulnerable group and often know each other better than their parents. So, hopefully if they are better informed, they can look out for each other, like his friend did.

Thanks Hugo! You are a star!

Here a couple more songs dedicated to him by his friends:

https://soundcloud.com/dontstealoursun

https://soundcloud.com/joaquimandthesmokemachine/breathe

The drumming in the second song is by my baby. Enjoy!!!