Today was a day of exploring the concept of ‘Karma’ which is an eastern theory which explains the present circumstances of an individual with reference to his or her actions in the past, during this birth or previous births. The fundamental assumptions of this theory are that reincarnation is for real and that the soul is immortal. Is that why some of the loveliest people leave the planet early? It must have something to do with their actions in their past birth. The same goes for their loved ones, who suffer due to their ‘karma’.

The Masters have spoken about past lives – ‘We choose when we will come into our physical state and when we will leave. We know when we have accomplished what we were sent down here to accomplish. We know when the time is up, and we will accept our death. For we know that we can get nothing more out of this lifetime.’

This rings true for me because during the last few weeks of his life, my son did not enjoy anything of this world and had no contribution to make towards anything. The fact that he could not be himself was painful for him. He coped with it for as long as he could.

It is 7 weeks today since he passed away. I only realised today was a thursday towards the end of the day, which I suppose is a good sign. While walking uphill on a mud track this evening I was starting to break into a sweat when out of nowhere a gentle breeze started to blow. I could feel him in the air, in the sunset, in the clouds, in the smiles of the village kids, in my heart.

All of us are divine sparks of the universal light. He has merged back into the light and shines bright as ever, keeping a special few rays for me. Thank you my darling. I love you so much!!!

This evening I went out to see the glistening mountain range in the light of the setting sun. The scene was exquisite to say the least. The colours, the ambience, the silence, the overlapping hills making layers upon layers, a bit of dreamlike mist in between the layers, a few twinkling lights on hillsides – altogether a spell-binding landscape! I just stood there completely mesmerised!

I happened to turn around only to find the taxi driver looking utterly bored! On starting up a conversation with him, he said none of the locals cared about any of this.

That is us. People, places, things, activities – how many of these we think will always be there for us. Do we really stop and look at how wonderful the people we have in our lives are? Do we take enough time to tell them how much they mean to us? Do we make them feel good about themselves? Are we truly grateful for them everyday? The same goes for the ability to be able to ride a bike, walk and talk, to have the food of our choice, to have nice clothes to wear, to be able to see and appreciate beautiful sights, to be able to hear and enjoy conversations and music, fresh bed linen, tea served at the perfect temperature, so on and so forth.

If my son saw what I have just written, he would say – ”You are so ‘soft’! Such a ‘light-weight’!” I know. I love you too. 🙂

As per the astrologers, Mercury was ‘retrograde’. Three or four times a year, Mercury passes the earth in its orbit. This creates an illusion that Mercury is spinning backward. This planet rules communication, travel, and technology. So, one can expect all of these to go haywire during this three week period. The last one was October 4th – 25th. So, Day 0 was bang in the middle of it. On top of that, Virgo is ruled by Mercury and I happen to be a Virgo.

Is this why when I look back, it feels like half my brain was missing! Why could I not see what I can see now? On Day 0 I had a distinctly uncomfortable feeling when I put the phone down after giving him a wake up call. I noticed that I had been speaking a lot more than him but that was not entirely unusual. So, I let it go. On the phone to a friend, I remember saying 2 things – I wish I did not have to come to work and I had a strong suspicion that we were missing something but I could not put my finger on it. I wish I had paid more attention to my intuition.

The ‘retrospectoscope’ is a wonderful thing but now it is so painful to go through these facts in my head over and over again. The umpteen number of savvy guides on ‘how to survive Mercury Retrograde’ summerize it in 3 words – re-examine, accept and move-on. I want to do all of these but I am still stuck on the first one. The second one comes and goes but the third one seems to be a million miles away!

He was an excellent human being, linguist, percussionist, cricketer, badminton player and actor.

Of course I am biased but his friends and teachers have reinforced this many times in the recent past. In fact, his drum teacher thought his musical ability was quite exceptional. The only time he was asked to leave the classroom was when he sneezed too loudly, which, unfortunately for him, just happens to be our family trait. Since he was in primary school, without studying drama, every year he managed to bag a fairly substantial role in the annual play at school.

There is a fair amount of literature out there which supports the co-relation between creativity and mental illness, especially mood disorders. The classic ‘tortured genius’! One of the studies (The Iowa Writer’s workshop study) has found the incidence of mental illness to be 3-10 times higher in highly creative writers as compared to educationally matched control groups. The psychiatrist conducting the study also found that the exceptional creativity in these gifted artists comes not because of their tortuous mental health but despite it. To name just a few examples, Van Gogh, Virginia Woolf, Leo Tolstoy and Stephen Fry.

This makes me think of the co-existence of opposites – brilliant on the one hand and helpless on another.

Well, it is no consolation. I am just looking for explanations when there are none.

An exceptional young cricketer passed away today – Phil Hughes. I am so sorry! I hold him and his family in my thoughts and prayers.

Today is my mother’s birthday.

I woke up with the same old emptiness and a sense of burden of another day! But soon thereafter, I thought about how special my Mum is to me. So, I made a conscious effort to make it a really special day for her. I wrote out a card and gave it to her along with her gift. We went for a film followed by a nice lunch. In the evening the entire family gathered together for a celebration. I felt quite ‘normal’ for most of the day. I even cracked jokes. Wow! I surprised myself. His picture was sitting on the shelf and every time my eyes fell on it, I felt a pang of sadness but I just acknowledged it and carried on.

May be we can’t see him but he can see us. May be he was in the room when we were cutting the cake. May be he is helping me in some way. He would not want me to be stuck in an unhappy place. May be I need to think of every day as a special day, which in fact it is. Just as kids are gifts, so is life.

Today is exactly 6 weeks! As time is passing, I worry that my memory of him will fade. I just never want to forget anything about him. I am going to start speaking about and writing down all the funny phrases he used to use, the little stories, the incidents shared by his friends and everything else I can think of. I must do everything I can to keep his memory alive. I am not alone in this. So many of his friends are doing the same in their own special ways – writing and singing songs dedicated to him, holding open mike evenings in his memory, raising funds for Bipolar related charities through other activities. They are also my friends now as they constantly reach out to me and let me know that they are holding us in their thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much! I can see why he loved you and wanted to spend all his time with you guys. 🙂