Day 324

He said “Sorry” in his suicide note, “I can’t take this anymore.”
He knew this would be hurtful for me and for others who love him.

What would he want for me now?

He would want me to be happy.
To acknowledge his suffering.
To honour his decision.
To be at peace with myself and with the world around me.
To experience deep joy and satisfaction in everything I do.
To look after myself – eat well, take my medicines in time and exercise regularly.
To continue using Apple and not go back to Microsoft.
To remember all the good times.
To do my best to help others in his position.
To know that I did my best to help him.
To feel good about him and about myself.
To laugh a lot even if he is not here to make me laugh.
To give the love I want to give.
To ‘chillax’ and stay ‘coooool’.
To enjoy the ‘goodings’ things of life.
To sing, dance and celebrate what is.
To know that he is never too far away.
To have lots of fancy dress parties.
To not define my identity with his death.
To move on and create something beautiful.
To hold him in my heart with love, not pain.
To set him free on his journey with blessings.
To be kind to myself and everyone else.

To know that our souls are indestructible and we both are everlasting parts of the Big Consciousness.

To know that we will meet again soon.
To believe that everything is alright.

I think.

Mainly, to be happy.

Day 323

Moving from a busy, noisy place to a quiet, calm one means that I hear the sounds in my head even more. While there is a lot of newness to experience and more space to be, the feelings also have more room to surface and find expression.

Right now they are not allowing me to keep any food down and making me feel really tired. Unable to do anything but sit, I watched the sun go down behind the hill and light up the sky in magical shades of pink and yellow. Just as I started to feel the darkness setting in, a kitten appeared from behind a tree and headed towards a red bowl on the ground. Finding no food in the bowl, it circled around it a couple of times. Then, another one showed up and then 2 more. The 4 siblings went on to put on the cutest show of childlike fun. They climbed up and down the trees, chased each other around, hissed and clawed at each other, tumbled around and played beautifully. The food soon arrived and they were so tiny that they had to precariously balance themselves on the edge of the bowl to get their food without falling in.

I enjoyed watching them. They reminded me of Milkshake. My son and he could entertain themselves for hours with laser lights and string balls. At night they would cuddle up and sleep.

There are so many things to hold and cherish.

Why is it that the mind tends to latch on to the negative stuff? One can go to the most exotic places on earth but the mind comes with you. There art lies in allowing the beauty to surpass the sadness.

Day 319

He would have loved Lagos (Portugal). It has a warm, light and relaxed vibe about it. The air is clean and fresh, the sky and the sea emerald blue. It is multilingual and multicultural with a German bakery, a Dutch supermarket, an Irish pub and a smattering of tokens from all over the world. 8 months of the year one can get by in shorts, t-shirts and flip-flops which is what he preferred to wear even at the near freezing temperatures of the English winter. He would also have thoroughly enjoyed the real piri-piri sauce given his passion for hot food.

The one thing he would not have liked is a dark period in the history of Lagos. In the 15th century it had a market at which slaves, imported from North Africa, were sold. The building that housed the slave market has a wide porch and double arches. It still stands on the seafront as a constant reminder of that inhuman practice.

This is the new normal. When I am in a new place, I wonder what he would have thought of it, how he would have reacted or felt. The ones we love are always in our hearts.

While these thoughts were going on in my head, our Yoga teacher this morning read out this ‘Mantra of love’ –

“Because I am the only person I will have a relationship with all my life
I choose
To love myself the way I am now
To always acknowledge that I am enough just the way I am
To love, honour and cherish myself
To be my own best friend
To be the person I am happy to spend the rest of my life with
To always take care of myself so that I can take care of others
To always grow, develop and share my love and life.

Om peace, peace, peace.”

Day 317

Pablo Neruda (1904-1973) was a Chilean poet who won the Nobel Prize in Literature in 1971.

In an essay called ‘Childhood and Poetry’ he speculates the origins of his work. He was raised in Temuco, which he describes as the farthest outpost in Chilean life. A rainy and mountainous town with the main street lined with hardware stores. Since the local people couldn’t read, the stores hung out eye-catching signs such as “an enormous saw, a giant cooking pot, a mammoth spoon or a cyclopean padlock. Farther along the street, shoe stores- a colossal boot.”

When he was still a little boy, playing in the lot behind his house one day Neruda discovered a hole in a fence board.

“I looked through the hole and saw a landscape like the one behind our house, uncared for and wild. I moved back a few steps, because I sensed vaguely that something was about to happen. All of a sudden a hand appeared – a tiny hand of a boy about my own age. By the time I came close again the hand was gone and in its place there was a marvellous white toy sheep.

The sheep’s wool was faded. Its wheels had escaped. All of this only made it more authentic. I had never seen such a wonderful sheep. I looked back through the hole and the boy had disappeared. I went into the house and brought out a treasure of my own: a pine cone, opened, full of odour and resin, which I adored. I set it down in the same spot and went off with the sheep. I never saw either the hand or the boy again. And I have never seen a sheep like that either. The toy I finally lost in a fire. But even now when I pass a toyshop, I look furtively into the window. It’s no use. They don’t make sheep like that any more.”

“This exchange of gifts – mysterious – settled deep inside me like a sedimentary deposit,” Neruda once said. And he associates the exchange with his poetry. “I have been a lucky man. To feel the intimacy of brothers is a marvellous thing in life. To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life. But to feel the affection that comes from those whom we do not know, from those unknown to us, who are watching over our sleep and our solitude, over our dangers and our weaknesses – this is something still greater and more beautiful because it widens out the boundaries of our being, and unites all living things.

That exchange brought home to me for the first time a precious idea: that all humanity is somehow together. It won’t surprise you, then, that I have attempted to give something resiny, earth-like and fragrant in exchange for human brotherhood …..

This is the great lesson I learned in my childhood, in the back yard of a lonely house. Maybe it was nothing but a game two boys played who didn’t know each other and wanted to pass to the other some good things of life. Yet maybe this small and mysterious exchange of gifts remained inside me also, deep and indestructible, giving my poetry light.”

I’ve been a lucky woman too. Strangers and acquaintances, physical and virtual, of the present and the past are friends. We exchange some ‘good things of life’ while trying of make something good of the not-so-good things of life.

I am grateful for you and for the light you bring.

Day 316

Last 5 months have been about coming back from a distant orbit in space to the humdrum of ‘normal’ life. Making sense of the world again and somehow carrying on believing in the ‘bigger plan’. Settling down once again in the house and work while continuously testing myself on how well I can cope with people, surroundings and the demands of work.

It has also meant learning to live with my partner. He moved back from overseas to be with me. It baffles me to think how much difference the presence or absence of one person can make. When I was shrouded in darkness by the disappearance of the light of my life, another source of light and lightness appeared. Because he is here, I can cope. He is my strength. He makes me laugh. He helps me see things from different angles. He tells me when I am wrong. We work hard. We share good times with friends. We cook and clean and do the laundry together. He loves my cats. We talk. He is here. I like living with him.

After 5 months, we left the house for a short holiday. My neighbour will feed the cats, water the plants and light a candle for my sweetheart every evening. I cried as I drove off in the taxi feeling like I was once again abandoning him, knowing full well that is not the case. It’s funny how ‘knowing’ and ‘feeling’ are two completely different things.

Separation is the painful end of one thing and also the beginning of other infinite possibilities