gratitude

Day 225

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“I am fine.” – a lie spoken by millions everyday, I am sure. Reasons? Lack of time, lack of sincerity in the person asking the question, lack of closeness, fear of loosing friends if we were honest, not knowing how to translate feelings to words, believing that no one actually cares, politeness …..

As for me, I go from being an upbeat and smart professional to a romantic partner to a busy householder to a mother subsumed in grief. I am learning just to be in the moment, one hundred percent. Whatever role I am in at any given moment, I just live it to the fullest – laugh whole heartedly, work well and hard, be fully present to everyone around me, feel terribly sad…..whatever. One moment at a time. Every moment lived to the full cannot amount to anything less than a life lived to the fullest with all its flavours, seasons and hues.

The deeper the experience of sorrow, the higher the joy. I appreciate my smiles and laughter much more than before. The tender moments shared with close ones and new memories created are more precious now than they have ever been. Tears still come effortlessly but my eyes are less heavily laden with them compared to a month ago.

Today while watching TV, my eyes drifted away from the screen and came to rest on his beautiful gentle smile in the picture on the mantle piece. I looked into his bright smiley eyes and my heart melted. I smiled with gratitude and tears in my eyes.

“There is a sacredness in tears.
They are not a mark of weakness but of power.
They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.
They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love.”
Rumi

Day 224

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The more you resist, the more it persists.
After resisting it for many months, I gave in this afternoon.
I read the text messages we had exchanged, listened to the voicemail messages from him and read some of the letters from his close friends written soon after Day 0. It may seem like a step back but it wasn’t. It helped. I could hear him say ‘love you’ and ‘thank you’. I could feel the closeness between us. It felt beautiful to be called ‘Mamma’. For a few moments I felt like my old self. Complete. Happy.

Here is an excerpt from a letter from one of his friends:

“When we were in Uganda, I fell into a very dark place. Whether it was just home sickness or the side effect of malarone or a mix of the two is hard to say; but what is most clear is that had it not been for your brilliant son, I would have packed my bags and gone home in the first week. I still remember there was a night in Busia when I was so depressed that I had no appetite and just sat crying at my food. This was a particularly serious problem for me as I had not eaten in three days. He calmly stood up, walked over to me and held me in his arms, patiently waiting for me to recover and then he made me eat my entire meal forkful by forkful. I will never forget that display of care and generosity that characterised him so much.

Memories of his charm and humour on that trip keep coming back to me; the sort that made complete strangers gravitate to him; the sort that made you want to better yourself and become more empathetic and more accepting of people, like he was.”

It seems like he instinctively knew the things that I am learning now. As parents, sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that we know more than our children. That may be true in some areas but not in others. There is a lot we can learn from our children.

Day 223

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Gone to the Unseen

At last you have departed and gone to the Unseen.

What marvelous route did you take from this world?

Beating your wings and feathers,
 you broke free from this cage.

Rising up to the sky 
you attained the world of the soul.
You were a prized falcon trapped by an Old Woman.
Then you heard the drummer’s call
 and flew beyond space and time.

As a lovesick nightingale, you flew among the owls.
Then came the scent of the rose garden 
and you flew off to meet the Rose.

The wine of this fleeting world 
caused your head to ache. 
Finally you joined the tavern of Eternity.
 Like an arrow, you sped from the bow 
and went straight for the bull’s eye of bliss.

This phantom world gave you false signs. 
But you turned from the illusion
 and journeyed to the land of truth.

You are now the Sun -
what need have you for a crown?
 You have vanished from this world -
what need have you to tie your robe?

I’ve heard that you can barely see your soul.
 But why look at all? Yours is now the Soul of Souls!

O heart, what a wonderful bird you are.
 Seeking divine heights, 
flapping your wings, 
you smashed the pointed spears of your enemy.

The flowers flee from Autumn, but not you -
You are the fearless rose 
that grows amidst the freezing wind.

Pouring down like the rain of heaven
 you fell upon the rooftop of this world.
Then you ran in every direction
and escaped through the drain spout . . .

Now the words are over
 and the pain they bring is gone. 
Now you have gone to rest 
in the arms of the Beloved.

-Rumi

Day 209

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Newborn babies were one of the reasons I liked being an obstetric anaesthetist, one who looks after pain relief for laboring mums, women undergoing Caesarean sections and everything else to do with bringing babies safely into this world. I loved holding the little things, talking to them, generally coochy-cooing with them and taking pictures of them with their mum and dad (which incidentally becomes part of the job).

At social gatherings my son often used to jokingly warn parents of babies to watch out for me as I could easily steal one of their little ones. He knew I loved them.

Since I have got back to work, I have been doing the same job but I feel nothing when I look at the newborns. Nothing at all. I just look at them.

Today there was a bright eyed baby boy who caught my eye. He held my gaze for what seemed like a long time. His little facial muscles twitched frequently causing miniscule movements in his forehead, lips and cheeks but his eyes stayed locked in mine. At one point it seemed he was going to cry but he didn’t. He just looked at me.

I was taken by surprise. I was forced to say, “ Welcome, Trouble!”.
And smile.
Recycling at its best.

Day 208

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The conversation amongst 4 people at the dinner table next to ours at a restaurant went like this- “We ran into him at the ski resort and he continued to address me as Sarah instead of Sandra. It was so annoying!” said one quite exasperated. “Yes. Our neighbor is a bit like that and he always has a skip in front of his house. This morning it disappeared to my great relief. Only to reappear in the afternoon!” said another. The third lady had severe issues with inheritance tax. I really enjoyed listening. It made me smile.

So did this note from a friend: “There seems to be a continuing struggle between our wish for more communal, cooperative lives and the attractions of egocentrism. I hold a door open for someone coming after me, they say thank you: a common positive spirit has lit up between us. I do the same thing and a person walks through talking on their phone without acknowledgement, the light flickers out. I hope that you’ll find enough of the common positive spirit to sustain you.” I do.
There is more positivity in this world than we allow ourselves to express or experience.

This poem on ‘undefinable’ relationships by an amateur poetess did too:

I have a story about us.
You may like it.

Is it true?
Certainly not.
But it is a most satisfying lie.

Hmm..
The truth?
Truth has no words,
You know that.
Wonder why people claim to speak it.

You have the truth.
Or half of it.
My half is a twinkle in the eye
shrugging off the words
with no meaning
chuckling softly
at this frantic search for a cloak that fits.

Let the truth be.
Let us trade stories
Till these new clothes
Fit better.