gratitude

Day 207

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It’s strange how tiny details of the most stressful times have come back to me now, when I am able to think again.

I clearly remember the lady I spoke to when I called the emergency services (999) on getting home and finding his note. She spoke calmly and politely while I was in a state of shocked frenzy, pleading with her to find my son for me. She gently kept me engaged in conversation till someone arrived. She must have known what had happened while I did not. How difficult must her job be!

When the two Transport Policemen arrived, I noticed one was noticeably senior to the other. He was the one who spoke to me and gave me the news along with my son’s belongings. I remember him saying, “I have done this many times but it never gets any easier.” He was very empathetic. He did his job very well but what a sad thing to have to do on a regular basis!

A big thank you to all the people involved in looking after individuals and families who find themselves in a situation similar to mine! You make a big difference everyday.

Today I was reminded of these kind people when I saw a Mental Health awareness desk at London Bridge station being run by staff from the Transport Police with the aim of preventing suicides. Apparently they have started educating railway staff on how to identify and approach people who might be contemplating suicide on railway platforms. I learnt that pacing up and down the station, going into the far corners of the platform and taking off ones shoes and ritually placing them on the platform are some of the signs that indicate the intent of suicide.

These initiatives made me happy and sad at the same time. I signed up as a volunteer. That made sense.

One little step at a time. One person at a time.

Day 203

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The last 4 and a half hours were spent with a few of his close friends at our home, eating, drinking, hugging, laughing, talking and sharing ideas about working together and organizing events in order to raise awareness of mental health issues and generate funds for mental health charities.

I can’t remember having such a creative and fun time with his friends ever before. One of them commented, ”There can be no silver lining but I am so glad I have gotten to know you guys so well over the last few months.” Us too.

At a recent support group meeting one parent described bereavement by suicide as a huge concrete block that has landed in our living room. Initially it is just there all the time and all we can do is look at it. There is no way of getting around it. Slowly we make adjustments to be able to move about despite it being in the way. Eventually little plants start growing from underneath it. That is what is happening. Over time may be these plants will bear flowers and fruits. May be they will form a garden. But the concrete block will always be there, in our living room and our life. 

“I shall pass through this world but once. If, therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good things I can do, let me do it now; let me not defer it or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

The need for raising more awareness was further highlighted by this story of a young athlete, Madison, who hid her struggles and her illness behind her gorgeous instagram pictures. She tragically ended her life at the age of 19. Everytime I hear a story like this, my heart breaks, yet again.

Day 201

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Happy 21st Birthday my Jaan!

The day you were born is fresh in my memory. It seems like it was just a little while ago. That was a happy happy day. I used to talk to you before you were born and I still do. Some things stay the same.

Last year we spoke about your 21st birthday celebrations and I offered to hire a pink limo for you and your friends to go into town in. We shared some other crazy ideas like that. In reality we knew that you would probably be at university and I would be at home. It turns out you are out in the universe and I am at home.

Since last night I have been receiving messages on your behalf from our family and friends. Your friends are taking good care of me. You should be really proud of them. I didn’t know you had so many friends who loved you so dearly. Here is a sample message “He was the most beautiful person, inside and out and I miss him everyday. I’m wishing him the happiest of birthdays and sending all my love to you and him.” You never cease to amaze me.

We baked your favourite chocolate brownies. They were absolutely yummilicious!!! In my mind I have shared them with you. I know you are beyond the physical world but I would come back for these if I were you.

All forms of separation, disconnects, divides, partings, breakups, and goodbyes are temporary.
We’ll be together far, far longer than we will ever be apart.

Day 198

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This evening I knocked on my neighbour’s door to borrow a couple of onions for a tortilla I wanted to cook for dinner. She didn’t have any. She said my son used to occasionally knock on her door for the same reason. We both smiled. She then said,” I would just substitute it with celery. That’s what I once told him.” So, that is what I did. I substituted 2 onions with a stick of celery. It made me feel like my son and I had shared this event with each other and had a laugh.

I look for a connection with him everywhere. In the kitchen, the local park, in the sky, the local shops, his friends, his school and teachers, in daisy chains, the sun behind the clouds, music … everywhere.

When a child is born, the parent’s lives change forever.
When a child dies, it is the same.

The park bench was the perfect place to sit facing the sun with my eyes closed. I sat silently feeling the coolness of the breeze and the warmth of the sun at the same time. I just sat still with my eyes closed. An indeterminate amount of time later I found a deep connection inside. The connection between me and myself, between me and my son, between me, the universe and beyond. I felt one with everything and everybody. I felt completely at peace. Everything felt perfect. I felt happy.

Later I understood that all those things that I try to find outside of me are actually present within me already.

Day 197

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A beautiful young lady sat opposite me across the table on the train. She took out a little sequined rectangular sachet from her big huge black handbag that could have housed a small Romanian village. She dipped into her handbag and produced a packet of hand wipes, pulled one out and thoroughly cleaned her hands. She proceeded to unzip the sachet. Out came 3 little differently sized beige coloured make up thingies. She opened one, poured a dollop of the fawn coloured thick creamy fluid on to her left index finger and dabbed it all over her face. She opened the mirror that was on the inside of the lid of the square pot and spent the next 4-5 minutes just working the stuff into her facial skin with both hands. She took great care and made sure that her hairline was fully integrated into the face. She checked and rechecked for perfection from various angles. Her fingers twitched every now and then like an artist anticipating her next stroke.

Thereafter she proceeded to the next layer, then the cheeks, the eyelids, eyes, under-eyes and finally the lips. All done meticulously! This routine was only interrupted by periodic cleaning of hands, worktop and the various pots. She was completely immersed in her ritual oblivious to everything around her. She spent 33 minutes doing what takes me 2 and a half minutes at most. To me she looked beautiful before and after.

For those 33 minutes I was completely taken in by her ritual. I thought of it as her sharing something very personal. I was grateful to her for taking my attention away from my own thoughts for a while. Stepping into someone else’s world is refreshing. May be I’ll see her again sometime. May be I won’t.