Day 689

What does life want from me?
Now, after all this, what do I want from life?

When I was 20 something I thought that most 50 year olds had the answer to those questions. Ha! I look around and find many others my age in a similar place.

A journalist once asked Mahatma Gandhi what his message was and he replied, “My life is my message.”

I suppose life just wants us to live as joyfully and meaningfully as we can. At present it feels as though the orchestra is playing and the dance floor is ready and I am standing at the edge, listening but completely dumb-founded and frozen.

Is it my ‘ego’ that keeps me feeling this way or is it natural? Am I capable of turning this around? What does that even mean? What would that look like? I think I am doing my best but am I really? There is no yardstick. There are no comparisons. Whatever the question, the answer is love. Being with love, being in love and being love.

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Day 684

Posted by kidsaregifts20

My dearest Saagar,

It’s my birthday today. It’s strange not to have you with me. Strange and painful. I miss you more today than other days if that’s possible.

This morning I visited your school and attended a talk by Dick Moore. It was intended for the teachers but I invited myself to it because I wanted to hear him speak. Some of your teachers were there. They came to me later on and spoke fondly of you, saying how unbelievable all of this was and how wonderful you were. I wholeheartedly agreed.

It broke my heart to be sitting in the very hall where we attended the parent-teacher meetings, the same hall where subsequently your memorial service was held and now this talk. It was an inspiring talk by another parent who had lost a son to suicide and learnt a lot and found the strength to share what he had learnt through this experience in a way that will benefit many hundreds of school children and staff.

At one point your beautiful picture was put up and it dominated the room and for a moment I couldn’t believe any of this was happening!

I had lunch at the same dining hall where you would have eaten every school day for 6 years. I sat on ‘your’ bench and watched the cricket nets where I had taken innumerable shots of your bowling over and over again. Only you knew the difference between one and the next. They all looked completely identical to me.

One of your friends came over and brought me a big bunch of sun-flowers and a very sweet hand-made card! I felt your energy in her smile and the big hug that she gave me. We went out for a Thai meal and I accidentally bit on a red chilly that absolutely burnt my mouth. In that moment I thought of you. Perhaps this was your naughtiness coming through. I am sure you were watching my streaming eyes from somewhere and having a good laugh. Can’t put it past you.

While I missed you terribly, the day was filled with you. Thank you my darling. I love you.

Yours,
Mamma.

Day 683

Posted by kidsaregifts20

A few weeks ago we planned my birthday get-together for today as it was most convenient. The last day of a long weekend. My parents timed their visit to London from India so that they could be here on this occasion. Everything was organised even though I didn’t want to think about it. The guest list was final, I almost didn’t want this day to arrive. It is one thing keeping things ticking along, looking ‘normal’, it is quite another celebrating. It is hard to feign happiness. The contrast between the inner and the outer landscape is too stark. Tears came flooding in at the thought of getting ready for the ‘party’.

I remember 2 years ago Saagar wished me a Happy Birthday today, one day before my birthday believing it to be the day. His illness was just turning from hypomania into depression. His cognition was majorly affected. He was known not to be very good at remembering birthdays etc so I didn’t worry too much.

‘Brain fog’ is a common description of this aspect of depression – diminished ability to think or concentrate and indecisiveness.
“It’s brilliant. You get to take these tablets that keep you half asleep till lunchtime and make you fat. You can’t concentrate on anything and you don’t want to talk to anyone unless you get so angry you want to shout at them. I hide in my room so I don’t end up shouting at my mum. I don’t want to be with anyone but I hate being by myself. I hate staying at home but I can’t go outside. Seriously, it’s brilliant.” – Beth.

“What would you like for your birthday?” I got asked.
‘No one can get me what I would like for my birthday.’

Despite that, it was a good day. The house felt like a happy place with all these loving and caring people in it – my parents, some of Saagar’s friends and some of ours and some both.

It feels unnatural to be celebrating but…

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Day 682

Posted by kidsaregifts20

100 kms, 2000 meters of ascent (and descent), 25 hours, much pain, a few blisters, no sleep and very little rest later, it was done. The South Coast Challenge. Inspired by our 25 K flat, riverside walk last year that he found terribly easy, with great enthusiasm Si signed up for this long arduous walk about 10 months ago. I promised to support him and do a couple of practise walks with him. Despite having had many odds against him, Si completed it with a smile.

South Coast Challenge

More than 2000 participants got together to support various charities. All around us there were pictures, memories, a few tears and the will to make a difference. I wish I had the time to get each person’s story. Si walked in support of PAPYRUS (https://www.papyrus-uk.org/), a charity dedicated to prevention of young suicide. At the last stop he said that if Saagar would see him in his present state, he would have a good laugh. He would laugh so much that he would cry. It was in fact raining lightly. May be that’s what it was.

It was interesting for me to be in the supporting role for a while. The waiting, hanging around, remembering the details of what would be needed when and being there just to provide moral support – small things but they meant a lot to both of us. That he is here with me and we share our lives and values so deeply – I didn’t know this was possible. It is and I feel so lucky! So proud!

Day 676

Posted by kidsaregifts20

One of Saagar’s close friends, a young lady reminisces:

You laugh till you cry, squinting your tiger eyes
But tell us to hush when your parents call.
In your Dulwich voice you say, ”Be quite guys!”
And in your Indian voice you pick up, making us fall about with laughter, like when you do your godly pose or carry Seb around your waist, provoking hustle and bustle to get a good shot of you as you put on a show wearing a quite tight t-shirt to show off your muscles.

As the parties continue, drinks are going both ways (Who owes who drinks? I’ve lost track of the debt) whilst you start charming the ladies with your le francais and protect them from drunks proceeding to get with them. Then when all is nigh you third-wheel on a couch, never in bed, you can be found asleep on the floor, snoring like a silver spoon is clanking in your mouth, a noise that not even sleeping logs could ignore!

And when we wake and board the train I stare at your long toe-nails, forever on my mind. I beg you to cut them as you offer to share your pungent fish curry, which I have to decline. I am just glad you didn’t wear flip-flops that time we ate dinner at mine with my religious uncle and aunt(who you mistook for my grandma) and they both said that you wanted to marry me, me thinking “you can’t be serious” as it would have been like incest.

Plus our music tastes conflict (metal’s not my thing) but back on track now to mention that you give the best hugs and your previous girl-friends continue to sing your praises, more or less along the same lines…