Today is my mother’s birthday.

I woke up with the same old emptiness and a sense of burden of another day! But soon thereafter, I thought about how special my Mum is to me. So, I made a conscious effort to make it a really special day for her. I wrote out a card and gave it to her along with her gift. We went for a film followed by a nice lunch. In the evening the entire family gathered together for a celebration. I felt quite ‘normal’ for most of the day. I even cracked jokes. Wow! I surprised myself. His picture was sitting on the shelf and every time my eyes fell on it, I felt a pang of sadness but I just acknowledged it and carried on.

May be we can’t see him but he can see us. May be he was in the room when we were cutting the cake. May be he is helping me in some way. He would not want me to be stuck in an unhappy place. May be I need to think of every day as a special day, which in fact it is. Just as kids are gifts, so is life.

Today is exactly 6 weeks! As time is passing, I worry that my memory of him will fade. I just never want to forget anything about him. I am going to start speaking about and writing down all the funny phrases he used to use, the little stories, the incidents shared by his friends and everything else I can think of. I must do everything I can to keep his memory alive. I am not alone in this. So many of his friends are doing the same in their own special ways – writing and singing songs dedicated to him, holding open mike evenings in his memory, raising funds for Bipolar related charities through other activities. They are also my friends now as they constantly reach out to me and let me know that they are holding us in their thoughts and prayers. Thank you so much! I can see why he loved you and wanted to spend all his time with you guys. 🙂

This evening I accidentally came across a note in my journal from exactly 2 months ago – 26th of September.

In a nutshell it said – ” Back to basics – family, love and gratitude; Becoming – not just doing; Healing, resting, taking stock, clearing up and blessing; Forgiving; Living and being happy; Having faith and not doubting; Smiling, growing and celebrating!”

It is as true for me today as it was then, even though everything around me has changed. It sounds terribly aspirational to me now but at some level it is already happening. It feels as though I am caught between seemingly opposite positions – I need to keep his memory alive while letting go of the pain associated with it, I’ve got to be strong while grieving as much as I need to, I really want to keep myself occupied yet nothing seems worth doing anymore, i want to learn more about the illness and ways of making things better in the future for other people but it’s just too late already! I want to support my parents through this difficult time but they are actually looking after me like I was a baby.

My friend sent me these lines (by The Wayfarers lyric) that rang so true for me and brought me peace –

”Memories of you haunted me each passing night

My soul ravaged by emptiness, my eyes craving your light

Not having you near me to touch and to hold

Left my heart aching … lost and cold

But then I learnt to close my eyes, shut out the loneliness and pain

And I found your essence within me and I never felt empty again.

For you will always be … within me.”

A big thanks to all my friends without whom I would be nothing. I cannot thank you enough!