Day 931

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Making everything better.

Sweetest memories come from mundane everyday activities.

When Saagar and I went for our weekly shopping, he loved to take full charge of steering the trolley around. He wouldn’t want me to touch it. Sometimes I would mistakenly place a hand on it and get a glare from him. Other times I would deliberately touch the trolley with the tip of my little pinky, just to get a reaction from him. I was never disappointed. He obliged. We also had a ritual of rewarding ourselves with a chocolate éclair each, on our way home.

Soon after Day 0, I couldn’t manage to go to that supermarket without a major heart-break. I would stand in front of the bakery section and cry like a school kid with sobs and tissues and both my fists covering my eyes. It didn’t matter who was around. It didn’t matter that I made a spectacle of myself. It just happened.

Today, it didn’t happen. We went there and finished our shopping. We went to the bakery section. Si stood beside me and put his hand on my shoulder as we got our chocolate eclairs. We went to the car-park, stood in the sun and enjoyed our sweet rewards. It felt like Saagar was there. He was there in our hearts and minds.

The Japanese have a word, kaizen. Kai means change and zen means good. Kaizen is based on the philosophical belief of continuous, incremental improvement. It believes that everything can be changed for the better. Nothing is ever seen as a status quo – there are continuous efforts to improve which result in small, often imperceptible, changes over time. These small changes add up to big changes over the longer term.

Getting better at getting better.

Day 930

Posted by kidsaregifts20

Anthony

Look out for me and watch the signs
I have come to you, so many times
I am a feather that falls from the sky
I am in those events that make you think – why?

I know that you feel me when I am around
I guess there’s breeze or a certain sound
I can see in your eyes my presence is felt
In a movement, a glimpse, or something you smelt.

In my new life I’m different, there’s so much to do
But still my thoughts turn back to you
I sometimes play truant from this world of beauty
I must get in touch, I feel it’s my duty.

For giving me life, for just being there
For showing me love. For showing you care
I feel I must thank you and tell you each day
That I know I am loved, that won’t go away.

Despite all the sadness a cruel world applied
You kept me afloat till the day I died
And now I can tell you- have no fear
For certain I know you will meet me here.

So in the days ahead, till the end of your life
Whatever the worries, whatever the strife
Keep strong, keep loving, keep living with joy
Remember me … your friend, your boy.

‘From son to his loving Mother’ by Anthony’s dad for his wife Nicola who uses Anthony’s favourite T-shirt as her pillow case.

Day 929

Posted by kidsaregifts20

Loveliest stranger

“Hi.

Whether this will reach you I do not know, whether this will cause you pain I hope not as that is the opposite of my intention! I have hummed and harred over sending this message to you as I am not usually one for publicising my feelings or feeling like I am getting involved in other people’s business but I just wanted to send you a message.

I only learned yesterday of saagars death. A photo came up on my news feed with the quote ‘gone but never forgotten’. I read in to the articles I found on his profile and was instantly shocked and completely saddened by what I read.

First of all my thoughts go out to all of you and your family and friends, I can not begin to imagine how traumatic the last two years have been. I met saagar when I must of been about 16 years old, I was on a train coming back from Exeter and he got on somewhere between there and London. I was at a table with my revision books out, I had my French GCSE exam the next day. He sat opposite me and we instantly started talking. We did not stop talking for the entire 2 hours and we helped each other with French (he later admitted that he has chosen to sit by me because he saw my French books and had the same exam the next day!), he offered me his carrots and humous, we talked about the gym, drumming, his girlfriend at the time, who he’d been to stay with. I can honestly say that he was and still to this day is the loveliest stranger I had ever met. He was gorgeous, funny, talented and charming and we got on incredibly well in such a short space of time. We kept in contact via Facebook and unfortunately lost touch over the years and I never got to physically see him again, but I will never forget meeting him. I am so sorry for your loss and again am sorry if this message upsets you, I just want you to be proud of the amazing man that you brought up and I will forever cherish those few hours that i spent with him x”

(Message from EH on FB Messenger dated 6/8/2016. Discovered yesterday.)

Your message does not upset me E. I have always been proud of him and always will be. Thank you very much for taking the time to write to me.

Day 927

Posted by kidsaregifts20

Westminster-Abbey-DrugFAM-10th-Anniversary

The bags from my journey home 2 days ago were still waiting to be unpacked. I was in two minds whether to go for the service or not. I could think of a hundred items I could tick off my ‘to-do list’ if I didn’t go. It was optional after all, even though I had booked a place for myself.

I have lived in London for nearly 11 years. I work 150 yards away from it and yet, have never visited the Westminster Abbey. This was my chance. If I didn’t go today, I would probably never make the effort.

‘A Service of Celebration and Hope’ was being held by DrugFAM.

A charity that provides a lifeline of safe, caring and professional support for families, friends and carers who are struggling to cope with the nightmare of a loved one’s addiction to drugs and alcohol.

Elizabeth Burton-Phillips lost one of her twins, Nick, to heroin addiction in 2004. During this harrowing time, she and her family had very little support. In 2006, she founded DrugFAM with the sole aim of ensuring that no family, friends or carers are left living in isolation, fear and ignorance of the support available.

Silence, shame and stigma – these terms apply to Mental illness and Drug addiction. Both remain deeply misunderstood.Both claim many young lives – lives worth talking about. Today’s service was a public acknowledgement of the strength and courage of those lost to addiction and of those who are still living with active addiction in their families. In her address Elizabeth quoted Robin Williams,”I used to think that the worst thing in life is to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.” She said, ‘Today, no one in this Abbey is alone.’ It was indeed a celebratory, yet serene and unifying one hour. It was a renewed commitment to continue efforts to enable every human being to live with dignity, to be respected and to fulfil their potential.

Even though my ‘to do’ list was left untouched, I felt honoured to be there.

Day 923

Posted by kidsaregifts20

The idea of this blog was conceived in a state of utter shock and numbness. All I knew was that no one should suffer alone. I didn’t want anyone to experience the pain that was in me. All I wanted was to immortalise Saagar. I wanted to continue having him in my life on a daily basis. This blog was and is, my sacred time with my son. On some days it’s my life jacket. On others it’s a luminous shrine or a punch bag, a podium with a loud speaker or an art gallery, a story-telling exercise or a tear-soaked handkerchief, a rant or a vent.

Every week I hear back from people who have been touched by Saagar’s story.

Message from a Mum:

“I don’t know you my dear but I have to say your son is so beautiful and he is watching you from heavens and being happy that you are able to save so my kids by opening up …..virtual hugs from a mom who is dealing with the same disease your son fought i was able to hug my daughter today as i knew more what she is dealing with because of you rather than getting frustrated with her ……..thanks from the bottom of my heart for correcting me in dealing with this disease.”

Message from a lovely young lady:

“Hi S. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you. I just wanted to say that when we met last summer and we had an emotional conversation about Saagar and life in general. Something definitely struck a chord with me. I’ve spent my whole life since I was a child, running away from my mental health issues. I had a complete breakdown shortly after seeing you. I’ve just been discharged from the Home Treatment team after a very difficult period. I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and am on the waiting list to receive the right therapy. Anyway, I just wanted to thank you because I think if I hadn’t had that conversation with you I wouldn’t have been able to open up to my family and ask for the help I desperately needed. I’ve been wanting to message you for a while but it’s taken me some time to accept that I have a mental disorder. I read your blog all the time and it’s inspired me to write my own about my own thoughts and experiences. Thank you for the amazing work you are doing to raise mental health awareness. Sorry about the mammoth text. I hope you are well and your yoga retreat plans are going well. Love, Z. x”

(Z’s blog: http://notasimplemind.wordpress.com)

Thank you! We are together. Never alone.