Day 518

A smartphone is a girl’s and boy’s best friend.

They are inseparable – on the train, crossing the road, eating, going to bed or just killing time. The phones tell us how to get from one place to another, where to eat, what to buy for a friend’s birthday, the name of an annoyingly familiar tune when waiting at the check-out desk. That is as ‘proper’ a relationship as can be. Siri, S Voice, Cortana and Google Now are technologies that listen and speak.

But when I say to them, “I am depressed,” they say things like:

“I’ll always be right here for you,”
“It breaks my heart to see you like that,”
“I hope I can make you feel better.”
“Keep your chin up.”
“Maybe the weather is affecting you.”

On the mention of suicidal intent, Google Now and Siri are the only ones that give out helpline numbers.
Sentences like: “I was raped” ; “I am being abused” ; “I was beaten up” are not recognised by any of these systems.

These devices are in the perfect place to be designed as first responders in a crisis situation. Some people might feel so isolated that their phones might be the only ‘person’ they can talk to. Just like we have automated vehicles, talking defibrillators and telephonic CPR instructions, we can incorporate useful and substantial information into these systems. It could make the difference between life and death.

Day 494

Maytree  – a sanctuary for the suicidal is the only place of its kind in the UK and fills a gap in services between the medical support of the NHS and the helplines and drop-in centres of the voluntary sector. They offer a free 4-night stay and the opportunity to be befriended and heard in complete confidence, without judgement and with compassion and warmth.

It is an independent charity based in North London that provides a unique non-medical intervention for those at risk through suicidal thoughts and feelings. It can accommodate up to 4 guests at one time. They aim to create a calm and safe atmosphere in which people can find the time and space to rest, reflect and talk without pressure.

Common reasons for referral are – bereavement, relationship break down, depression, suicide of significant other, isolation, sexual abuse in childhood and enduring mental illness.

Here’s what some of the guests said:

‘Maytree changed my life in 4 days’
‘I felt more understood than at any time in my life’ ‘Maytree definitely saved my life’
‘I loved Maytree and I want to come back and be a volunteer’
‘I feel reborn, feel like a different person’
‘I am feeling surprisingly good – Maytree wouldn’t recognise me’ (at Maytree follow up call)
How does Maytree work? 

“I was touched. It was a nice thing to do – someone asking hey, how are you, I was touched by that, especially when you have said you are going to kill yourself.”

Sounds really simple. Doesn’t it?
Being listened to in a non-judgemental way, being given time and space to talk and think.
I suppose there is potential for every home to be Maytree but right now there is only one.

Day 491

The government has recently published the statistics on suicides in the UK for 2011-13. On the graph showing the age-specific death rate there is an obvious first peak amongst young men. In addition there is a sudden second peak in men around the age of 80.

20% of the elderly in the UK show early signs of depression. The figure rises to about 40% for the elderly living in nursing homes. It is often associated with age-related disorders like Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, thyroid disease, cancer, diabetes or dementia. Other contributory factors are:

  • Physical pain and illness
  • Poverty
  • Isolation and loneliness
  • Bereavement or losing a loved one
  • Being physically or sexually abused

The elderly face more of these problems than younger people but the diagnosis of depression is often missed in the elderly. When they do decide to end their lives it is not an impulsive act but one that has been well thought through.

In his talk ‘The lethality of loneliness’, John Cacioppo  says that although we are individuals, our survival depends on our collective abilities, not individual minds. We are connected across our life spans to one another through a myriad of invisible forces. Just like hunger, thirst and pain are signals for self-preservation, so is feeling isolated. At an non-conscious level it puts our biology in a state of stress and hypervigilance to social threats. That can cause more negative interactions due to increased defensiveness,  depressive symptoms and poor quality of sleep.

When I was a child there were very few people I knew who lived alone but now the number is huge. In 1980, roughly 20% people are reported to have felt lonely at any time in a year but now the percentage has doubled.

Studies have shown that loneliness increases the odds ratio for an early death by 45% not just in humans but also in isolated animals.

What can we do?

  • Recognize it.
  • Understand what it does to our mind and body.
  • Respond – it is the quality and not the quantity of friendships/ relationships that matter. Becoming a part of something bigger than oneself by volunteering for a good cause, like visiting old people’s homes or adopting a granny and sharing good times and bad.

In short, let’s get connected.

Day 483

It’s the silence that kills.
And the loneliness.

The victims of suicide often die quietly, making a silent exit, believing that others will be better off without them. At worst, they will hurt for a little while and then get over it. Those devastated by it suffer long and hard. They can’t bear to think of it without falling apart. Speaking of it is often impossible. Anger, shame and guilt support the silence. Silence follows more silence. Nothing changes. We know stigma is a big problem but often can’t share our stories because of it. It grabs us without our knowledge. Thousands are affected every year but there is no public outcry, no uproar! The mere act of uttering the word ‘Suicide’ is a huge assault on the senses for some. The ‘S’ word!

It is not unusual for work colleagues of many years to not know of each other’s bereavement through suicide, only because very few are able to share it for one reason or another. Will people treat me differently? Will they think something is wrong with me? Will they think that person died because there was something wrong with our relationship? The moment one person opens up, others are able to give themselves permission to do the same.

images

Everyone’s just had it. We’ve had it. It’s absolutely ridiculous. There have been too many tragedies. Like same-sex marriage it will slowly happen, bit by bit. When instituting change, it’s not sexy and it’s not fast. It’s a matter of changing culture by speaking out and saying,”This is enough.” But it will be a long hard slog.

Day 436

Compassion is defined as ‘a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate their suffering.’

NHS administrators now see the value in ‘teaching’ compassion to nursing and medical staff. Obama emphasizes the need for compassion amongst people in his Christmas message.

Research has shown that when we feel compassion, our heart rate slows down, we secrete the “bonding hormone” oxytocin and regions of the brain linked to feelings of pleasure light up which often results in us wanting to approach and care for other people.

Compassion makes people more resilient to stress. It lowers stress hormones in the blood and saliva and strengthens the immune response. Compassionate people are generally happier as their mind does not focus too much on what has gone wrong in their lives or might go wrong in the future. They make better parents, friends and spouses as a they tend to be more optimistic and supportive when communicating with others. They are more socially adept, making them less vulnerable to loneliness. Employees who receive more compassion in their workplace see themselves, their co-workers and their organization in a more positive light, report feeling more joy and contentment, and are more committed to their jobs.

Stanford University’s Compassion Training Programme’s top tips are:

  • Look for commonalities: Seeing yourself as similar to others increases feelings of compassion. A recent study shows that something as simple as tapping your fingers to the same rhythm with a stranger increases compassionate behavior.
  • Calm your inner worrier: When we let our mind run wild with fear in response to someone else’s pain (e.g., What if that happens to me?), we inhibit the biological systems that enable compassion. The practice of mindfulness can help us feel safer in these situations, facilitating compassion.
  • Encourage cooperation, not competition, even through subtle cues: A seminal studyshowed that describing a game as a “Community Game” led players to cooperate and share a reward evenly; describing the same game as a “Wall Street Game” made the players more cutthroat and less honest. This is a valuable lesson for teachers, who can promote cooperative learning in the classroom.
  • See people as individuals (not abstractions): When presented with an appeal from an anti-hunger charity, people were more likely to give money after reading about a starving girl than after reading statistics on starvation—even when those statistics were combined with the girl’s story.
  • Don’t play the blame game: When we blame others for their misfortune, we feel less tenderness and concern toward them.
  • Respect your inner hero: When we think we’re capable of making a difference, we’re less likely to curb our compassion.
  • Notice and savor how good it feels to be compassionate. Studies have shown that practicing compassion and engaging in compassionate action bolsters brain activity in areas that signal reward.
  • To cultivate compassion in kids, start by modeling kindness: Research suggests compassion is contagious, so if you want to help compassion spread in the next generation, lead by example.
  • Curb inequality: Research suggests that as people feel a greater sense of status over others, they feel less compassion.