social isolation

Day 412

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The young lady, possibly 25 years old, sitting 2 tables across from me in the restaurant was alone as was I. Her phone was of course keeping her good company. She paid a lot of attention to it. Every few minutes she called a number and held the phone up to her ear. She got no response. Or may be she got the answer phone message. This happened again and again and again. Each time her face fell further and further to the floor. The light in her eyes diminished a little each time and she went pale and then paler still.
I watched her as discreetly as possible, wondering if she was ok. I wondered if she had called the same number each time or a different one. I wondered if someone was unwell or there was a wobble in a relationship or she wanted to make an appointment with her doctor or …… the possibilities were many.

After half an hour of this process repeating itself she got up to leave. There was no bounce in her step. It looked like she had dragged herself out. Her head hung by her neck. She was visibly upset. I was so tempted to reach out to her and ask her if she was alright and if I could do anything to help. I wanted to offer to stay with her and listen if she wanted to talk about anything. I would listen – no judgements, no advice. Just listen. But I didn’t do that. Or shall I say couldn’t do that? Living in big cities often doesn’t allow for offers like that. That kind of behaviour is far, far away from the norm. In fact, just making proper eye contact with a stranger is tricky. What I was thinking of doing would have probably scared her and she might have thought of me as a ‘freak’.

How come we live in a world where reaching out to someone in distress is not normal? Even if we don’t know each other, we know the human condition, the ebb and flow of life, the value of connectedness between beings. The next time this happens, will I do anything different? What is the worst that can happen? They might not accept my help, which will feel like rejection.

If I can be ok with that then I can do it.

 

Day 338

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“What makes cyber bullying so dangerous … is that anyone can practice it without having to confront the victim. You don’t have to be strong or fast, simply equipped with a cell phone or computer and a willingness to terrorize. (King, 2006)

Bullying creates memories that often last a lifetime. Simply hearing the name of a person who bullied them, even years or decades after the bullying occurred, may be enough to send shivers up the spines of many people.

When most adults think of bullying, they conjure up the image of a big thug who terrorized kids on the playground at school. The horrible encounters with this bully luckily came to an end as the victim left school and went home.

This is not the case with cyber bullying which, in the age of smartphones and social media, is relentless. It sometimes claims lives as the link below illustrates:

Here are some more facts:

  1. 4 in 10 kids have been bullied online, 1 in 4 has had it happen more than once.
  2. 70% of students report seeing frequent bullying online. Most teens use a cell phone regularly, making it the most common medium for cyber bullying.
  3. 7 in 10 teens agree that cyber bullying is a serious problem, while 8 in 10 think bullying online is easier to get away with than bullying in person.
  4. 90% of teens who have seen social-media bullying say they have ignored it. 84% have seen others tell cyber bullies to stop.
  5. Only 1 in 10 victims will inform a parent or trusted adult of their abuse.
  6. Girls are about twice as likely as boys to be victims and perpetrators of cyber bullying.
  7. Bullying victims are at least twice as likely to consider ending their lives.

Low self-esteem, suicidal ideation, anger, frustration, and a variety of other emotional and psychological problems result from this huge and relentless insult. The pity of it is that parents are often the last ones to find out as illustrated by these links:

https://www.dosomething.org/facts/11-facts-about-cyber-bullying
http://nobullying.com/facts-about-cyber-bullying/

Cyberbullying Facts

Such isolation and victimization in the midst of immense connectivity is a terrible tragedy.
Young people who want social change have set up this website  https://uk.dosomething.org/

Let’s all do something and not passively accept this as an unchangeable reality of the present times.

Day 337

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In the days and weeks after my son passed away, we had a constant stream of people in our house. Sometimes there would be nowhere to sit. Friends would send food as cooking in the house is traditionally not recommended until the cremation has taken place. Sometimes I would tire, but mostly I would be very grateful for these visitors – familiar, friendly, kind faces trying their best to see us through this treacherous reality. Just having them around was comforting. They didn’t have to say or do anything. Not once did I feel like anyone was intruding on anything.

Some of our English friends found this interestingly different from what they were used to. They really saw the beauty in it – a sense of community and collective strength. Crying, hugging, talking about him, drinking tea, having meals and sometimes even laughing and singing together.

Would I really have liked to be left alone when I was so fragile and distraught? I don’t think so. My mother really got that. Being alone was nearly impossible for me. It meant having to face the horror of it without any buffers. I couldn’t do it even after 3-4 months.

Some of the other bereaved parents have shared the same sentiment. It’s not good to be left alone at such a difficult time. It’s nice to be asked by a friend or a colleague to meet up for coffee or go for a walk. There is not much anyone can say to make it much worse than it already is but there are many ways of making it a little bit more bearable. Once again, it comes down to reaching out.

This week I saw my mortgage advisor. We have known each other for at least 4 years. He knew about my son’s death but for some reason he couldn’t acknowledge it. I am sure it is not because he doesn’t feel terrible about it but I wonder what stopped him. Is it really a cultural thing or is it the general discomfort with the issue of mortality or the fear of saying the wrong thing or the fact that nearly a year has gone by since it happened? Whatever it is, it is unnecessary. Saying, “I am sorry you lost your child” is human. Even after 11 months have passed. In this case, time means nothing.

Day 336

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After my son first went to university, I would find any old excuse to stay out till late after work, coming back home just in time for bed. I did this for a month before saying to myself, “You can’t keep running away from yourself.” After a few big cries, I found new ways of moving forward. I discovered Ikebana, long evening walks and Come Dine with Me.

Today I did the same thing. My partner is out of town tonight. So, I browsed through books at Foyles, walked along the South bank of the Thames, watched a contemporary dance recital and had dinner by myself at a nice restaurant. I read these beautiful lines about moving that deeply resonated with me – “Migration meant far more than a journey across unknown seas to strange lands. At times the desire to preserve a link with what had been left behind failed because of sheer distance. Tenacity was needed to keep alive some sense of permanence, some sense of the known. Often that devotion to remembered tradition was jolted by shifts and changes in the old home country. The passing of time and generations in the new lands brought its own inner journeys. It created its own powerful alchemy out of things half remembered or wholly rejected. Loss and gain were the materials out of which new ways of belonging both to the present and the past were crafted.”

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But ultimately, for me, home is not  just a place. It’s a person.

Day 327

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Yes. It’s nice when people say nice things about us.

For a little while it makes us feel better about ourselves and by the same token other people’s negative remarks can ruin our day. But is it wise to actually be dependent on other’s praise to feel good? Does other people’s opinion really matter?

As I have become older, I have realized that it matters less and less. I have come to admire people who express their individuality irrespective of what others think. It takes courage to do that. It’s much easier to blend in. We all are unique whether we can show it or not. Each one perfectly imperfect.

I always try to remember that opinions are only opinions. They are not the ultimate truth. On top of that, we change our minds from one instance to another. I can remember times when I have thought of someone as completely nonsensical but on getting to know them better I am able to appreciate them for who they are. Hence it is not worth getting knotted up over what other people think of us.

It was difficult for my son to be one of the very few coloured children in his primary school. When he was 7 he once asked me if I could change his name to Aron. It made me smile. As he grew older he too came to be not just comfortable with, but proud of, his heritage.

“Of all the judgements and beliefs each one of us owns, none is more important than the ones we have about ourselves.”
-Wayne Dyer.