the now

Day 526

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The three hour long smooth and peaceful train ride took us to the eggsemplary York station – classic architecture with clean loos. A short scenic car journey took us to Fountain’s abbey which was bustling with terribly eggcited kids and their parents navigating maps to get to their multiple tiny hidden oval destinations. The eggsotic surroundings and the shining sun made for the perfect combination for a family day out.

The multitudes of little painted bunny faces with tremendous egghilaration in their eyes were a pure delight to watch . As the afternoon went on some got eggsuberant and the others got eggshausted. Didn’t notice any eggstra-trestrials though.

The eggsperiment with the new shoes did not work as they gently eggscavated into the inside of my ankles with every step I took. To stop further eggsageration of pain, I took off the lovely new shoes and socks and walked bare feet on the eggsquisite grass. It is eggstremely good for the soul.

Enough I think. This picture from this afternoon’s walk says it all.

Happy Easter!

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Day 519

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Her hands were beautifully manicured. She dressed in colourful florals, laughed easily and smiled radiantly. She made us all laugh a lot. She wore lovely make-up and even had false eyelashes on! She seemed to be filled with joy and radiance. She lost her adorable 31 years old son to suicide about 5 years ago. She is determined to remember him for his wonderful-ness and for how beautifully he lived. Not by his last act.

“Death brings you in touch with the reality of life. Death creates a vacuum, a void. Void is the fertile ground for the spirit to manifest. All talents, invention, creativity spring forth from the void, and creation has a tendency to return to the void.

Bharat (a character in the epic, Mahabharat) says, “All the problems come when you avoid the void.”

All the places of worship in all religions are connected with places of burial/cremation, as the awareness of death alone can bring dispassion and make you well grounded in knowledge. According to Indian mythology, the abode of Lord Shiva is on Mount Kailasa as well as in Smashana (the cremation ground).

Kailasa means “where there is only celebration”, and Smashana is where there is only void. Thus, Divinity dwells in the void as well as in celebration. And in you there is void, in you there is celebration.”

-Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

 

Day 512

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I want this yellow peony to take me into it’s very heart.

I want this white lily fragrance to percolate through every fabric that makes me.

I want this sun behind the clouds to teach me to play hide and seek with myself.

I want this olive-wood chopping board to have imbibed the juices of all the hands that ever touched it.

I want Madeleine Peyroux to sing just for me.

I want my sweetheart to share this orange tea-pot of mint tea with me.

I want to completely and utterly submit myself to this moment that is the beginning and the end of everything.

I want this moment to unconditionally accept me into the universe that lies within.

Day 510

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As often as I could I would ‘find’ seeds out of a pomegranate for Saagar and leave them in a bowl for him in the fridge. He loved them.

This poem by Mona Arshi brought back this memory so vividly as if the above lines were in the present tense. It wasn’t so long ago that they were. But now what is, is.

It’s the small things that matter, that I miss the most, that I remember. The small things we do for each other are big.

Ode to a Pomegranate

Sweet sequins
turned strange and delicate,
such feverish capsules!

Sita’s shy dowry stones.
And rubies, brilliant rubies.
Vials of pure narcotic, secreted
by fragments of daybreak.

Fat drops of rain
captured
in your tiny pink purses.

You are such found things:
Many estranged souls,
unborns ticking
in blisters of heat.
Our own misremembered
Firelit tongues or
chambers of
caught songs.

And an infant globe,
in our palms, shows us
the vastness of things,
turmoil of the earth –
who knows what memory
is stored in its skin
like the tips
of my mother’s fingernails

opening, cleaving, intimate with you.

Day 509

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Some days are mountains. Like today.Why does one have to wake up every morning?
Why can’t it be different? Just didn’t want to but did.
Not a single scrap of my being wanted to go to work but somehow did.
Had no desire whatsoever to go to the gym but did.
Walking around town was just a huge chore, like being in the ‘negative’ of a film.
The sun was shining. So what? No wind or cloud or rain. So what?
No desire for small talk whatsoever but had to.
Smiling was a colossal task but managed it a few times.
Life seemed colourless. Lifeless.
Like a life sentence.

Come on girl. One step in front of another, even if it leads God knows where!

When you are with me my heart sings.
When you are not, there is no song.
When you are with me, I have everything.
When you not, nothing.
When you are with me it feels like I have every happiness.
Without you, no happiness is complete.
With you around, this place is as beautiful as a dream.
With you gone, there is no beauty in anything.
When you are with me, all paths and possibilities were wide open and welcoming.
Without you, I cannot find my way.
With you around the world seems kind to me.
When you are with me I can see the colours of love in the air.
Without you the air is solid. No passion, ambition, charm or enthusiasm.
Without you there is no life.

This one is for you my friends and for Saagar. Stay with me.
Today I am a hero.