the now

Day 412

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The young lady, possibly 25 years old, sitting 2 tables across from me in the restaurant was alone as was I. Her phone was of course keeping her good company. She paid a lot of attention to it. Every few minutes she called a number and held the phone up to her ear. She got no response. Or may be she got the answer phone message. This happened again and again and again. Each time her face fell further and further to the floor. The light in her eyes diminished a little each time and she went pale and then paler still.
I watched her as discreetly as possible, wondering if she was ok. I wondered if she had called the same number each time or a different one. I wondered if someone was unwell or there was a wobble in a relationship or she wanted to make an appointment with her doctor or …… the possibilities were many.

After half an hour of this process repeating itself she got up to leave. There was no bounce in her step. It looked like she had dragged herself out. Her head hung by her neck. She was visibly upset. I was so tempted to reach out to her and ask her if she was alright and if I could do anything to help. I wanted to offer to stay with her and listen if she wanted to talk about anything. I would listen – no judgements, no advice. Just listen. But I didn’t do that. Or shall I say couldn’t do that? Living in big cities often doesn’t allow for offers like that. That kind of behaviour is far, far away from the norm. In fact, just making proper eye contact with a stranger is tricky. What I was thinking of doing would have probably scared her and she might have thought of me as a ‘freak’.

How come we live in a world where reaching out to someone in distress is not normal? Even if we don’t know each other, we know the human condition, the ebb and flow of life, the value of connectedness between beings. The next time this happens, will I do anything different? What is the worst that can happen? They might not accept my help, which will feel like rejection.

If I can be ok with that then I can do it.

 

Day 411

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Support groups have an important role in the management of mental illness. People support each other on an equal basis to offer something based on shared experiences. It has a long and honourable history. People create a space that is open, allowing for sharing from the heart. It can happen in all sorts of places, in one-to-one settings and in groups. Within local communities these groups can be a basis for campaigning and activism.

Peer support offers many benefits, for example: shared identity and acceptance, increased self-confidence, the value of helping others, developing and sharing skills, improved mental health, emotional resilience and wellbeing, information and signposting, challenging stigma and discrimination.

For the last 8 months I have been attending SOBS meetings once or twice every month. (Survivors Of Bereavement through Suicide).

I have met some wonderful people there, learnt a lot and found solace in knowing that I am not the only one who is in so much pain that I think I am loosing my mind. To my utter surprise some other people in the group have found my sharing useful.

On the International Suicide Prevention day (10th September 2015) we held a vigil at Hyde Park in London remembering our loved ones. This is what one of the bereaved parents wrote:

Private grief in public places

 “Private grief in public places: that is
What it was; us sitting on the grass
And cotton-wool clouds, sparse
But tinged with gold, drifting out west
This September 6 o’clock.
We tried our best
To look serious, solemn as one wiped a tear
As some of us shared our private grief without fear.
Yes dear, yes. We know the pain as we move a chair,
Was it his, or her, footstep on the stair?
Or the comb on the floor,
Near the bathroom door;
And the cyclists sliding silently beyond the trees
And the buses, and coaches, trucks and cars.
Are they all going home
While we sit on the grass recalling….?
What were we recalling;
The traces of grief
On the faces or the shoe-laces undone?
The yellow ‘candlelings’ on the grass twinkling
Like in some forgotten ritual of yonder years.
No, we do not forget
Nor forgo the pain we feel;
The frog in the throat
Nor the remembered smile in the wind,
And this gathering of strangers
Now bonded with a common theme.
So thank you friends, thank you,
For helping me off the ground
And sharing your pain,
Lightening my burden
Is my joyful gain.”

Day 408

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Steve Jobs’ last words –
“I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world. In others’ eyes, my life is an epitome of success.
However, aside from work, I have little joy. In the end, wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to.
At this moment, lying on the sick bed and recalling my whole life, I realize that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in, have paled and become meaningless in the face of impending death.
In the darkness, I look at the green lights from the life supporting machines and hear the humming mechanical sounds, I can feel the breath of god of death drawing closer…
Now I know, when we have accumulated sufficient wealth to last our lifetime, we should pursue other matters that are unrelated to wealth…
Should be something that is more important:
Perhaps relationships, perhaps art, perhaps a dream from younger days
Non-stop pursuing of wealth will only turn a person into a twisted being, just like me.
God gave us the senses to let us feel the love in everyone’s heart, not the illusions brought about by wealth.
The wealth I have won in my life I cannot bring with me. What I can bring is only the memories precipitated by love.
That’s the true riches which will follow you, accompany you, giving you strength and light to go on.
Love can travel a thousand miles. Life has no limit. Go where you want to go. Reach the height you want to reach. It is all in your heart and in your hands.
What is the most expensive bed in the world? Sick bed…
You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone to bear the sickness for you.
Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost – Life.
When a person goes into the operating room, he will realize that there is one book that he has yet to finish reading – Book of Healthy Life.
Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down.
Treasure love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends.
Treat yourself well. Cherish others.”

 

Day 407

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For years I have looked at women in fancy hats and admired them for being able to carry them off so elegantly. The scene from ‘Titanic’ where Kate Winslet’s beautiful face slowly emerges from underneath a fancy wide-rimmed hat is one that has made a lovely little spot for itself in my ‘long term memory’. For the first 33 years of my life in India, I had never seen many women in hats except in films. While secretly being deeply fascinated with hats and ogling at them in the streets, markets and shops, I didn’t actually believe that I could wear one because:

  1. It might look really strange on me.
  2. I’ve never done it before.
  3. It’s not the kind of thing people like me do.
  4. Where would I go wearing a hat?
  5. I don’t have the right kind of face for it.
  6. I wouldn’t know how to pick one!
  7. I couldn’t carry it off with elan.
  8. My discomfort would show.
  9. And so on and so forth….

At a Christmas fair this morning, I spotted a hat shop from the corner of my eye. I walked past it and bought a few other things from other shops. I was with friends who I trust. If anything looked funny on me, we would have a laugh together. So, after 16 years of thinking about it, I gingerly approached the shop, feeling like I was just about to make an absolute big fat fool of myself. The lady at the shop welcomed us with a lovely smile that made me feel a bit better. She showed me felt, velvet, corduroy, tweed, leather, silk, wool, possum hats, berets, fascinators with feathers and great big wedding doo-daas! It was party time! I tried on all kinds of hats and looked at them in the mirror at various angles. We did have a good time going through the lot of them. At one point, they all went quiet and asked me to look in the mirror. I did. That was it. We had found the right one.

I have a hat! 🙂

Day 400

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Wow! Four hundred days have gone by!
The first thought that barges into my head each morning, even today, is that Saagar chose to end his own life. He didn’t even say good-bye. He died alone. How could I have not known he was so ill? Where did I go wrong? Was my love not enough?
Slowly, over the last year or so, some of my friends and relatives have receded into the background whereas some of my acquaintances have really shown up. I don’t know what it is that stops some people from acknowledging this tragedy. Maybe they’ve moved on. Maybe it is their own inability to deal with it. The very thought of it must terrify them. Or else, this may be their idea of being considerate towards me. Best not to ‘remind’ me of this awful reality. I don’t expect anything of anyone but it is interesting to observe the attitudes and understand what lies behind them. Maybe no one talks about it simply because it is a taboo subject. I find that even when people do talk about it, they furtively look around first, to make sure there aren’t many people around and then softly whisper…………that is just how it is.

Sometimes I wonder what the biggest lesson for me in all of this is. Each time the first answer is : Be in this moment. The one that is right here in front of you. Own it. Live it. Cherish it.
I remember seeing Saagar for the first time as a 3 kilo bundle on the day he was born and thinking – “You adorable creature! I love you so much. I could die for you.” I have had the same thought many millions of times since then. If all that was required to keep him alive was love, he wouldn’t have died in a million years.
Whenever the old treacherous storm of emotions of guilt, regret and anger arises within me, it is a real battle. My awareness has to work its way against very harsh forces to find a place in my consciousness. It takes time but eventually I get past it with the strength of love.
This is my mantra: Stay with the love. Stay with the love. xxx