Stories are us.

Why are they here? These random strange-looking foreigners? One is white and the other we’re told is from the north of India. Wonder which is worse. At least one of them is easy to steel from. Surely the other is obnoxious. But she teaches English at the Primary school for free. Wonder what’s in it for her. Oh yes. She’s using our kids to learn Kannada for free. That must be it.

The minds of the villagers are desperately trying to make sense of what we’re doing here, in this remote village. The nearest airport is 5 hours’ drive away and the closest decent hospital, at least an hour from our village. We don’t speak the local language and hardly anyone speaks Hindi or English.

The first story of us was that I am a film director and Si, an actor. We’re scouting a suitable location to shoot a period drama. But then no camera or crew showed up. So, that was discarded.

The next tale was that we are here to set up a petrol station. That’s how people with connections in high places syphon off their black money. That fits, they believed, knowing nothing about us. But then no signs of construction appeared for months.

The next guess was that we want to open a bar and restaurant. As we are close to the highway, it’s a great place to open-up something for the travellers to rest and refresh. That didn’t seem to be happening either.

What can it be? Oh. They both have seriously grey hair. All their friends must be old. They must deeply empathise with old people. They must be planning an old people’s home. Well, no signs of that yet.

What are they about after all? The dogs and kids seem to love them. They seem like nice enough people. Maybe they’re planning to start an orphanage?  Don’t know. We’ll have to wait and watch.

Well, all they seem to be doing is planting more trees and making more compost and playing music to their plants, setting up irrigation systems and so on. Maybe they’re doing all the groundwork to ultimately grow cannabis.

Oh! How we need stories!

The older I grow, the lesser I know.

A book with frayed edges sat tucked inside the pocket behind the driver’s seat. After an overnight train journey from Sakleshpur to Goa, we were going home in a taxi. No coffee yet. I was not quite switched on. Bleary eyed, I pulled the book out of the elasticated edge. It was Walden by Henry David Thoreau. Some poor tourist had mistakenly left it behind while traveling to the airport to fly back home.

Thoreau wrote this book while he lived in a cabin he built near Walden Pond, hundred and eighty years ago. He was testing the idea that divinity was present in nature and the human soul. He stripped his life down to the barest of essentials and secluded himself as much as he could, living off the land as much as possible. He wanted to find out just what in life is necessary and what is superfluous.

(Picture, courtesy Maria Popova )

Having chosen to live in a place where, for hundreds of miles very few people speak our language, with no cinema halls, restaurants, therapists or book shops, where the food is of one particular kind, but nature is abundant, that question has arisen for me too.

A few weeks back, a quote by Thoreau had whistled right into my heart:

“Life! who knows what it is, what it does?”

Such a beautiful sentiment. I had wished for more of his writings. After learning some more about him and his love of birds, streams, woodlands and meadows, I got busy with other things.

When I brought this question to CORe, it generated a rich discussion.

“What is our relationship with not knowing? What feelings does it provoke?”

Some excerpts from our conversations:

  • It is a real test of oneself, dropping how things should be and taking each day as it comes. It took me a long time to realise how much my mind was tied to certainty. In Africa, the relationship with death is very different. They have many ways to remember a loved one. They believe they’re still here and it gives them great joy.
  • Anxiety of the need to know at work. I have to change my mind set to curiosity. Some things we’re not meant to know, such as, where is he? It would spoil it. I must accept that I’m not meant to know.
  • When he went, I didn’t want to be here. Now I do. I have a life that I want to have. I have lots of godchildren who have promised to take care of me. I have a vision of him and his dad, which I hope will come through in my own death. Maybe when it’s my time they’ll be there, and their peace will be shattered.

Yes. The older I grow, the lesser I know. There is a freedom in that, to be with whatever is happening. It allows for the mystery of life to unfold as it will and it allows me to witness it without conditions, with an open heart. The smallest things. The book that I had wished for a month ago, appears right in front of me after I had forgotten all about it.

Life. Who knows what it is, what it does?

It is February.

In January, fourteen blog-posts rolled on to the page, inspired, with sparkling newness, a fresh resolve. Then twenty days sneaked past, and nothing appeared. Wonder why? What is it we can trust?

The body?

One of the most fragile things around, it aches and creaks, often deceiving itself with imagined abilities and fantastical visions. It morphs every day in its special small way, without a clue what happens next. Can we depend on its trustworthiness?

The mind?

It doubts to the point of debilitation, endlessly compares un-comparables, guards its ideas like a dog, but softens and changes its opinions when presented another point of view. Every now and then it simply loses itself, out of the blue. What can we do?

The Universe?

Sounds great. But what does that relationship look like? Seems rather theoretical.

So, what is constant? What can we trust?

The thing that is not a thing and yet, can be called everything. The thing that is nowhere but can be thought of as everywhere. The thing that appears as me but is in fact invisible. The thing that is localised in each of us but is colourless, featureless, unbound. The thing that is beyond stillness and movement, beyond light and dark.

Awareness. The one that knows. Not as a person but as an intelligence. A presence. An eternity in this moment. Here. That always was, is, and always will be. That can be trusted, not to get things done, but to know. Know every experience of being in this body, having this mind, perceiving the world through these eyes. This is how it is.  That knowing. Beyond sounds and beyond silence.

Like this only.

I guess only in India we are talking like this sometimes. But you are understanding. So, it’s okay. If the weather is not kind right now, it will change. We will pass through time. We’ve got to have patience, like the trees. No kind of weather is lasting for ever. The autumn ten years ago, I thought would stretch past eternity. I was wrong. How little I knew. It changed many times, inside and out. I wonder how many other things I was wrong about.

Wolf-moon.

Twelve years ago the word ‘lunatic’ was removed from all federal laws in the USA. It was replaced with ‘of unsound mind’.

Edgar Alan Poe has said, ‘I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.’

Emily Dickinson begged pardon for her sanity and claimed that much madness is divinest sense. Some days, sanity is a serious challenge as all I do is dart around from one home to another. I have five homes – illusion, reality, the past, insanity and my breath. I wonder if others do too. Do you have a few? Happy full-moon!