When the Coroner’s liaison officer had paid us a visit us on Day 1, she had made a mention of someone having posted a picture of my son at the railway tracks on twitter. She did assure me that it had been taken care of and the pictures had been taken down. It was disturbing but I had put it aside and forgotten all about it.

Today I met someone who had seen the picture.

It made me feel so sad for all of us. We all want high ‘connectivity’ but where is the connectedness? To think that there were people around when this happened and may be they had the potential to help him, had they not been more interested in taking pictures! When and how did our humanity diminish to this level? May be it is all there, but hiding behind cameras and screens of one description or another. Each one of us is alone and isolated behind those screens. Everything is entertainment. It is only real if it is on a screen.

This is the world we live in.

My son thought he was broken. I am broken. As a society, we are broken.

2 weeks gone! Still not sure this is happening. Soon it will be months and then years. Wonder how it will feel then!

A part of me still believes this is all someone else’s nightmare being played out in front of me.

The letters arriving at my door are real – I can hold them and read them time and time again. I read about what kind of a person he was to his friends – loyal, funny, kind, enthusiastic, full of ideas, generous, talented, sensitive and so on. I already knew he was all of these things but when I hear accounts from his friends, their families and his teachers, I feel I didn’t really know him that well. He has always made me proud, but this is quite something else. The letters are so deeply heartfelt that they bring tears to my eyes.

This afternoon, I went out for a boat ride with my mum. It was a strangely magical experience. The weather was mild – snatches of sun here and there and slightly windy. I sat there completely mesmerised by the sky – the light streaming from in-between the clouds, the various hues of blue and grey, the clear-cut circular outline of the sun, the fresh breeze blowing in my face. For a few seconds I felt as though my son was smiling at me and telling me that he is ok. He was looking over me in his own special way and making sure that we have a great time. Of course, the other interpretation could be that I am starting to loose it altogether! 🙂

Well, I hope he is happy and peaceful wherever he is – my darling baby!

In one of the eastern cultures it is believed that for 13 days after death, the soul of a deceased person hangs around within the domain of this earth, in the vicinity of the space shared by the near and dear ones of the ‘body’ that it once occupied. On the 13th day, it leaves for spaces farther afield. So, traditionally, prayers are held on the 13th day to allow this process to take place peacefully and with everyone’s blessings.

These prayers were held this morning in our house, just with close family in attendance. It was a beautiful ceremony and we prayed for ‘moksha’ for the departed soul – freedom from the cycle of birth and death. This was followed by soulful, spiritual chanting with friends in the wider community and that was a very serene occasion too.

The priest explained that my son has gone because his work on this planet is done. He has led an exemplary life, filled with joy and generosity, love and laughter, kindness and compassion. He has made a little place for himself in so many hearts and is fondly remembered for all the right reasons.

I am at peace. I am as proud of him as I always have been – in fact more so.

I loved him before he was born and shall continue to do so now and forever.

I am ready for this new long distance relationship.

For the first time since the 16th, today I got some glimpses of ‘equanimity’ within myself. There was a stream of visitors through the day – there were tears, sharing and lots of tea. I found that when I related the sequence of events to them, it did not shake me up inside. The words came out with some level of acceptance, even if it was not a 100%.

A walk in the park was the highlight of the day – walking past the logs of wood where my son and I sat together a few weeks ago, watching the setting sun, was very painful. On the 14th of october, I asked him to put the ikea bag full of cushions in the boot of the car, so that we could give it to the local charity shop. That bag is still there and I don’t want to ever move it. The sight and sound of trains is still very difficult! I never imagined myself as the person who would ever feel all of these things but I do. I feel like I have turned into a completely emotional being, with very little intellectual ability.

The cards and letters coming through are very touching. There is so much love in this world!

Life is too short to fit it all in.

Very appropriately, it is autumn. Leaves are falling off the trees in hoards, constantly reminding us of the cycle of life.

In the ancient scriptures, they say everything is predestined. Not a single thing moves in this universe without the permission of the Almighty. There are no co-incidences and no ‘untimely’ demises. Everything is timed accurately by an all-knowing, all-powerful supervisor who is the overall in-charge. It is He who is moving us around as pawns in a game of chess where He is playing both sides.

Today was a beautiful sunny day – too lovely for end of October. It was a restful day. My Mum and I took a lovely walk in the nearby park and shared our thoughts. Phrases like – ‘life goes on’, ‘be strong’ and ‘time is a big healer’ crop up again and again in every conversation. Although these phrases are true but they annoy me a little bit. Right now, I just can’t think about getting on with life and being strong and all that jazz. I did feel good about myself though after I spent about 15 minutes on my own just clearing up my study table. I also prepared 2 salads for dinner today, which is an achievement in itself.

I dug up a book called ‘The Tibetan book of Living and Dying’ which I had purchased a long time ago when I was thinking of working with people in hospices. I also found out about a Bereavement support group and decided to attend their next meeting. So, lots of little steps.

My family and friends have been so incredible. They call, they visit, text and whatsapp me all day long. I feel really well taken care of.

My dearest darling son is always in my thoughts and prayers. Although I wish I had spent more time with him, I know that he knew how deeply he was loved by his parents and friends. Sadly, it was his illness that got him. May you find your peace my baby. God bless.