Can’t believe it is Day 10 today! Can’t even fully believe that all that has transpired has actually happened for real.

Today was one of the quieter days so far. I had some time and space to myself which was not a good thing.

We went for a walk, went out for a late lunch, sat around and chatted for a while. There was even a lot of laughter which was nice but at all times, I felt completely disconnected from everything that was happening around me. It was as though another film was running in my head simultaneously which was themed – ”If this would have been like that, then may be…..” To be more specific – “If I had known this, I could have done that…..” and so on. Starting with simple things like food choices to holiday plans all the way to the doctors being consulted – the whole range of activities to the exclusion of nothing.

Intellectually I know it is pointless but I am aware I am doing this constantly. Emotionally I am not able to stop the process. I suppose just being aware of it is a step in the right direction. May be I need to find a middle path where my rational mind can have some hold on the other one.

Well, another day gone without him. I really miss him. It seems like the rest of my life is like a debt to be repaid and each passing day lightens the burden a little bit.

It was the final good-bye today.

The amount of love in the chapel was immeasurably overwhelming!

The ceremony, the speeches, the song, the weather, the food, the timing, the space – everything was perfect!

I felt immense sadness saying bye to him but at the same time, I could see that he had touched so many lives in his short lifespan – more than many people do in many many more years. I felt so proud of him! He was a real gift. So precious!

He taught us so many lessons. Things that we hear everyday and think of as cliches; life is too short, love thy neighbour, all there is is love, smile and the world smiles with you, forgive and forget.

I feel so much love and light within our family today – like never before.  So many barriers seem to have disappeared. Suddenly the big ‘issues’ are surmounted. I can’t help thinking that he has something to do with it. Somehow, it seems that all of us have been ‘humanised’.

Thank you my darling. I love you.

Shine on you crazy diamond.

Today I saw my baby for the very last time.

He really looked like a baby – sleeping peacefully and so vulnerable!

Of course I had to remind myself that what I saw was just a vehicle for his soul which is eternal. I still derived great comfort from stroking his forehead and eyebrows. I admired his lovely long lashes and beautiful nose. The stubble was so typical of him. I remember having to force him to shave last tuesday and later apologising for being so tough on him.  Poor child! He really did try hard. For the last few days, I have experienced how difficult it is to get out of bed in the mornings and get dressed. To think that what he experienced was many times worse than that and yet he coped the way he did, made me admire him greatly.

It’s strange how the silliest things bring back the pain in all its intensity. While grocery shopping today, I just broke down and cried as I walked through the confectionary section. He and I had a ritual of buying chocolate eclairs whenever we went shopping together. We would eat them in the car on the way home. It was our thing.

While driving home, I saw a train moving on the overbridge and I felt my heart racing and me wanting to scream for the train to stop.

We spent the evening talking about the eulogies for the Cremation ceremony tomorrow.

It’s one week today!

The events from a week ago run through my head over and over again. The shock and horror of it. The absolute finality of it.

The house is now filled with flowers, cards and letters from his friends, expressing their immense love for him. I finally got myself to go through the posts on his wall on facebook. God! So much love! They brought tears to my eyes. I feel like a part of this huge family which is grieving together. We hold him close to our hearts and we promise to never ever let his memory fade away. For the very first time, I post a message on his wall. I tell him I love him in front of the rest of the family and it feels really good.

It is Diwali today – the festival of lights. It’s like Christmas for the Indian community. My gift is seeing all this love and allowing it to lift me out of my darkness and looking at the future with the possibility of transforming this unbelievable grief into something beautiful. Don’t know when or what, but something, sometime.

Of all the roles I have played in my life, the role of being a Mum has always been my favourite. That has not changed and never will. I feel truly blessed.

Wow! This is another level of exhaustion altogether but there is a strange drive that keeps me going.

Having all this loving support all around me from all my loved ones gives me immense strength. Today was a day of organising the invitations to the cremation, the lunch venue thereafter, the priest, the caterers and a few other things. Thank God for friends and mobile phones!

Of all the visitors, the ones I really love speaking with are his friends. They give me a glimpse of how he was when I was not around, which seems to be even better than how he was when I was. They give me an insight into his world that was not visible to me. They also make me realise how crafty he was when it came to hiding how awful he really felt. They tell me he loved his Dad and me dearly and knew he had all the support he needed. They help me see his innocence, playfulness and kindness. They help me see that there is hope.

I hope together we can do something to ensure that nothing like this ever happens to any other family ever again.