After 10 days of being in Pondicherry, we finally visited one of the most popular spiritual destinations nearby, Auroville. It has been described as the Divine’s answer to man’s aspiration for perfection. It symbolises Union with the Divine manifesting in a progressive human unity.

The Matrimandir, the main hall of concentration within Auroville is a golden sphere next to a huge and ancient Banyan tree. It is the symbol of the Universal Mother; kind and generous, according to Sri Aurobindo’s teaching. We were invited to enter the hall with the innocence of a child willing to surrender all our woes at Her feet and to receive Her unconditional love. Sounded perfect!

When viewing the Matrimandir’s structure and its immediate surroundings, the first impression it evoked was the image of a New Consciousness breaking forth from Matter. Inside I experienced deep silence. The light partially bouncing off the huge crystal in the centre of the hall was intriguing, captivating and inspiring. I left there feeling very much at peace with the world and myself. My faith in the potential for humans to be immensely creative was reaffirmed.

This quote by Sri Aurobindo caught my eye:

“None can reach Heaven who has not passed through Hell.”

A hundred days have gone by. It feels like it happened just a few weeks ago. It is so fresh in my memory: the phone conversation with him that morning that left me feeling very unsettled as he did not speak much, the deep discomfort I felt as I was heading home from work, his note, the panic with which I yelled out his name and ran up the stairs, the phone call with emergency services where the lady at the other end of the line kept speaking with me till someone arrived, the Transport Police at my door, his wallet and keys, the description of a grey hoody with a penguin on it and lime green shoes …….

Most of today was spent in bed, feeling awfully sad, physically weak and defeated, trying to get my head around the fact that 100 days had passed and I was still stuck. I watched one TED talk after another concerning mental health issues and suicide, looked up the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website and details of the PHQ-9. I watched myself get angry about the fact that 2 days before he ended his ordeal we had visited the GP who did not get him to fill out a PHQ-9, which is an essential monitoring tool for someone being treated for depression. That made me feel just plain exhausted!

Looking for some comfort I went back to reading the ‘Bhagwat Geeta’ which says, “The whole universe is filled with just one thing, one spirit and everyone is made up of that One Spirit”.  This oneness is a fundamental quality of everything. Everything is a part of and made of one non-dual consciousness. That made me realise that my son is me and I am him. You and I are one. I have known this for a long time. This reality lies way beyond the physical world, time and space.

During the silence of the evening, it was clear to me that I need to start making myself useful. To be able to spread peace and joy, I need to be peaceful and joyful. This hymn that I used to sing in school came to mind:

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there’s despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there’s sadness, ever joy.

 Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul. 

Pondicherry, a wind-swept seaside town on the east coast of southern India, an ex-french colony, a spiritual hub thanks to exceptional visionaries having set up base here and a centre for promoting yoga and other practices around ‘well-being’.  The perfect place for me at present, especially because there is nothing to do here. No sightseeing. A lot of colonial architecture, lovely cafés with little boutiques attached selling pretty clothes, handicrafts, incense sticks, handmade paper and jewellery give it an endearing and relaxing quality. The street dogs love to sleep all day and chat all night. Numerous crows add to the ambience.

I take long walks along the sea front, sit, people watch, drink as much coconut water as I like and meditate. It’s the meditation that is helping me with my sanity. I feel lucky for having had some practice in the past. It means I don’t have to start from scratch. I can just plunge in and be. Be the witness, watch my thoughts come and go, observe the feelings inside me without getting caught up in them (mostly), as though I was watching a film. I look within and the deeper I look the closer I get to me. Is it me or the nothingness in me? Sometimes I can’t tell the difference. It is like ceasing to be. I get glimpses of true freedom every now and then. They are enough to make me want to go back again and again.

It surely looks like I am doing nothing and that is true. But stuff is happening, the atmosphere is changing, stress is getting released, the body is relaxing, negative feelings and vibrations are disappearing and the mind is expanding. I come out of meditation feeling immensely loved and supported by the Universe. Thank you!!!

Meet me in Cognito, baby,
In Cognito we’ll have nothing to hide.
Let’s go incognito honey,
And let the world believe we’ve died.

Meet me in Cognito, baby,
Of course we’ll have to color our hair.
The best thing about life in Cognito
Is that everybody’s nobody there.

Meet me in Cognito, baby,
We’ll soon leave  our pasts behind us.
The present is always a mystery,
And the future never fails to remind us.

So do join me in Cognito,
You know that I’ll never tell.
We’ll sneak in the back door of Heaven
And stroll unnoticed through Hell.

Incognito
Incognito
There, every day’s a surprise.
Incognito
Incognito
Where truth tells all the best lies.

– From Villa Incognito by Tom Robbins.

Well. He’s not coming home ever again and that is an utterly painful reality of my physical world. I seek him in the clouds, the ocean, the rain, the cool breeze and everywhere else. I am just tired of feeling this way. I wish I could find a way of not hurting so much. I look at my face in the mirror looking for glimpses of him and I catch a few in my eyes – a very similar shade of brown but his eyes were so beautiful. This is so not fair. This void that sits there like a huge ‘NOTHING’ all the time. What am I supposed to do with it? I have tried to ignore it but that doesn’t work. It is just there. All the time!!!

The Golden Gate bridge in San Francisco is possibly one of the best known and most photographed bridges in the world. It opened to the public in 1937 and the engineers claimed that it was highly impractical and improbable for it to be used to commit suicide. How wrong they were! It’s popular. 1600 people have since used it for that very purpose and many have visited it with that intention but have been dissuaded by the police patrol on duty. In the past there was no formal guidance available for these police officers but they did their best. Now they are well equipped through proper training to deal with these situations.

What should one do or say if one knows someone so close to the edge?

Do – 1. Listen to understand

2. Be there

3. Look out for warning signs (if there is time) – Hopelessness, helplessness, social withdrawal and loss of interest in life.

Say – Possibly give them an opportunity to speak about it. Something like – Others in similar circumstances have had very  dark thoughts about ending their lives. Have you?

I wish I had known these things before.

This very sensitive talk by Kevin Briggs, an ex-patrol officer at the Bridge says it all:

http://www.ted.com/playlists/175/the_struggle_of_mental_health

I wonder if railway staff should be offered training of a similar kind? After I go back to London, I have to make peace with my local railway station where it happened. Just thinking about it makes me sick.  I suppose I shall cross that bridge when I come to it. The collateral damage done by suicide is immeasurable. There is no victim support as suicide is not a crime. But of course, I must go on.

His business card read – Play the drums. Be Happy 🙂

To me it means – Do your thing. Be Happy.

I will.