Day 114

All day I planned it and put it off for one reason or another and in the end didn’t do it: visit his room. May be tomorrow.

The vegetable brush was his idea. Although he laughed at my ‘organic’ food preference, his actions supported it. Our bicycles stored together side by side, our cats hovering around the house, the chocolate soya milk cartons in the kitchen cabinet, the lawn that was last mowed by him, his cricket bag by the shoe rack, the shot glasses we bought together in Chicago, were all missing him along with me.

Today was a bright and sunny Sunday. I got dressed to go for a walk and as I was going downstairs, three steps short of the landing, I breathed in to say, ”Bye darling. See you later.”

The note he had left for me had been on the very same step.

My son was an atheist and I remember exactly when he became one. It was when he saw the coverage of the Tsunami on the news at the age of 10. He could not believe that God would allow such devastation at such a massive scale. Stephen Fry spoke his mind and used terms like capricious, maniac and stupid to describe God in an interview a week ago.

When I listen to the news and the events taking place all over the world, I think of young kids and the negativity with which they are growing up. I wonder what effect that has on them. There is too much unjust and unnecessary suffering in this world to sustain my belief in the goodness of the nameless and formless God that I hope exists. Who is in charge? Anybody?

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