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Day 757

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Feel No Guilt in Laughter

Feel no guilt in laughter
They would know how much you care
Feel no sorrow in a smile
That they are not here to share.

You cannot grieve forever
They would not want you to
They would hope that you could carry on
The way you always do.

So talk about the good times
And the way you showed you cared
The days you spent together
And all the happiness you shared.

Let memories surround you
A word someone may say
Will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, a day,
That brings them back as clearly
As though they were still here
And fill you with the feeling
That they are always near.

For if you keep those moments
You will never be apart
And they will live forever
Locked safe within your heart.

– Anonymous.

Day 756

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The Giant’s Causeway is said to have formed 60 million years ago as a result of a unique way in which lava cooled down. It formed forty thousand basalt columns each one with 5 to 7 sides, fitting perfectly into each other. The name comes from a local legend. Finn McCool was a giant who wanted to walk across from Ireland to Scotland through the sea without getting his feet wet. So, he built the causeway. Some geological features at the location are given names like ‘giant’s camel’ and ‘giant’s boot’ to add to the story.

It is one of the most magnificent sites at the edge of the North Atlantic Sea. 3 sets of columns – little, medium and tall are very obviously located and many more lie buried in the sea. The natural geometry is cleverly engineered. Away from the sea behind the ‘giant’s gate’ is a black and red gigantic rock. It is a hidden beauty. I have visited this place a few times before but today was the first time I fully appreciated this picturesque structure. The weather was cold but the light was perfect. Thankfully, there was no rain or fog or crazy wind. Si and I walked up a steep narrow path up to a high point facing the sea and had our ‘Titanic” moment!

Whenever we had visitors from abroad when we stayed in Belfast, a trip to the Giant’s Causeway was an essential part of their Norn-Irish experience along with a seafood lunch at Port Rush and a trip to Bushmills.

10 years ago I was here with Saagar. Today Si was with me.

“You let time pass – that’s the cure. Change can be difficult to accept. You survive the days. You put one foot in front of the other and get on with it. You float through the weeks and months wondering if your life will ever go back to what it used to be.

And then, one day you find yourself alone on a bench in the sun and you close your eyes and lean back and you realise that you’re okay. You realise how far you have come. You realise you’ve just fallen onto a different path leading you to your true destination.         You realise, ‘I can do this’. Behind every smile there is an untold story. Sometimes it’s a mask to hide pain and suffering. Sometimes it’s a true reflection of happiness.”- LL.

 

Day 755

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There was no choice but to have a child-minder. She was a kind and gentle single woman who lived close by. She could accommodate my emergency night duties that came once every 3 or 4 nights. She picked him up from school most days except when I had an off-day post on-call. He loved to see me at the school gates. He ran to me with a big smile and open arms.

This afternoon we met again for the first time since Saagar’s death. It seemed like a completely different world. She said she loved him. He was the best child she had ever looked after. “I had such high hopes for him” she said, “always well mannered with a mischievous smile. He got on with everyone.” We wept holding hands.

We remembered the time when he would religiously have chicken noodles in her house every time he spent an evening there. He would keep mum about the dinner he had already eaten at home. We discovered his trick a few months in but let him get away with it. We laughed holding hands.

He lives in both our hearts forever.

I wonder if being well mannered and well dressed, having a firm hand-shake and making good eye-contact, asking intelligent questions and speaking well, being from a stable and educated family, automatically puts someone in the ‘low-risk’ for suicide category in the eyes of the health professionals.

No one but no one is immune.

 

Day 754

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Life is stranger than fiction. 16 years ago Saagar came to live in Belfast. Today I attended a Suicide Prevention conference entitled ‘What works? Speaking Truth to Power.’ in Belfast.

It was encouraging to see more than 250 people in the audience – counsellors and other frontline staff, police, GPs, policy makers, funders and voluntary groups. I met other bereaved parents and activists passionately working towards improving mental health services within the NHS and in the voluntary sector. It was inspiring. It gave me hope.

I shared Saagar’s story and the lessons that could be learnt from it. They listened. Afterwards, many came up for a hand-shake, a quick chat and a hug. One lady said, “I have been a psychologist for 12 years. Thank you for reminding me why I chose to be one.”

John Steinbeck, the American novelist once asked his long-time friend, the second Secretary General of the UN, Hammarskjold what he could do to support him and the UN. ‘Sit on the ground and talk to people. That’s the most important thing’ said Hammarskjold.

The longest journey starts with a single step which is to engage in conversation with people in our immediate environment, the place where we have set down the anchor of our lives and to take concerted action with them. The significance of dialogue lies in the process, in sharing thoughts and taking pleasure in each other’s company. This allows each individual to find meaning and feel like a valuable part of a community.

 

Day 753

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Standing in the queue at the airport, waiting to board the plane to Belfast, listening to people speak in the norn-irish accent brought back a flood of mixed feelings – nostalgia, heart-warming familiarity, sweet self depricating humour, anger at the bullying that Saagar would have suffered in primary school in the same accent, relief at not having to hear that accent too often, a deep sense of loss at the thought of the mimicry that Saagar often did in an exaggerated accent saying “I’ll do yur windies in.”

On the plane it was a refreshing change when the gentleman sitting next to me actually wanted to speak to me. He was warm and friendly and told me all about his job and family and asked me about mine. I decided to pretend that Saagar was alive and I did. The kind man said, ”So, he has a twinkle in his eye for his wee Mum.” I smiled. For a few moments I believed it myself. It felt good.

Nothing is all good or all bad. No one is all good or all bad. We are a miniature version of the macrocosm. Opposite values and contradictions reside in each of us, finding expression at different times in different ways. Being aware of them is all I can do. Observing myself. Learning.