belonging

Day 433

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The cap badge on my dad’s uniform read ‘Work is Worship”. He had a very disciplined work ethic and a strong sense of duty. I grew up believing that work is indeed a form of worship.

But, the design of life seems grossly flawed as I get older. The years that I needed to dedicate to work to build a career exactly coincided with those I needed to build a family.

I think I did my best to balance the two, often at the cost of my own well-being. I know many women who do the same thinking it is a ‘dutiful’ motherly thing to do when it is not. By the time I got to the stage where I could relax a bit and have some control over my working hours, the kids were fairly independent and wanted to spend time with their friends. Limited number of holidays, long hours spent at work, working weekends, no time for hobbies, thinking about work at home, bringing work and work frustrations home…thinking that one day it will get better. And the years roll on until it’s too late already.

Wouldn’t it be so easy for kids to think that parent’s work is more important than them? I know it’s not true but did my everyday life convey that well enough?

I wonder if this is a flawed design? Or is it me?

 

Day 420

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A young lady I met recently is doing a Doctorate(PhD) in ‘Resilience’. It seems to be the new buzzword. I think it is much misunderstood. According to the dictionary :

resilience
rɪˈzɪlɪəns/
noun

  1. the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

“nylon is excellent in wearability, abrasion resistance and resilience”

       2. the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

“the often remarkable resilience of so many British institutions”

Toughness?

It is much more complex than that.

“…it is a multifaceted construct, referring to a person’s capacity to handle environmental difficulties, demands and high pressure without experiencing negative effects.” (Kinman and Grant, 2011)

Dr Ginsburg describes it as a skill that can be taught and learnt – the 7 ‘C’s of resilience:

      1. Competence: Being careful that our desire to protect someone doesn’t mistakenly send a message that we don’t think they are competent in handling the situation.
      2. Confidence: Recognition and honest praise for a job well done.
      3. Connection: Close family and community ties providing a safe environment for expression of all emotions
      4. Character: developing a set of values by example, helping the child recognize himself or herself as a caring person.
      5. Contribution: stressing the importance of serving others by modeling generosity.
      6. Coping: Not condemning a child for bad behavior but helping them with positive ways of managing stress.
      7. Control: Empower the child by making them see that they can make a difference by the actions they take.

Simple! 😉

In the past I have taken some very tough decisions. I carried them through to my own detriment. That was damaging. Now I know it was not resilience. It was lack of self-awareness and foolhardiness of youth.

“The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived.”
― Robert Jordan

Day 419

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While in the general population, men are 3 to 4 times more likely to complete suicide than women, it is quite the opposite amongst doctors. Women doctors are more than twice as likely to complete suicide than their male colleagues.

Doctors are more likely than the general public to:

– be divorced
– have addictions – to alcohol or other substances
– suffer a burnout
– have a psychotic episode

Not surprisingly, they are extremely good at hiding their mental state.

In the NHS, 25% of doctors are from other countries but they form a disproportionate 40% of those seeking help for significant problems such as depression and excessive alcohol consumption.

The document ‘Understanding why doctors present late’ from the 1st European Conference. PAIMM 2001 states:

“Doctors are one of the most unattended populations in terms of health care.”

This is a generalisation but these are said to be common traits of doctors: perfectionists, narcissists, compulsives, denigrators of vulnerability and martyrs.

Given the combination of the above traits with the current TOXIC work environment of the NHS and the high emotional burden that doctors have to carry by nature of their work, is it any surprise that their mental well-being is seriously jeopardised?

Myths:

  • Doctors are invincible
  • Sick doctors always know when they are sick
  • Sick doctors who know they’re sick always know what they need to get better
  • Sick doctors always get excellent treatment
  • Doctors always follow doctors advice
  • Doctors look after themselves

I am sure some of these are applicable to other professions. I also hope that I am not being too much of a martyr here!

Are we kind enough to ourselves and to each other at work?

Day 418

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The mother of a second year student at university described his deep depression as a ‘spiritual crisis’ to me. When he came away from home to start university, he joined a certain church there. Soon he was a regular as he enjoyed being there in prayer and spending time with the priests. However when he got a lovely new girl friend, he was encouraged to discontinue the relationship as the people at the church , who he had come to trust could not see the beauty in her spirit. On the contrary, they somehow believed her to be a negative influence in his life. He could not understand that. It was a very difficult situation for him and he had to remove himself from there for a while to think about it.

Religion has an organizational and a spiritual aspect. I believe the real crux is universal and establishes the deep connection between the human and the Divine. However being human, most of us get completely caught up in the organizational aspects of it – the rituals, the clothes, the traditions, the names of Gods, the hierarchy, the words. Very few get to the core of it. Historically, some of the most ‘religious’ people are responsible for causing a lot of pain to thousands of people. We don’t learn. We continue to do the same even today. Religion is one of the major causes of mass blindness. While it gives hope to many, it destroys many others.

In the shamanic tradition, mental disorders are spiritual emergencies that signal the ‘birth of a healer’. Communities believe that the most sensitive amongst us are selected to be healers. They help reconcile the energies of both worlds.

The sensitive, in Western culture are labelled as oversensitive. Indigenous cultures don’t see it that way. Hence sensitive people don’t experience themselves as overly sensitive. In the West, “it is the overload of the culture they’re in that is just wrecking them,” observes Dr. Somé, a shamanic healer. The frenetic pace, the bombardment of the senses, and the violent energy that characterizes Western culture can overwhelm sensitive people.

Could these arguments explain why the incidence of ‘spiritual crises’ is on the rise all over the world?

Day 417

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Today is my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary.
Golden!

While on the phone with them about 10 days ago, I realized that it is a big deal. I had not really given it much thought. Between work, home improvements and all the other stuff that goes on in my heart and mind, I am often not aware of anything else. It was almost as if I had just learnt that this was going to be a very special occasion.

Well. Now that it had struck me and I had woken up, I had 10 days to do something about. So, we planned a surprise visit from London to India and back at extremely short notice – leave, visa, tickets, gifts and cards! It was as much a surprise for me as for them.

My brothers conspired with me to ensure that my parents would be at home when I got there and the scene was set. When I got home, the front door was already ajar for some reason. I wore my new hat and knocked lightly on the door. Then I walked in nonchalantly. My Mum and Dad were sitting in the front room having a cup of tea with a friend. The expressions on their faces changed several times within a second – from shock to confusion to surprise to disbelief and then utter and pure joy! It was priceless! Big hugs and smiles followed and the story slowly unfolded itself. Various pieces of the jigsaw came together and it absolutely made their day!

I am here as much for myself as for them. While it means a lot to them to have me here on their special day, it makes me happy that I can make them happy. Simple pleasures 🙂  Building memories with those we love. Cherishing them. That’s what it’s about.

While Saagar is with me always, I must remember to go on living for the living.