belonging

Day 654

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Driving around in hot weather, I found myself looking for a shady spot to park the car so that it wouldn’t be too hot when I came back to it. Walking in the piercing sunshine, I found myself once again, looking for shade. I just expected trees to be there when I needed them. I stopped to think how many trees had I planted myself to rightfully expect them to be there for me. None. Not one.

Oprah Winfrey talks about the poverty she faced in childhood. One year her mother took her aside and said there would be no Christmas. However, at midnight there was a knock on the door and a few nuns brought gifts for Oprah and her siblings. She was deeply moved by the fact that someone remembered them and their predicament that night. She went on to raise funds for thousands of poor children to receive gifts on Christmas. ‘Give what you are given’ she says.

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If you want to feel good, do good.

I did plant a bay tree about 12 years ago but after 3 years it died. I felt awful and stuck with indoor plants thereafter. I think it is time to try again.

 

 

Day 642

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What makes a good life?

An answer to this age-old question was attempted by a huge study at Harvard. It followed 724 men from their teenage years for a period of 75 years. Half the men were students at Harvard and the other half were disadvantaged inner city boys of Boston. They all went on to pursue various fields of work – brick-layers, teachers, solicitors and one even became the president of America. Every year, each one of them answered a paper questionnaire and was interviewed in person. Bloods tests and brain scans were performed on them and a large body of data was collected and analysed.

What did they find?

Loneliness is toxic. Loneliness kills.
The way to health and happiness is through good relationships.
Cholesterol level is not a predictor of good health but the quality of one’s social connections is.
Good relationships protect the brain too. People who have friends and relatives they can count on retain their memory for much longer than the ones that don’t.
So, while relationships can be messy, difficult and trying, they are worth leaning into, be it with family, friends or a community.

How can this be done in real terms?

  • Replacing screen time with people time?
  • Doing something new – going for a long walk, gardening, volunteering, watching a black and white film, trying a new recipe?
  • Calling an old friend you’ve been thinking of for a while?
  • Putting a grudge or mistrust aside and reaching out?
  • You know best.

“There isn’t time for bickering, apologies, heart burnings, calling to account. There’s only time for loving. An instant for that.” – Mark Twain.

Good life = Good relationships.

 

Day 632

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(Naughty…)

It started off with one thing and as the day went on it got stronger and stronger. By the end of the day it got unbearable and the dam broke.

When Saagar and I went shopping for groceries together, he wouldn’t let me touch the trolley. He wanted to be fully in charge of it. Sometimes, just to annoy him I would touch the edge of the trolley with the tip of my little finger and he would most predictably remind me to keep my hands off. It was our little game.

This morning Si and I went shopping together. I wheeled the trolley in and Si casually placed his hand on the edge of it. The memory hit me hard in the face. For a few seconds I completely lost my bearings. I wasn’t sure what to say or feel or do. I just walked around absently following Si and the shopping list.

The rest of the day the feeling of not knowing what to say or do stayed with me. As for feelings – I felt a deep, deep loss and totally lost. I also felt helpless and stuck. I couldn’t really have a proper conversation with anyone. I just listened and nodded and smiled. Everyone seemed to be at a completely different place from me. I felt like I had nothing in common with them. Luckily it was a day of walking in the countryside with close family so there were no particular demands on me. I could just be myself and observe my ‘stuff’.

Thereafter the breeze, the sun shining from behind the clouds, the kids running around and playing, the French signage at the restaurant…. everything painfully reminded me of him.

Finally when the live band of 3 young men started to play and the drums came on nice and loud, the dam broke.

 

Day 631

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“Kamikaze” is a word that has become synonymous with all that is crazy, fanatical and self-destructive. It literally means ‘divine wind’. Kamikaze aircraft were essentially pilot-guided explosive missiles, purpose-built or converted from conventional aircraft. In the second world war young Japanese pilots would attempt to crash their aircraft into enemy ships in what was called a ‘body attack’.

“Dear mother, my one regret is I could not do more for you before I die. But to die as a fighter for the emperor is an honour. Please do not feel sad.” A lot of letters had been written in this vein. They appear to confirm the view that a whole generation of Japanese men had been brainwashed into self-abnegation and blind obedience to the Emperor.

Young school girls bid farewell to the departing kamikaze pilots with cherry blossom branches:

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‘Honour’ is an abstract concept entailing a perceived quality of worthiness and respectability that affects both the social standing and the self-evaluation of an individual or an organisation such as a family, school or nation. Young minds can be moulded into believing that dying is a good idea. It has been happening for many years and continues to carry on through many generations in various parts of the world for one reason or another.

 

Day 625

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The 2016 reunion of our batch ended with a bang today. We danced till late at night and had an absolute blast. Si met many of my friends for the first time and they all seemed to get on well. My friends not only liked him and approved of him but were very happy for me, as I am for myself.

Despite all the festivities, two of our classmates were missed most as they could only have attended the event in spirit and I am sure they did. Some of my friend’s kids attended the event, mostly teenagers and young adults. I enjoyed getting to know them. Much as I would have liked to show him off to everyone, which is what I did ever since the day he was born, Saagar could only have attended in spirit and I am sure he did. I felt his presence all the time.

Hundreds of pictures were taken in the hope of capturing the good times and holding on to them forever. Many new memories were created, many friendships consolidated and much strength was derived from the knowledge that we are always there for each other.

The farewells were full of promise and hope of meeting again…soon. As I said many thanks to the universe, this thought came uninvited – Take nothing, absolutely nothing for granted.