bipolar

Day 186

Posted by

0

He was A’s ‘brother from another mother’. They claimed to be having a ‘bromance’. They completely got each other and laughed a lot together. They could find something funny in the simplest of situations. They both had a thing for the colour pink. Their constant giggling was infectious. They were inseparable. They loved each other.

During his manic phase he did something to upset A. It was so bad that A did not speak to him for what seemed like a long time. He missed him terribly.

University terms began and his friends went away to their respective courses. He felt left behind. We decided he would take this year as a gap year. Something he had not done after finishing school. Once he got better he could go travelling and work for a while.

One morning he told me that he had received a call from A and they had patched up their differences. His smile was faint but he was ecstatic.

When A came to see us after he had passed away he said, “I am so glad I called him up that night.”

Me too. Life is too short to be little.

Day 183

Posted by

2

“And He will raise you up on eagles’ wings
Bear you on the breath of dawn
Make you to shine like the sun
And hold you in the palm of His hand.”

For the first time today I watched the recording of the Memorial service that was held on the 9th of November 2014. The event had been put together by his friends. Their love for him shone through every word, every song and everyone’s presence. He did hold a special place in their hearts.

I have not said this before but after seeing his suffering, I can see how suicide cured his pain. I am not angry for his decision as I am not sure I would have had the strength to continue for as long as he did. Many did not know of his suffering. He let very few people see it. Those of us who loved him do not fault him for leaving his life behind. I do hate his illness though. It moved faster than his acceptance of it.

I will never be the same. None of us who know him ever will. But I know I have been blessed to have known a soul such as him. This is a gift few are given.

Day 180

Posted by

0

On the 21st of March two of his friends ran a half marathon to raise funds for Bipolar UK (www.bipolaruk.org.uk). Together they have raised £3268 so far. Great job girls! He would be so proud. Love does make us discover new things about ourselves.

This evening I met up with one of these incredible young women and we chatted about what it was like to be preparing for the run. She said it helped her in two ways – the training gave her time to think about him and the fund-raising gave her the opportunity to talk about him and his illness. What a constructive way of dealing with a personal tragedy such as this.

It is interesting to see his contemporaries preparing for their final year exams this summer. They will graduate this year. Unbelievable! How time flies.

As for me, I feel quiet stuck. Every deep breath is a sob. My eyes and nose feel heavy all the time as the tears are just sitting there waiting to start rolling. The lump in my throat has taken residence there. My friends and family seem to have moved on but I feel stuck. I am happy to be here. I have no complaints. I am here by choice or may be due to sheer lack of it. I am not ready to move yet.

Day 178

Posted by

0

Today I looked up the word ‘masculinity’. Here is what I found: independent, non-emotional, aggressive, tough-skinned, competitive, clumsy, experienced, strong, active, self-confident, hard, sexually aggressive and rebellious.

Femininity on the other hand is thus described: dependent, emotional, passive, sensitive, quiet, graceful, innocent, weak, flirtatious, nurturing, self-critical, soft, sexually submissive and accepting.

Even today we have deeply ingrained male and female stereotypes that are fundamentally flawed and unnecessarily put a lot of pressure on everyone. ‘Man up’ is a phrase commonly heard and we all know what that means. ‘Strong and silent’ variety of men are considered enigmatic and attractive.

Is it a co-incidence that nearly 6000 people end their own lives in the UK every year and 4 out of 5 of them are men?

Society expects them to be non-expressive and strong, especially when it comes to their so-called ‘weaknesses’. Where does the angst go? If not outwards, it must go inwards towards self destruction.

Opening up is crucial to our survival. Allowing them the time and space to open up is crucial to their survival.

Sometimes lives are saved in noisy Emergency Departments with the help of much gadgetry, expertise and advanced life saving medications. At other times lives are saved in a quite room where one person speaks and the other listens.

silencedeth_657 copy

Day 177

Posted by

0

Suicide prevention is a global issue.

The World Health Organisation has outlined 6 basic steps for the prevention of suicide, 4 of which centre on reducing the availability of methods.

  1. More effective treatment of mental disorders
  2. Gun possession control
  3. Detoxification of domestic gas
  4. Detoxification of car emissions
  5. Control of toxic substance availability
  6. Toning down suicide reports in the media.

If deprived of one method of suicide, won’t a suicidal person simply seek out a different one?

Preventative efforts will not go far without support from the public and without adequate funding from governments. Major success at suicide prevention is an unrealistic goal if the treatment of mental illness remains poor and/or unaffordable, if hospital stays for the ill are limited to days rather than weeks, if carers are expected to look after patients at home without any guidance and if society continues to be unaware of the suffering of so many people in its midst.

“Suicide is the number one killer among young black people,” said John Wilson, D.C. Council Chairman, “but we call it gunfire.” shortly before he killed himself. “We don’t even like to talk about it. We’ve got to change the way [America] feels about depression. We can’t put it all in God’s hands. God’s busy.”