Our tourist guide started by saying – Varanasi is a place of ‘learning and burning’. Very true. It is also a conglomeration of fire and water, heat and dust, monkeys and dogs, purity and dirt, life and death, devotion and neglect, peace and chaos, holy men and tourists, kite-flying and elaborate prayer ceremonies, aromas and stenches. We spent the day walking along the banks of the river Ganga, watching all the activities and preparing ourselves for the ceremony in the evening.

At one point, I felt very angry. Being the elder sister to two younger brothers, I was expected to always be ‘good’ so that they would learn by example and I did my best. I have worked really hard all my life. I have put myself through significant isolation and rigour to be able to provide well for my family. After all that, I clearly don’t deserve this!

When the time came, we said a few prayers, made some offerings and let him go. Now, he is free. I pray for his peace.

What have I learnt? Among other things, NO self pity, no matter what.

Sri Aurobindo has said, “There is no mortality. It is only the immortal who can die; the mortal can neither be born nor perish.”

Varanasi is a place of pilgrimage situated on the banks of river Ganga. This is where learned saints and sages of yore came to take their last breaths so that they could attain ‘Moksha’ or freedom from the cycle of re-birth.

The human body is believed to be made up of 5 elements: earth, water, air, fire and ether. My son’s mortal remains have already been merged with the atmosphere through the Fire God, who stands for enlightenment, purity and truth, during the Cremation ceremony. Today my partner and I have brought the ashes of my darling son here, to deliver him to his final resting place.

I have been carrying the urn with me all day – in the taxi, at the airport, walking in the streets, feeling like he is with me, making jokes about how heavy he is and feeling proud of him as usual. Tomorrow I will have no choice but to completely let go. Let go of the pain, the sadness, the immense attachment, the anger, the angst and the guilt. Everything except love.

Only love is real.

Pain is just pain. It turns into suffering when we choose to allow it to become that.

A few days ago, a well-meaning friend tried to explain the various stages of grieving to me. I am sure it has been studied extensively and lots of material published on it. Somehow, I was not keen to find out all about it, not because I know better but because I don’t think the experience  is the same for any two people. I just wanted to be with my feelings and observe them as they came and went.

At present I am watching a little part of me feeling like if I was to go back to being ‘normal’, it would be a betrayal to his memory. Isn’t it too early to do that anyway? What is the right time? Someone said, ‘don’t take any big decisions for at least 6 months’. Where does that figure come from? How can it apply to everyone in the same situation?

Tomorrow is a big day for our family as there is a birthday and an anniversary to celebrate. In addition, I have an hour and a half long telephonic meeting with the investigators. Should be interesting.

I shall just experience the experience.

Think of Breast Cancer and immediately we think of …… pink ribbon foundation, of course, whose main aim is ‘to advance the understanding of breast cancer, its early detection and treatment’.

Think of mental illness and ………. well, not clearly visible.

A Black Rose for me represents many things – darkness and mystery, resistance and courage, tragic love and deep devotion, rebirth and rejuvination, end of an era paving the way for a new beginning, death and mourning. There are a number of charities doing a lot of good work in the field of Mental health – Bipolar UK, Mind and Equilibrium to name a few, but they do not have a prominent visual presence. How great it would be if we could create more visibility and hence more awareness of Mental illness and the issues surrounding it.

Today the moon is full again – seems like the most appropriate night to be thinking about a logo to represent those who are allegedly greatly affected by the lunar cycle.

At present, I recognise that the biggest battles for me are firstly, dealing with the pointless guilt I have and secondly, dealing with the pain of missing him. Well, I did do the best I could and nothing is wholly dead that once lived, be it people or love.

Love you darling. xxx

It turns out that it was not just Mercury but other planets and cosmic forces were also conspiring against us. Saturn, Rahu and Ketu were all in cahoots. So much so they managed to have the solar and the lunar eclipse within the same calendar month – October 2014! Together they eclipsed my son from me forever.

Last week has been restful and contemplative. The village where I stayed was a huge contrast to the Big Smoke that I am used to. The one thing people had was plenty of time. How unusual is that for this day and age. Education meant understanding local flora and fauna, protecting the environment and planning living spaces in an all-inclusive and sustainable way. Schools had an ethos that allows kids to be who they are and express themselves openly. The only rule being – no violence, verbal or physical. I felt great admiration for the inspiring work being done by a couple of local NGOs. I could have just stayed.

My spiritual leader says – ‘Walk lightly on this planet.’ I have been doing quite the contrary. But I do feel lighter than I have in a long time, despite the fact that I have not been doing any of the things that I would ‘normally’ have done, such as, work, listen to music, spend time with friends, watch films, talk about it and cry a lot and eat some chocolate. Going back to work just doesn’t make any sense right now.

What is the new ‘normal’? What do I want to do with my life now?