Day 671

It leaves me tattered and torn.
It puts me back together again.
It makes me completely worn.
Yet keeps me somewhat sane.

It’s a constant force within.
It flows and ebbs away.
It wears me paper thin.
And gives me strength to stay.

It’s everywhere and all around.
It makes up everything I see.
It can’t be lost and can’t be found.
How could that possibly be?

It’s what makes the world go round.
It makes time stand completely still.
It heeds no voice and needs no sound
One can happily die and readily kill.

It’s you and it’s me.
It’s us and it’s we.
It’s everything that used to be.
And infinite till eternity.

Day 667

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Clarke Carlisle, a former footballer speaks openly about his experience of depression and two failed suicide attempts. His honesty comes through very clearly in this film titled:

‘The Silence of Suicide’
(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f86rz60Jcso&feature=youtu.be)

As he speaks, it breaks my heart to watch the tears roll down this handsome young man’s cheeks. I admire him for normalising vulnerability. He shares how depression makes one believe that everyone would be better off without them. He thinks that the stigma associated with suicide comes from the ‘mystery’ associated with the condition. Those left behind search within themselves and ask many questions but there are no answers. It is impossible to not personalise it. That makes it very hard for us to talk about it as individuals. Because it is so hard to speak about suicide for us as individuals, it is the same for us as a society. But it is essential and urgent for us all to talk about suicide. It is of paramount importance.

How can we encourage people to do this?

By ‘normalising’ it.
Statistics say that 1 in 4 people suffer from mental ill-health. However this may be a gross underestimation as many people are not very aware of how they feel. They may not really know and recognise their feelings.

His advice for anyone who might be thinking of ending their life is – Tell someone. Tell anyone. Once you do that, the power of that thought over you diminishes.

Day 666

Many years ago it was believed that the map of the brain of adults is fixed. It is fairly fully formed by early childhood and if for some reason it got dented by traumatic experiences in childhood, that is how it would stay for the rest of their lives.

However in the early nineteenth century the term ‘Neuro-plasticity’ was introduced. ‘ Neuro’ representing the neurons or brain cells and ‘plastic’ meaning their moldable and changeable nature.

Researchers showed that after monkeys were taught to spin a wheel in a very specific way that required an acute sense of touch in a couple of fingers, their brains changed. The part of their brain that received signals from those particular fingers was found to have increased by four times.

What does this mean for us?

The Nobel laureate Dr Charles Sherrington described the brain as “an enchanted loom with millions of flashing shuttles that weave a dissolving pattern, always a meaningful one, though never an abiding one.” It is the weaver who changes the loom by the very act of weaving. Hence, an activity, repeated over and over can change the brain cells and the pathways formed by the connections between them.

This can apply to the process of healing too – by practicing healing habits, we can begin to alter the looms of our brain. It could be painting, singing, walking or anything else.

Writing everyday since Day 0 has been a healing habit. I don’t think about how good or bad I am at it. I just do it. It helps.

Day 664

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Carrying on from yesterday’s saga – the laptop with a lot of my life in it stopped working. Very hopefully, I took it to the local shop at 10.30 am. They said they would call me around 6 pm and tell me if they can fix it. That left me a full day without much to do. I had to stop and think why this was happening. What was the lesson in this for me?

Maybe the universe wants me to give myself a break, freeing myself from deadlines and compulsive writing. Maybe this is another exercise in letting go. May be this is a day given to me as a gift to do something different, something fun. May be I just surrender to what is and make the most of what I have – a sunny day off work in this case. Not a very common occurrence.

So, I did. I was tempted to start working on the I-pad, instead I got in the car with my parents and we drove to one of my favourite places a short scenic distance away from home – the Lavender fields.

The gorgeous colours, the hypnotising fragrance, the luminous sky, the playful sun, the open fresh air, the kids in colourful hats, the selfie takers and … just being there with the two  people I cherish most, I felt immensely blessed. This is what I needed to do. Reclaim my life. Live it. In love and gratitude.

Day 662

“I sit beside the fire and think
Of all that I have seen
Of meadow flowers and butterflies
In summers that have been

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair

I sit beside the fire and think
Of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring
That I shall ever see

For still there are so many things
That I have never seen
In every wood in every spring
There is a different green

I sit beside the fire and think
Of people long ago
And people that will see a world
That I shall never know

But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before
I listen for returning feet
And voices at the door”
― J.R.R. Tolkien