gratitude

Day 307

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As I cycle along the polluted and overcrowded streets of London, every now and then I get a fragrant whiff of lavender. Just a few flowers in someone’s front garden are enough to beautify the environment and lift the energy of the space around them. It is a pleasant surprise and although it is just a small thing, it adds hugely to the joy of living.

A few years ago a new doctor joined our department. A few days later I happened to be around where she was and peeped into her office to say hello and welcome her. I had no idea how much that little gesture meant to her till she told me so a year later. We are now the closest of friends. Sometimes we do small things and think nothing of them. We don’t think it matters.

These tiny little things add up to form the experience of abundance. Although I miss my son very much, my life is overflowing with fullness through all the people I have met through him. Their lives were somehow touched by him. The goodness generated from that is adding fragrance to the world, even though the source is not visible. Yet, it is here.

“Abundance is not something we acquire. It is something we tune into.” – Wayne Dyer.

Day 306

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Non-judgmental attitude and practice in everyday life is something that many of us strive for and idealise. In essence it means not to be critical of other people’s thoughts or actions based on one’s own biases, thus allowing for new ideas and theories to emerge. As a medic, it is imperative on me to not have any pre-formed notions or opinions of my patients even when they are alcoholics, unkempt, very posh or anything else.

I notice that while we strive hard to be non-judgmental about others, it’s very different when it comes to ourselves. I find me judging myself often – about the stuff I write, or even think, my behavior on occasions in the past, my lack of understanding and knowledge of certain subjects, my low energy levels at times and even how many things I managed to tick off my to-do list on a given day! It’s silly but true. Acceptance of oneself with all one’s failings and frailties surely must be the foundation of accepting life and everyone else.

“Of course there is no formula for success except, perhaps, an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings.” Arthur Rubinstein

I do bear in mind that everyday may not be good but there is something good in every day. I stay with that ‘something good’ and keep my attention on it. That makes the rest of it tolerable. I am ok. In fact, I am good. How are you?

Day 303

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Today I heard this song by ‘Everything But The Girl’ for the first time and loved it.

“I step off the train
I’m walking down your street again
And past your door, but you don’t live there anymore
It’s years since you’ve been there
Now you’ve disappeared somewhere, like outer space
You’ve found some better place

And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain

Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead, of everyone
We’d walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
And I can almost hear you shout down to me
Where I always used to be

And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain

Back on the train, I ask why did I come again?
Can I confess, I’ve been hanging round your old address?
And the years have proved
To offer, nothing since you’ve moved
You’re long gone, but I can’t move on

And I miss you, like the deserts miss the rain”

We went for a long walk with a friend today and had a few good laughs. At the end I gave her a hug and said softly, ”You are sweet.” In response she said with a big smile, ”I am a real bitch.” We both burst out laughing. Comedy was something he really enjoyed, especially stand-up. One of his favourites was Paul Chawdhry, a young British man of Asian origin. We often watched video clips of his shows together. Here is one he mimicked to perfection. I could almost hear him say some of the words and make some of those face expressions. Even though it made me laugh, I missed him like the deserts miss the rain.

Music and humour are known to heal.
It was a good day.

Day 298

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Since the time he left for university, I took time to strengthen my daily practices of yoga, breathing exercises and meditation. I also took singing lessons and felt great about that. I felt like I was 25 again but with a deeper sense of self.

Once a colleague asked me how I was doing and I said ‘Excellent!” He was a bit taken aback by my overly positive response but that was the truth at the time.  Those two years put me in a really good place. Looking back, I believe nature was preparing the ground for a meteorite to hit.

This morning I woke up really feeling the darkness of the dawn. While it was bright and sunny, I just wanted to sit holding my head in my hands. The burden of another day!

It’s like carrying a gigantic mountain around.

When the earth is hit by a comet, some of the energy is deflected but most of the force of the impact needs to be absorbed by the earth.  The mantel is deformed and cracked, the molten core is disrupted causing changes in the polarity of the entire planet, huge tsunamis and immense volcanoes can be triggered and entire species can be wiped out.

Similarly, while talking, writing and sharing help, the real stuff of dealing with the impact of something like this has to be somehow absorbed by my Being. The huge transfer of energy that takes place at that moment carries for a long time. There is no formula, no tricks or tips for doing it better or faster.

Suicide doesn’t end pain, it reassigns it.

Day 296

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In the end it’s all about letting go.

Letting go of the past,
Of the pain and loss
Of the guilt and anger
Of the love and longing.

Starting afresh each day.
Every moment, a new beginning.
It hurts to let go.
It hurts more to hold on.
Hold on to what?
To that which doesn’t even exist.

Telling and retelling myself,
Letting go does not mean there is no love.
It doesn’t mean you are weak.
It means you are strong enough.

The tighter the fist full of sand,
The more the sand escapes.
Please help me unfurl my fingers
One by one
And allow for space
To be, to breath, to expand
To reach out to what is right here right now.

There are things I don’t want to happen
But have to accept.
Things I don’t want to know
But have to learn.
And people I can’t live without but have to let go.