gratitude

Day 293

Posted by

0

‘Jis tan laage so tan jaane.’ – this is a Punjabi phrase that means, “Only the one who suffers can know the suffering.”

Now I know what that means.

Now I know why support groups work. People who have had similar experiences can truly empathise with each other. I am sure others can ‘imagine’ how it must feel but they can’t know it. In fact, a frequent grievance amongst those bereaved through suicide is that even close friends and colleagues don’t understand what it is like. It is bewildering and isolating when that happens as quite often some of them are the ones we count on when things go wrong.

Why is it that some people can’t even extend their condolences for our loss? Irrespective of how our loved ones died, they did die. We lost someone dear to us forever. That surely is more important than how it happened. I think that often it is their own discomfort that stops them. May be they don’t want to upset us by bringing it up. I do not blame anyone for not understanding. They can’t. And similarly, I can’t understand what it is like for them to have someone like me around – recently bereaved.

Of course, I think it is ‘recent’. A friend who lost her child around the same time as I lost my son was told by a psychiatrist that she suffers from ‘Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD).” It is defined by its symptoms, duration and intensity. The symptoms are yearning intensely for the person, identity confusion, difficulty accepting the loss, bitterness, emotional numbness, inability to trust others and feeling stuck in grief. These are present every day, cause significant distress and functional impairment and remain intense, frequent and disabling for six months or more after the death.

Isn’t this pure ‘medicalisation’ of the human condition?
I think I have PGD too. I belong to a community that does.

Through this painful experience, I have been very fortunate to experience overwhelming love and compassion from all around me. Despite the devastation of it, it has been life affirming. I shall always be grateful for that.

Firstly we don’t really know our own capacity for compassion.
Secondly, we can’t imagine the potential for our compassion to bring about transformation in our world.

Day 288

Posted by

0

Music transforms ones inner landscape, especially when played live. This evening’s jazz and blues concert was an amalgamation of sounds that transported me into exotic locations straight out of the National Geographic. At times it sounded like a gentle swish of water running over curved surfaces and other times it was a noisy stream flowing strongly while little droplets of light fell randomly all around it. The ebb, flow and beauty of the rhythms reflected the life forces in and around me.

For a long time I had been hoping to go to this particular jazz bar with my son but somehow never got around to doing it. Hope is hopeless. It’s best to just get on and do it. He would have loved it! My attention goes naturally towards the percussionist as I am the mother of one.

There I sat in this dark atmospheric bar, remembering the time when I was pregnant with him. Everyone said, “You must eat for two”. By that measure, now I should enjoy life for two. Smile twice as much, experience double the joy, look after my family and friends on his behalf too and be love times two.

It may sound strange but often I feel his presence near me, especially when I am with his close friends or doing the things he liked doing.

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

– Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Day 285

Posted by

0

As a young girl I remember being fairly lost.
I was quiet. I liked to watch and listen. I was awkward and self conscious.

I wish I knew at least one of these things when I was young.

  • If you don’t do what other people expect you to do, it’s ok. They will find a way to deal with it.
  • Be wary of security as a goal. It may look like life’s best prize but it is not.
  • Be ready to be surprised by grace.
  • If you are having to fight too hard for something, it is possible that it’s not the best thing for you.
  • Live usefully – nothing is as satisfying as making a difference in somebody else’s life.
  • Separate yourself from cynics and from peddlers of despair.
  • Give yourself permission to be who you want to be.

Over the last few days, we (me and the other 3 participants from the programme on Suicide Prevention last week) have received innumerable messages of love and kindness. Many people have found our conversation useful, many have been deeply touched by it, many others have become more aware.

In my job, I find a lot of satisfaction and joy but I don’t feel like I ‘live usefully’. A part of my brain says, “Well, anybody could do this.”

But this is different. I don’t feel like I am doing anything. It is just happening.
I feel truly useful.

Day 277

Posted by

2

Hannah Brencher’s mother always wrote her letters. So when she felt herself bottom into depression at college, she did what felt natural. She wrote love letters and left them for strangers to find. The act has become a global initiative, ‘The World Needs More Love Letters’ which rushes handwritten letters to those in need of a boost. She delivered a TED talk on the project last year.

Tremendous amount of unexpected kindness has come my way over the last year. This time last year my son’s Bipolar illness was showing us it’s ugly face. My elderly parents had the misfortune of witnessing it at its worst. It was traumatic for them but they were patient and kind.

When I wanted to get away from London for a few days, friends of friends in Bournemouth hosted me for a weekend. I had never met them before. They were good listeners and very generous with their time. I will never forget their humanity.
Another friend took me out on a cycling trip by the seaside as he knew it would cheer me up like nothing else could. So thoughtful!

Since my son’s death, so many people have reached out to me through cards, letters, notes, visits, e-mails, songs, sharing his pictures and videos. All of them mean so much to me. Each one is so special that I feel like framing them and covering all the walls of the house with them.

“What was that thought?” asked my partner.
“What thought?” said I.
“The one that just ran across your face.” said he.
He knows when I don’t speak about something that is important to me. He can tell because he puts his attention on me. He knows I don’t want to be someone who constantly needs cheering up or talks about the same thing or makes pathetic company. That stops me from sharing my thoughts all the time.

He cares enough to notice these small things.
I am grateful beyond words.

“Unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly and most underrated agent of human change. Kindness that catches us by surprise brings out the best in our natures.” – Bob Kerrey

Day 276

Posted by

2

Twenty-six years ago I had a job I liked, I had a nice enough place to live, I had a few lovely friends, I was in a steady relationship that was beautiful and I lived miles away from my parents which was difficult but I managed.

Today is the same, yet completely different.

I have a job I like, I have lovely friends, I am in a beautiful relationship and I live miles away from my parents which is difficult but I manage.

What makes today different?

It’s not that I am terribly self- aware but may be just a little bit more than before.

Not all that much travelling has taken place, but I have travelled a bit further in body and mind.

Many mistakes have been made – some lessons learnt and some mistakes repeated.

A lot has been lost and an immeasurable amount of enrichment has also taken place.

Many people have touched my life and vice versa.

A few more words have been added to my vocabulary, such as “being centered” and “equanimity”.

My ‘being’ has added a few more dimensions to itself.

On the journey from head to heart, I have moved closer to the heart.

In the brief time we have here, there is so much joy and love, the full range of human emotions to be experienced, so much more to be learnt and celebrated, so many more hugs and smiles to be shared, so many more possibilities to be opened up to.

“We shall not cease from exploration,

And the end of all exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.”

-T.S Eliot. Four Quartets.