gratitude

Day 244

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You may have chosen to go.
But you are still here.
In the grass, the sunshine, clouds and air.
You are here.

Your arms are around me.
Your smile still brightens my days.
Your laughter rings through the house.
Your friends still call and drop in.
We speak of you like you will be back next week,
having just popped out of town for a gig.

All these places remember you well – our street, the corner shop, the bus stop, the bakery and the local pub.
Your things are still strewn around the house.
Your pictures everywhere – even the ones you don’t like.
The thoughts of you are constantly here.

Our memories play themselves over and over again,
like a film in front of my eyes through which I see the world.
House, Friends, South Park and The Office are still on TV.
Stand up comics are on too.
Top Gear is gone for a while but it’ll be back soon.
I told you that guy was a goon.

The lawn is ready for mowing.
The cricket is on.
Exams are over.
Most kids are back home for the summer.
You are in every French conversation that I hear.
In Arabic too.

You are in the drumbeats of every song.
In every beat of my heart.
There are traces of you everywhere.
My life is sublime because you are there.

xxx

Day 240

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The present still stands still. I feel like a bell struck by an indifferent hammer whose blow leaves echoes ringing in the ears long after the strike, a big noise transforming itself into an elongated faint harmony. Deep inside I know the intensity of pain I feel now will pass in time but right now life seems filled with absence. Right now my heart is not willing to move forward but my legs move the rest of me. Whether the movement is aimless or purposeful, it is still movement, a gesture of faith that something still lies ahead.

One beautiful hour of walking through the countryside with a friend this afternoon woke up that part of me which has been unable or unwilling to move. It started off as the usual walk of a ghost through a sepia world but ended up as a celebration of life and all its gifts – friendship, colour and beauty. The walk became a demonstration of the power of persistence. I kept walking till my body had gently bathed my brain in the bio-chemicals that shield it from darkness. I did not have the energy to move fast but I pushed hard enough to make the clouds recede a bit. I had claimed back some control from the world.

This is what life is about right now: putting one foot in front of the other. I demand nothing more of myself. And nothing less.

Day 236

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Just me

When you have kids, no one tells you, the love is cruel!

It overflows through every pore in your body. It sits in the driver’s seat of your life and takes you places you never knew existed. It kills you. You feel every little scrape on their knees, every tiny disappointment, exhilaration and aspiration. It is like having extensions of oneself, roaming around in other bodies, watching Smurfs and Power Rangers, doing their home work, ice skating, choosing to walk through puddles on the road to school, making new friends, singing in the school choir, acting in the nativity play, recognizing you from a distance in a crowd and running towards you with their arms wide open and a big beaming smile on their faces. That kind of love makes you forget everything else.

When he was at school, the thought of him going to university brought tears to my eyes. When he went to university, I read up about ‘detachment’ and thought I had learnt what I needed to learn. Now I know I learnt nothing.

Is life just about learning?

May be it is about whatever I want it to be about.

May be it is also about having lots of fun.

Day 233

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When he was 12 years old he fell in love with percussion.

A couple of years prior to that he had gone through a bassoon phase. So we were not sure how serious this fascination was. One weekend we went to the local music shop to look at a few drum kits and we found a beautiful pink and black one. He liked it enough for us to bring it home. He enjoyed it for 4 years while getting really good at it. He then graduated to an electronic kit in order to keep friendly relations with our neighbours.

As soon as he got home from school, he would put his bag down and go straight to the drums, get his head phones on, tinker with the settings on the ‘brain’ and get going. He would be lost in a world of rhythm, completely oblivious of time or anything else.

He spent hours watching youtube clips of great drummers and shared them with us sometimes. He was extremely fond of the double peddle and went to great lengths to acquire just the right one. He played the djembe and darbakka. He often had a practice pad strapped to his thigh on which he would play anywhere and everywhere. If nothing else, he percussed with his fingers on any given surface with full concentration, his eyes focused on a spot somewhere in the mid-distance. He wrote music and created new beats for himself. He had designed the new tattoo he was going to get. It would be a bird’s eye view of his ideal drum kit.

At 16 he performed his first public gig with his friends at a fund raising concert. I think it was the happiest day of his life.

Today I gave his electronic drum kit away.
I hope it finds much love in its new home.

Day 232

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Listening to music rendered with love, produced with love, speaking of love, filled every particle of my being with immense love. I sat in the concert hall soaked from head to toe in this heady elixir with my sweetheart on one side and my closest friend on the other. I reached out to them and held their hands in mine. Sitting with my eyes closed, just being in that moment felt blissful. Life was whole and complete. Nothing less, nothing more.

All colours are an expression of love. Every musical note vibrates with love. Grief is love. Beauty is love. God is love. Life is love. I am love. You are love. There is nothing else. It’s love that keeps us alive. It makes life worth living. Love is all we need. There is an abundance of it all around us – in the flowers, the trees, the clouds, the rain, the grass, the earth, the sun, the stars and the moon. These have been created out of love.

Being able to hear, appreciate and feel music is a gift.
Time with loved ones is a blessing.

A world without love does not exist as every atom of the Universe is Love.