Day 767

For months I have been noticing that more often than not, whenever I randomly turn on the radio in the car or at home, I hear something closely related to what’s going on in my mind.

‘Stand by me’ was the first episode of a series called ‘We need to talk about death’ on BBC Radio 4. Given that death and dying are an essential part of the stream of human existence, many of us shy away from the subject. In this series Joan Bakewell explores the choices open to us and other questions on the subject that are most feared. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b083pd1p

Last Sunday, on the long drive home, between Bollywood and Jazz music, we tuned into the radio to check what was on. We were introduced to an enigmatic Welsh word, ‘Hiraeth’ (pronounced Here-eyeth with a rolling ‘r’). There is no exact English word for it. The best we can do is ‘homesickness’ but that doesn’t do it any justice. Hiraeth is a feeling of something lost a long time ago. To feel hiraeth is to feel a deep sense of incompleteness, a yearning for something better, a grief for something left behind, an aspect of impossibility, pining for a home or a person. It can push the nostalgia button and bring on the belief that things were better in the past. It is the signature tune of loss. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b083m307

I think I know what that feels like.

 

Day 761

One wrong after another – worked in an unfamiliar environment with people I did not know all day – despite best efforts missed the much awaited appointment with my therapist due to late finish at work – we decided to miss King Lear at the Old Vic as we felt knackered – ran into two of Saagar’s school friends just outside the railway station on the way home – surprisingly, remembered their names despite them looking somewhat different from 6 years ago. One of them took my number and said he wanted to visit. We agreed to meet up for coffee next Tuesday. We didn’t talk about him but we gave each other big Saagar hugs.

Tears came rolling down as I walked away in the cold darkness with my arms crossed. I sobbed all the way home, the return walk that Saagar never made. Everything came back – the school, the friends, the life, the food, the laughter, the evenings, the books, the TV, the music… everything. The gaping hole got bigger and darker, swallowing me up.

Got a message from a friend asking me how I was. The story poured out of me like molten lava. I suppose if you ask someone ‘How are you?’, you’ve got to be willing to listen to the answer.

 

Day 759

“My daughter, Frances, developed severe clinical depression when she was in her second year at university, aged 20. She started to self harm, cutting her arms and 3 months later attempted to take her own life by taking an overdose of paracetamol. She was taken to the general hospital in Derby and was released to us 3 days later with no follow up treatment of any kind. The depression continued and we were constantly terrified that she would attempt to take her own life again. She moved backwards and forwards between Derby and home for several months, still clearly very unwell, and was eventually admitted to a psychiatric ward in Addenbrookes hospital in Cambridge (fortunately now closed down) where she only stayed 5 days as she was badly bullied by a psychiatric nurse and forbidden to access either food or drink unless she went to the dining area, which her catatonic depression and severe distress prevented her from doing.

After leaving the hospital, she was offered no further treatment and was not even assigned a CPN. We continued struggling for 3 more years, desperately trying to get the appropriate help for my daughter to survive and cope with the debilitating depression. In 2006 Frances became very severely depressed again and came home after splitting up with her boyfriend, leaving her extremely fragile and deeply depressed. My husband checked the memory on our computer and found out that Frances was actively researching suicide sites. I called our G.P practice and begged for an appointment for her with our G.P, who had been very understanding when we were able to access her. I had complained numerous times that it was often impossible to get an appointment with our G.P as one of the women on reception always insisted that Frances should see whoever was available and she repeatedly refused to give her access to our G.P. On that fateful day, 6 June, 2007, access was once again denied and Frances was given an appointment with another doctor. I went with Frances, as she was catatonic at this stage, and begged the G.P to refer her to hospital. I stressed, repeatedly, that Frances had already made a serious attempt to take her own life and was currently researching suicide sites on our computer. Despite my entreaties, the G.P insisted that Frances should have a prescription for a halved dose of anti depressant, prior to changing it to another one, and sent her away with a leaflet on counselling. Only 5 days later on 12 June 2007, Frances attempted to hang herself. She survived after 6 months in hospital and was left with a severe brain injury, unable to do anything for herself and requiring 24/7 care at a huge cost to Social Care and the NHS.

Frances lived a life with very little quality for a further 9 years and died this year of breast cancer.

I have actively campaigned for many years to improve mental health provision, especially for young people, who are most at risk. I have helped Papyrus and the Samaritans with media work and research and also campaigned for Headway. Over the past 9 years, I have listened to countless parents telling me their story and I have learned that my daughters experience with a G.P, just before attempting or completing suicide is sadly very common. All doctors, and particularly G.P’s, should have a mandatory day’s training on suicide awareness. The training for doctors is long and rigorous, but currently has nothing with regard to suicide prevention. As G.Ps are the gatekeepers of the nation’s health, and are usually the first point of health care access, it is particularly essential that this training becomes mandatory.”

Just one days training in suicide awareness for all doctors could potentially save thousands of lives every year. Teachers, too, would benefit from this training and young people in secondary schools should be taught about mental health, how to protect themselves and to feel able to confide in a trusted adult if they self harm and or have suicidal thoughts. As a teacher, myself, I am well aware of the considerable emphasis on physical health, taught as part of the PSHE curriculum, at primary and secondary schools, but there is nothing in the current national curriculum regarding safe- guarding mental health and so the stigma still remains. Many young men, in particular, suffer from severe and devastating depression, yet tell no-one except,their G.P that they have thoughts of self-harm and suicide. Their parents and families often say that they had no idea that their son or daughter was suicidal until it was too late.” – RW

Another lone voice in the dark joining up. Watch out for the big clang. It’s coming. It’s long overdue. We will be heard. I promise you Saagar. Things will have to change.

 

Day 758

Prison statistics reported in June this year by the Howard league for Penal reform suggest the following:

  • 30% rise in ‘self inflicted’ deaths.
  • A dramatic increase in the number of women who took their own lives – 11 compared with only one during the preceding year.
  • The quarter between April and June 2016 recorded the highest figures for self-harm (9505, of which 665 led to attendances at hospital), 6086 assaults, including 1,540 assaults on staff.
  • Number of prisons awarded the worst possible rating has doubled in the last year.
  • Number of murders in prison over the last 2 years is more than the previous 8 years put together.
  • Budget cuts meant that prison officer numbers fell from 24,000 in 2010 to just over 14,000 by 2014

‘Prisons are not only becoming more dangerous, they are becoming more dangerous more quickly.’ Could it be because mental health issues continue to dominate the police custody world as officers strive to make detention a better and kinder experience for individuals suffering from a crisis. Without proper support from and liason with Mental health services, these individuals land up on the streets or in deeper trouble.

Statements of difficult predicaments from National Custody Seminar, September 2016 :

“You can be dealing with a detainee who is ready for release, and they say to the custody sergeant ‘as soon as I walk out of here, I’m going to jump under a train’ or hang themselves, or create some horrible outcome.”

“The custody officer is then of course faced with a very difficult problem to solve. If they are telling you and you’ve got no reason to disbelieve that they may kill themselves or self-harm, what do you do? Do you let them go? How long do you follow them for?”

“Some officers have tried to detain people for their own good because they can’t rely on the Mental Health Act. Common sense tells you it’s the right thing to do, but the law says you are breaking it. I think that’s a loophole that needs to be sorted out and addressed.”

The deteriorating statistics could surely be a reflection of 2 key services starved of resources trying to look after vulnerable people – Mental Health and Police services.

Sources:

http://howardleague.org/news/prisons-are-becoming-more-dangerous-more-quickly/

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/apr/12/ministers-prison-reform-overcrowded-understaffed-invest

http://polfed.org/newsroom/3683.aspx

Day 757

photo

Feel No Guilt in Laughter

Feel no guilt in laughter
They would know how much you care
Feel no sorrow in a smile
That they are not here to share.

You cannot grieve forever
They would not want you to
They would hope that you could carry on
The way you always do.

So talk about the good times
And the way you showed you cared
The days you spent together
And all the happiness you shared.

Let memories surround you
A word someone may say
Will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, a day,
That brings them back as clearly
As though they were still here
And fill you with the feeling
That they are always near.

For if you keep those moments
You will never be apart
And they will live forever
Locked safe within your heart.

– Anonymous.