Day 669

“It’s the small steps that walk us through this.

It’s the knockdown with the ability to stand.

We may be very shaken after our fall, but we stand in pride for those we loved, that ended it all.

It’s the counting of days, weeks and years we focus on; but we must count the days, weeks and years that they lived.

We can’t forget the time they did live, for that is why we loved them enough to have this pain of ours.

Their leaving moment does not outweigh their living moments. We grieve for many reasons: we grieve for their pain and our loss. Celebrating their life was longer than that moment of passing. Which shall I dwell upon? Their life, their living, their happiness, their achievements… that is where I should dwell. Imagine all the time they carried their pain and their force to live through it. That will never be trumped by their moment of death, for we are still here to stand for their namesake. Their name was never suicide and it should never be that way. Carry them with you no matter how heavily it weighs you down. You are their storyteller now.”

– SNY

Day 668

Posted by kidsaregifts20

A dozen of them arrived hidden inside a suitcase. Smuggled across borders in the name of love. True love. Covered in yellow and green skins holding the sunshine of the tropics and the sweetness of the people within. Carrying the essence of lazy summer afternoons spent back home waiting for the power supply to come back, fanning ourselves with hand-woven rectangular fans, for many hours.

They sit invitingly in a clear glass bowl. My most cherished possessions! Sadly perishable! Can hardly stop myself from digging into them and yet want them to last for as long as possible. Can hardly bear the thought that one day they will all be gone. Finished. The aroma they ooze tingles the senses and unknowingly I hang around the fruit bowl just to be within the sphere of that aroma.

Each bite, a taste of heaven. Beyond all description. The juicy firmness, disappearing into sublime lusciousness leaving me in state of ecstatic bliss. I take small mouthfuls to make it last longer. The juice drips in thick yellow drops from my knuckles as I devour the pulp around the stone. The whole world disappears when I am one with the mango. Move over Sally. (Ref: ‘When Harry met Sally’).

Summer is synonymous with mangos. Saagar used to love them ever since he first tasted them when he was 8 months old. He called them ‘ambu’, baby lingo for ‘aam’ which means mango in Hindi. I call Si ‘Tarzan’ when it’s hot and he roams around t-shirtless. He calls me ‘Mango’.

Day 665

Posted by kidsaregifts20

Another chapel.
Another service.
Another departure without a good-bye.
Another bunch of people in grief and black.
Another room full of sniffles and sorrow.
Another beautiful smile forever loved and missed.
Another reminder of indiscriminate randomness.
Another family’s future laid to rest.
Another opportunity to remember what’s important.
Another place to experience deep love.

Despite never having met any of M’s( a friend from work) family before, I could guess who’s who just by looking at them. Her hubby and her boys absolutely fitted her descriptions. Her youngest graduated this year without his Mum by his side. I found myself in juxtaposition with him. I could feel their shock from her sudden departure and could also see the strength they derived from one another. It was a familiar place. Through the people and conversations I got to know her so much better. I could recognise her sense of humour in the eulogies. It runs in the family.

On so many occasions we agreed that we should meet outside of work but that somehow never happened. Every time we made a plan, something got in the way. I wish…

Her sisters told me how much my friendship with M meant to her. It meant a lot to me too but I never really told her that in so many words. I wish…

I love you M.
Thank you for being my friend.
It has been an absolute joy and privilege to know you.

Bye-bye Miss American Pie!

Day 664

Posted by kidsaregifts20

Carrying on from yesterday’s saga – the laptop with a lot of my life in it stopped working. Very hopefully, I took it to the local shop at 10.30 am. They said they would call me around 6 pm and tell me if they can fix it. That left me a full day without much to do. I had to stop and think why this was happening. What was the lesson in this for me?

Maybe the universe wants me to give myself a break, freeing myself from deadlines and compulsive writing. Maybe this is another exercise in letting go. May be this is a day given to me as a gift to do something different, something fun. May be I just surrender to what is and make the most of what I have – a sunny day off work in this case. Not a very common occurrence.

So, I did. I was tempted to start working on the I-pad, instead I got in the car with my parents and we drove to one of my favourite places a short scenic distance away from home – the Lavender fields.

The gorgeous colours, the hypnotising fragrance, the luminous sky, the playful sun, the open fresh air, the kids in colourful hats, the selfie takers and … just being there with the two people I cherish most, I felt immensely blessed. This is what I needed to do. Reclaim my life. Live it. In love and gratitude.

Day 662

Posted by kidsaregifts20

“I sit beside the fire and think
Of all that I have seen
Of meadow flowers and butterflies
In summers that have been

Of yellow leaves and gossamer
In autumns that there were
With morning mist and silver sun
And wind upon my hair

I sit beside the fire and think
Of how the world will be
When winter comes without a spring
That I shall ever see

For still there are so many things
That I have never seen
In every wood in every spring
There is a different green

I sit beside the fire and think
Of people long ago
And people that will see a world
That I shall never know

But all the while I sit and think
Of times there were before
I listen for returning feet
And voices at the door”
― J.R.R. Tolkien