Today was a good day. I woke up before dawn for a boat ride down the ganges, along the ‘ghats’. The misty morning was truly magical! The trip to Kashi-Vashwanath temple was an interesting reminder of the joys of organized religion. We were once again faced by the reality of the unfairness of life – the amount of money earned by the priest in half an hour was the same as that earned by our guide in one day!

The highlight of the day has to be the dip in the Ganges at sunrise, the water being really cold! I was a bit worried about the (un)hygienic aspects of the immersion but then could not resist what is a ‘must do’ activity in this part of the world. I must admit that despite my reservations, I felt absolutely refreshed and rejuvenated thereafter. It is hard to explain the feeling – a mix of exhilarating, cleansing, like being blessed and freed by Mother nature.

That is what I did today – blessed and freed him. I accept what is.

In the evening I went around some saree shops and got myself not one but two sarees. Life is a gift, good company is a great gift, joy and enthusiasm is God. Our guide is a very sweet proud ‘benarasi babu’. He says “there is only three thing to do – walking, talking and smiling’. I agree. 🙂

Our tourist guide started by saying – Varanasi is a place of ‘learning and burning’. Very true. It is also a conglomeration of fire and water, heat and dust, monkeys and dogs, purity and dirt, life and death, devotion and neglect, peace and chaos, holy men and tourists, kite-flying and elaborate prayer ceremonies, aromas and stenches. We spent the day walking along the banks of the river Ganga, watching all the activities and preparing ourselves for the ceremony in the evening.

At one point, I felt very angry. Being the elder sister to two younger brothers, I was expected to always be ‘good’ so that they would learn by example and I did my best. I have worked really hard all my life. I have put myself through significant isolation and rigour to be able to provide well for my family. After all that, I clearly don’t deserve this!

When the time came, we said a few prayers, made some offerings and let him go. Now, he is free. I pray for his peace.

What have I learnt? Among other things, NO self pity, no matter what.

Sri Aurobindo has said, “There is no mortality. It is only the immortal who can die; the mortal can neither be born nor perish.”

Varanasi is a place of pilgrimage situated on the banks of river Ganga. This is where learned saints and sages of yore came to take their last breaths so that they could attain ‘Moksha’ or freedom from the cycle of re-birth.

The human body is believed to be made up of 5 elements: earth, water, air, fire and ether. My son’s mortal remains have already been merged with the atmosphere through the Fire God, who stands for enlightenment, purity and truth, during the Cremation ceremony. Today my partner and I have brought the ashes of my darling son here, to deliver him to his final resting place.

I have been carrying the urn with me all day – in the taxi, at the airport, walking in the streets, feeling like he is with me, making jokes about how heavy he is and feeling proud of him as usual. Tomorrow I will have no choice but to completely let go. Let go of the pain, the sadness, the immense attachment, the anger, the angst and the guilt. Everything except love.

Only love is real.

Pain is just pain. It turns into suffering when we choose to allow it to become that.

A few days ago, a well-meaning friend tried to explain the various stages of grieving to me. I am sure it has been studied extensively and lots of material published on it. Somehow, I was not keen to find out all about it, not because I know better but because I don’t think the experience  is the same for any two people. I just wanted to be with my feelings and observe them as they came and went.

At present I am watching a little part of me feeling like if I was to go back to being ‘normal’, it would be a betrayal to his memory. Isn’t it too early to do that anyway? What is the right time? Someone said, ‘don’t take any big decisions for at least 6 months’. Where does that figure come from? How can it apply to everyone in the same situation?

Tomorrow is a big day for our family as there is a birthday and an anniversary to celebrate. In addition, I have an hour and a half long telephonic meeting with the investigators. Should be interesting.

I shall just experience the experience.

Think of Breast Cancer and immediately we think of …… pink ribbon foundation, of course, whose main aim is ‘to advance the understanding of breast cancer, its early detection and treatment’.

Think of mental illness and ………. well, not clearly visible.

A Black Rose for me represents many things – darkness and mystery, resistance and courage, tragic love and deep devotion, rebirth and rejuvination, end of an era paving the way for a new beginning, death and mourning. There are a number of charities doing a lot of good work in the field of Mental health – Bipolar UK, Mind and Equilibrium to name a few, but they do not have a prominent visual presence. How great it would be if we could create more visibility and hence more awareness of Mental illness and the issues surrounding it.

Today the moon is full again – seems like the most appropriate night to be thinking about a logo to represent those who are allegedly greatly affected by the lunar cycle.

At present, I recognise that the biggest battles for me are firstly, dealing with the pointless guilt I have and secondly, dealing with the pain of missing him. Well, I did do the best I could and nothing is wholly dead that once lived, be it people or love.

Love you darling. xxx