the now

Day 583

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The last few days have been spent on this little island in the English Channel that is gorgeous despite unfriendly weather. It has a notorious reputation of being a tax haven and a convenient hide-away for the very rich. This is evident from the many yacht-tans and bottles of Crug that surround us at various restaurants. Despite being so tiny, it has a rich history.

The first people appeared on Jersey 250,000 years ago. They were nomadic hunters who used caves as base whilst hunting mammoth. The area was used on and off until the first ice age. In 6000 BC Jersey became an island after being separated from the Normandy peninsula by rising sea levels. There is substantial evidence of neolithic settlers in the form of dolmens, menhirs and chambered graves. Over the centuries, the Vikings, French, English and Germans staked a claim on the island at different times.

During the summer of 2012 two men, using metal detectors, discovered an ancient treasure in a field in Jersey. This treasure of compacted coins had lain hidden for up to 2,000 years. The Jersey Heritage display these coins in an exhibition complete with live conservation of the coin hoard. It is fascinating.

Coin with gold 1

Driving around, following directions from the female voice of the sat-nav with absolutely obnoxious pronounciations of the french road names made me think of Saagar and how funny he would have found them. Standing by the sea, listening to it’s rhythmic sound and watching the sun shine through the clouds made me feel really close to him. I wish I could hold him. I wish I could listen to his laughter one more time. I wish he would call me sometime. I would love to hear him say ‘Mamma’. I wish he could see the full moon tonight. And the moonlight reflecting off the surface of the sea. And this island of stone walls and lovely balconies. It is beautiful. But nothing is as beautiful as him. Nothing is beautiful without him.

 

 

Day 577

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Walking through Streatham Common this afternoon, we took a moment to buy an ice-cream and sit on a bench, looking at the park where we walked with Saagar the weekend before he died. It’s the same. Kids and dogs galore. People flying kites, having picnics, listening to  music, running, cycling and romancing. It was the same park. The same sun, trees, shadows and clouds. The same chuckles and chirpings. The same breeze. The same me. Yet, nothing was the same. It all seemed colourless and lifeless. Nothing like it used to be.

This song by Adele started to play and it rang so true for Saagar then and me now.

I only wanted to have fun
Learning to fly…
Learning to run…
I let my heart decide the way
When I was young…
Deep down I must have always known
That it would be inevitable
To earn my stripes I’d have to pay!
And bear my soul

I know I’m not the only one
Who regrets the things they’ve done
Sometimes I just feel it’s only me
Who can’t stand the reflection that they see
I wish I could live a little more
Look up to the sky, not just the floor

I feel like my life is flashing by
And all I can do is watch and cry
I miss the air, I miss my friends
I miss my mother; I miss it when
Life was a party to be thrown
But that was a million years ago

When I walk around all of the streets
Where I grew up and found my feet
They can’t look me in the eye
It’s like they’re scared of me
I try to think of things to say
Like a joke or a memory
But they don’t recognize me now
In the light of day…

I know I’m not the only one
Who regrets the things they’ve done
Sometimes I just feel it’s only me
Who never became who they thought they’d be
I wish I could live a little more
Look up to the sky, not just the floor

Life was a party to be thrown
But that was a million years ago.

A million years ago!!!

Day 576

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Uncertainty

There is some black. There is some white.
There is a lot of grey.
This is where a lot of life happens.
I didn’t know or understand this when I was young but as I get older, I see it.

Grey area means – Indeterminate territory, undefined position, neither here nor there, halfway between the two… This term was coined in the mid 1900s. I am surprised it didn’t come about much earlier than that because uncertainty has been an essential part of life forever and will continue to be so. Forever.

John Allen Paulos says “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”

While I am pretty sure this train I am on will take me home, I cannot be absolutely certain. It might break down or there may be any number of other problems. But that’s ok. I am on it now. We’ll see what happens. I shall enjoy the lovely scenery and write this piece.

Being intolerant of uncertainty is a lot like having an allergy. If I am allergic to pollen for example, what happens when exposed to even a small amount of it? I sneeze and cough, and my eyes get red and teary. When people intolerant of uncertainty are exposed to it, they also have a strong reaction. They worry and do everything they can to get away from, avoid, or eliminate the uncertainty.

Sometimes that can be a big problem as it leads to a lot of time-consuming and tiring behaviours, causing major stress and anxiety. It is possible to learn to handle uncertainty and so worth doing.

“God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change.
Courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking the world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that all things will be right if I surrender to the Universe.”

– Serenity Prayer. (Modified)

Day 571

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Two things tend to greatly suffer in mental illness- creativity and human relationships. Sarah Wheeler believed this as she lived with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. She set out to create a space that was open-hearted, connecting, non-judgemental, creative and safe – The Dragon Cafe on Borough High Street in London. And it is exactly that – a little bit of heaven for those who’ve been in hell.

Sarah set up “Mental Fight club”. It’s mission is to put on imaginative events for people of all mental health experiences. Every event seeks to connect our inner and outer world and ourselves to one another, whoever we may be. It is no wonder that I intended to be there only for a couple of hours but ended up spending more than double that time, feeling totally relaxed and quite happy.

All visitors are called patrons. Each one is important. You don’t have to do anything. You may do some art, read poetry, dance, sit around and chat, drink tea, have some heavily subsidized, freshly cooked vegetarian food or have a nap on a bean-bag in the Quiet Room.
I will definitely be back there next Monday.

From our conversations it was clear that it is the focal point of many lives. It gives them hope, some thing to look forward to and a strong sense of acceptance and belonging. These are basic human needs that are so often unfulfilled.

Maybe mental illness is not a disease of the brain, but that of society.

This poem by Ben Okri is one of Sarah’s inspirations:

An illusion by which we can become
More real.
A moment unremarked by the Universe,
By nature, the seasons or stars.
Moment we have marked out
In timelessness.
Human moment.
Making a ritual, a drama, a tear
On eternity.
Domesticating the infinite.
Contemplating the quantum questions,
Time, death, new beginnings,
Regenerations, cycles, the unknown.

Day 569

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9-5, yesterday and today was spent teaching the Youth MHFA (Mental Health First Aid) course to nine lovely staff members at a school for children with hearing difficulties.

Each session evoked memories and emotions – confusing, happy and sad. But it was fun. We all laughed and learnt a lot. At the end each one shared one action they would take as a result of the course. They said:

    • I will prioritise listening to my students over all the other stuff I have to do.
    • I will make people aware of the stigma associated with Mental illness and work with them to develop a better understanding of it in the school.
    • I feel confident to ask someone if they are thinking of suicide.
    • I will not pre-judge
    • I will make time for others and try to understand them.

This was music to my ears. I felt like I had found some meaning out of utter and complete meaninglessness. I shared Saagar’s story and felt a deep connection with them. I had a smile on my face, tears in my eyes and my heart overflowed with love and gratitude.
This is how it must feel to be alive.