the now

Day 544

Posted by

0

Today was meant to be spent attending a conference all day. But something came over me and at very short notice I took on some work in the afternoon. While on my way into work I kept asking myself, why I did that. There was no need. I didn’t have to. In fact I felt quite silly but well, there was no going back. So, I settled down with the idea that it is just the way it was meant to be.

At work one of my patients turned out to be a friend of a friend. After a brief conversation, she told me that she knew of Saagar from our mutual friend. Even though we had never met before, I could tell from her eyes that she got it. She is mother to a young man too. She looked at Saagar’s picture and said, “He is an angel.”

At that moment I realised how much I needed to hear that. I have been thinking about all the wonderful things that have happened since Saagar’s sad and sudden passing. It is not a co-incidence that since then, many things that I wished deeply for have come true, my relationships with myself and with others are authentic as can be and in the midst of deep darkness, I have found immense love and kindness in and around me. I am certain he has everything to do with it. His gifts are everywhere. 

Some only dream of angels. I held one in my arms.

Day 542

Posted by

1

quote-the-river-that-flows-in-you-also-flows-in-me-kabir-68-70-27

Life happens in moments.
Those were just moments and so are these.
Mere moments.
While each one is fresh, it carries an essence of what went before.
While each one is new, it is coloured by the hues and shades of the past.
While each one pristine, it reflects the light coming from the horizon.
Each one absolute.
Each one complete.

Millions add up to a lifetime.
While a lifetime could be lived in one moment.
Like drops merge into the ocean,
The ocean also merges into a drop.

Wherever I am in time,
Is the entry point to the future
Where every moment will come one by one,
Never to return – immortal in itself.
Each one a gift, each one a present.

The sun is within me.
And the moon.
Each breath, a particle of divinity.
The truth lives
In the sound within me, secretly.

The tiniest house of time,
Is where life is happening.
Right here, right now. It’s your’s and mine.

Day 538

Posted by

1

8ea32f64f43eb7d8a8c8ed817162edb0

In my job I have the privilege of looking after some octagenarians and nonagenerians. They are my favourites. They seem to understand the meaning of hardship and are most grateful for the time and services they receive. I find the majority of them very gracious.

While browsing through a magazine I came across an article on Diana Armfield, an artist. She is 95 years old and I read with interest the lessons she has learnt from her rich and accomplished life.

Here I quote a few of them that resonated with me:

  1. Money isn’t as important as you think. Try to have enough but don’t set out to have lots because there is just no need. Enough is ‘enough’.
  2. Look after yourself. It’s important whatever your age. I do the exercises I am told to but it’s not easy – it’s so boring!
  3. Don’t question happiness when you find it. Pursue the things that interest you and take time to get to know yourself.
  4. Not everything needs to be ‘perfect’ in life. Anxiety has been a big problem for me. I’ve always panicked that unless I put 110% into things, they won’t work out. I used to worry constantly about ‘getting it right’ and it’s only now that I’m older I’ve realized things naturally tend to work out for the best. If you’re a worrier like me, it’s imperative to communicate your anxieties to your friends and family – they can almost always help.
  5. Make the most of everyday. Growing old is annoying because you need to ‘rest’ throughout the day. It means the day isn’t long enough to do all you want to do – so make the most of the uninterrupted days of youth while you can.

Now I think I need to get some ‘rest’. 😉

Day 535

Posted by

1

It was a year ago that I started back at work after 6 and half months of sitting and staring blankly at nothing in particular. I returned with much self-doubt and very low energy levels. It would be an understatement to say that the first few days were exhausting. It took everything I had to keep my focus on work. It was impossible to put my emotions aside for the briefest periods of time. I would walk around the hospital corridors with tears rolling down my cheeks. Every afternoon by 2 pm I needed to have a proper cry. Despite very supportive colleagues, the safest place was the loo. With fair regularity I fell into deep sleep on the train home and missed my station.

For many months I took on just the bare minimum amount of work that I could safely handle. Nothing extra. Slowly I gained in strength and confidence. I found I could do more.

Work gave structure to my days and weeks. It gave me a reason to get out of bed, make myself presentable and shoulder some responsibility. For part of the day I was forced to put my attention on other people’s problems. While it made no sense to be working, neither did anything else.

I am grateful for my job. It has kept me from completely falling apart. While there were times I felt I couldn’t manage it, I am glad I stuck with it. It made me feel useful. I still have mornings when getting out of bed seems like climbing Mount Everest. But I do. Just like the sun comes up every morning. I wonder how the world just goes on, like nothing happened!

Day 528

Posted by

1

IMG_2374

Everything is different.
Like it is after an earthquake.
Things that were solid are now rubble.
Others are buried underneath.
Some alive. Some dead.

Nothing is the same.
Things that mattered, don’t anymore.
Things that didn’t, make up my world.
Others neither matter, nor don’t.
Indifference comes easier than before.

All has changed.
Everything has shifted and moved.
Pictures have fallen off the walls.
Some doors have been jammed shut.
Never again to come ajar.

The ‘good old days’ have passed.
Forever.
But each morning is a chance
To make every day good and new.
For us. For now.

Time used to be just time.
Now it drags me around with it.
Beauty used to be just beautiful.
Now it leaves me feeling wretched.
Let’s somehow make it better.
Somehow.