“When do you think the illness started?” asked a close relative ”Was it when you and your husband separated?”

Wow! Just what I needed to hear. Thank God for the survival of political incorrectness. It is refreshing.

I really don’t know the answer to that question. Looking back, I think the early signs started showing sometime towards the end of his first year at University. As alluded to before, the lines between normal teenage behavior and early mental illness are very blurred. As per this research, also shared before, the structural changes in the brain can start to happen 10-12 years before the first symptoms:

http://www.ted.com/talks/thomas_insel_toward_a_new_understanding_of_mental_illness

Recovering from the shock of that question, I realized that this was a good opportunity to tackle 2 taboo subjects in one go. I decided to look at the co-relation between mental illness and children from broken homes. I found that the sensationalist press had articles declaring an incidence 5 times higher in ‘broken’ as opposed to ‘un-broken’ homes. The more educated publications such as the one below, although dated, gives a scientific opinion on the complex issue of causation with many different poorly understood factors playing a role:

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/broken-homes-broken-children/

I would have liked to search the literature more extensively but for the flimsy link with the world wide web.

‘Failed families’ was another term used in some studies that made me think of how we have a particular way of making people feel bad about themselves.

As for my feelings, well ….. more spilt milk. But, no more crying.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says, “The secret to happiness is in being without desires, and in focusing on how you can serve others. The more you serve, the more happiness you will get.” This morning I came up with one concrete idea on how I could make myself useful. I have just started working on it and I already feel happy.

I had a nagging feeling that the link did not come through properly. So here it is again. Couldn’t  risk it not getting through to you as it explains what it feels like to be depressed, very well.

Here it is again:

http://mindslikeours.org/2015/01/03/depression/

Sitting at a quiet spot away from the madness of cities and people, thinking back on my life and trying to dissect it seems like a pointless and silly thing to do. Yet, I am doing it. The topmost thought is the large amount of time I have spent doing the things that I thought I ‘have to’ do as opposed to the tiny amount of time spent on things that I ‘want to’ do.

One time I came back home after appearing for an exam and the moment I entered the door my son asked me – Did you win? 🙂

Living thousands of miles from home, working at least 9-11 hours per day, keeping awake all night nearly every 4^th night while on emergency duty, preparing for seriously competitive exams, picking him up from school as often as I could, making sure he’s getting fresh home-cooked meals everyday, going out somewhere nice together on weekends, helping him with home-work, and so on ….. meant that I was constantly pre-occupied, rushing around, sleep deprived and exhausted. That is the Mum he had from 5 to 12.

Did I have to make those choices? Was I subconsciously willing to sacrifice our happiness for manufactured ideals? Why was I unable to stop and reevaluate my priorities? Was it because many others were doing the same thing? Was it just ‘normal’? Was it ok because we were somehow managing?

I sit here looking at the waves lovingly erase the footsteps of all who walk past. No point dwelling on it too much. It is just life. I shift my focus to the horizon and appreciate the view. It is beautiful!

PS: Link of the day:  http://mindslikeours.org/2015/01/03/depression/

A 2 hour flight, an aborted train journey, an hour long wait in a pointless queue, some dodgy negotiations, a 15 hours long, hair-raising taxi ride with much confusion en-route, all adding up to 29 hours later, we reached our destination. The sun was well on its way down, drawing shimmering pinkish pictures in the sky and the ocean. The waves were splashing playfully, singing in baritone and entertaining one and all. The moon was nearly as round as the sun, sitting face to face with it across the skies. The warmth in the breeze was washing all the tiredness away from every cell of my body while bringing comfort to my being. I felt so fortunate to be a witness to this miracle, this dream, this mystery, this life.

This brought back to mind

these lines by Rhydian ‘I won’t let you walk alone’ –

‘As the miles go by, as the days unfold

As the trails of dust turn into gold

As clouds of darkness become rays of light

I’ll be by your side.’

 Yes darling. I know. 🙂