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Day 696

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It started off very well. The young lady who looked like she had just walked out of a Boney M album gave us a nice little warm-up. I felt excited about the walk, having never done this kind of a distance before (50K). I didn’t know what to expect. Having so much time to think can open up all kinds of channels in the brain. So, I knew I had to watch myself which I did.

The first 30 kilo meters were easy despite the constant light drizzle interrupted by heavy showers a few times. At the very start we decided to not worry about the timing as we wanted this to be a pleasant and peaceful day. A few people asked us about Saagar whose picture they noticed hanging off our back-packs. They told us about their mum with dementia or their sister with cancer or their soldier husband with PTSD and so on. We shared our stories and derived comfort from each other. It made me marvel at the voluntary sector in this country and what a good job they do. I could see that in the field of Suicide Prevention too, the commitment of concerned charities is incredible. I felt great that I could help in some way. I also knew that my friends and family were thinking of us and derived strength from that.

Soon after the 30K point, the ground turned from a springy green grassy surface to a quagmire of mud. We had to place our feet on the slippery uneven path very carefully knowing that if we fell down, we possibly won’t be able to get up. It really slowed us down and greatly increased the tension in our legs.

Luckily around this time the rain stopped, the skies cleared up and we entered the serenity of the twilight zone. The legs by now were starting to complain but were still manageable. Annoyingly, some of the runners who had started their 100K run a couple of hours before us were now passing us.

The last 5 kilometers.
They were the test. They took me to the brink of my endurance.
Physical and emotional.
One pain making the other worse.
I so wanted to keep it together till we got to the end. If I would have stopped, I am not sure I could have re-started. The tears came right up to the eyes and one or two escaped into the darkness. Others just sat there and did not spill. They sat there looking at the parallel: finding myself in an impossible situation and yet somehow carrying on despite how I feel. The whole range of emotions from the last two years traversed through me in those last 2 hours.

I hung on to Si’s hand and kept walking funny/limping/hobbling. I am sure his left arm is marginally lengthier than the right one now.

By the time we reached the finish line, I was numb. I felt nothing.
We sat down and a lovely young man came up to us and asked about Saagar and then the dam burst open. It was long overdue. It was time.

Would I do this again?
Yes.
“I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.”
― John Muir

Day 695

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photo

Wow! That was something.

50 K without much practice and with a few pre-existing issues in the right ankle and lower back for me and healing blisters from the last walk for Si.

It drizzled most of the day with no sunny spells and a few heavy showers. But around 5.30 pm it completely cleared up and we had a blissful walk in the twilight. The river and the life in and around it were making their sweet sounds, often unheard in London. More than half the moon was shining on us and soothing our aching legs. The last 5 kilometers were excruciating! Breathe in-2-3-4. Out-2-3-4. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Paracetamol. Electrolyte water. Massage. Stretch. Sit. We had the best jacket potato with cheese for lunch. Met some lovely people. Shared stories. Reminded myself – one foot in front of the other. Si walked beside me holding my hand. At times bearing some of my weight through that hand! 

Feeling the legs a lot! Exhausted!
Hobbling but happy!

Ps: Thank you!!!

Day 694

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Last Friday morning I was struck by a young lady I met at work. She was perfectly healthy but was in hospital to donate her eggs. It meant she would have to undergo the risk of an anaesthetic and a minor surgery. But this would make it possible for another couple, unknown to her, to have a baby. There was nothing in it for her – no money or recognition. I asked her what her motivation was. She said, “I do it because I can.”

I instantly saw her humanity shine through. I have always believed that it is in our true nature to help each other in whatever way we can. When asked, we are more than happy to help in whatever way we can. When I was convinced that I could not survive Saagar’s death, many acquaintances and strangers who reached out and helped. Many didn’t have to but they did.

Saagar’s friends have run half marathons, hosted open-mike nights, golf events and walked many miles to help raise awareness about suicide prevention. This is their opportunity to make their humanity shine and bring more light to this planet.

What can I do? I can walk. So, I am walking 50 K tomorrow to mark the World Suicide Prevention Day. It should help raise funds to create more resources for young people in distress. I hope to meet many new people and chat with them about Saagar. I shall carry his picture with me for everyone to see. I am really good at showing him off.

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Sangeeta-Mahajan5

For the first time in my life I will also participate in something called ‘The Thunderclap’ – Talk Through the Taboo.

https://www.thunderclap.it/en/projects/45805-talk-through-the-taboo

Just a few things you could join me in. Thank you very much!!!

Day 693

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This morning I spent an hour and a half at the Parliament Square with other enthusiastic, proactive, dedicated , men and women of all age groups who are passionate about talking about suicide and bringing it into everyone’s awareness so that it stops being a taboo subject.

A new YouGov survey commissioned by national charity PAPYRUS Prevention of Young Suicide reveals 78% of those surveyed did not know that suicide is the leading killer of our young people. The nation needs to wake up to the reality before more young lives are lost.

People do not realise how major this issue is. We need to raise this level of awareness and enable people to be more comfortable with the idea that they too can help to prevent suicide.

When asked what stops people from asking a distressed friend or relative about their suicidal thoughts, the main reason given was the fear of putting the idea of suicide into a person’s head.

“All the evidence shows that naming suicide is a relief for the person at risk and that we cannot create the idea by talking about suicide”, stresses Ged Flynn. “I cannot emphasise more strongly that asking about destructive feelings, talking about suicide, does not make it more likely to happen. It can, and often does, reduce the risk of suicide. Talking about suicide can seem scary but silence and stigma are killing young people. Many young people feel isolated with thoughts of suicide. People can start today by supporting our #TalkThroughTheTaboo campaign – it could save a young life.”

What would stop someone from speaking out about their destructive thoughts? That they would not wish to worry anyone (31%) or felt they would be letting people down (26%). Stigma is a barrier to seeking help.

Andy’s Man club is an inspiring new movement started by Luke. His main message is – “It’s ok to talk.” (http://www.totalrl.com/feature-andys-man-club-incredible-concept-telling-men-itsokaytotalk/). I felt strong standing there with these people, knowing that through the pain and tears, I make a difference.

When great trees fall

When great trees fall,
rocks on distant hills shudder,
lions hunker down
in tall grasses,
and even elephants
lumber after safety.

When great trees fall
in forests,
small things recoil into silence,
their senses
eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die,
the air around us becomes
light, rare, sterile.
We breathe, briefly.
Our eyes, briefly,
see with
a hurtful clarity.
Our memory, suddenly sharpened,
examines,
gnaws on kind words
unsaid,
promised walks
never taken.

Great souls die and
our reality, bound to
them, takes leave of us.
Our souls,
dependent upon their
nurture,
now shrink, wizened.
Our minds, formed
and informed by their
radiance,
fall away.
We are not so much maddened
as reduced to the unutterable ignorance
of
dark, cold
caves.

And when great souls die,
after a period peace blooms,
slowly and always
irregularly. Spaces fill
with a kind of
soothing electric vibration.
Our senses, restored, never
to be the same, whisper to us.
They existed. They existed.
We can be. Be and be
better. For they existed.

-Maya Angelou

Day 692

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The missed appointment at the vet.
Another petty lost bet.
The drive past the crematorium.
Why? Why? Why? The pandemonium!
The young woman’s dip-dyed blue hair.
Neither here, nor there.
The overdue car insurance.
Repeated calls testing endurance.
The warm beer cans.
The rude drivers of white vans.
The empty ice-cold ice tray.
Wish the guests would stay!
The man leaving the ‘ladies’.
The misplaced car keys.
The delayed train, again.
The inside out umbrella in the windy rain.
The missed medications.
The fudged calculations.
The purply-pink figs with white patches
The rot comes from nowhere and catches
The avocado bruised blackened.
The skin on me somewhat slackened.
The sweet man-boy.
His rusted old toy.
A necklace with a broken latch.
An ear-ring without its other match.
A letter returned in the post.
To the young dead, a toast!