26 of us met up for dinner today: 12 of his friends, 6 of his friend’s parents, 6 of our friends and the 2 of us. It was like a big family and we felt really close having been brought together by him, his memory, his laughter and his love for all of us. A few people could not come. When I was planning this evening, I thought I had an idea why but in fact I didn’t. It feels like we all know we are headed somewhere but none of us has been on this road before. We don’t know where it is taking us but we are in it together.

Today was my first full day back home and it was spent getting things back in order and doing some cleaning and unpacking. I enjoyed listening to Radio 4 again – ‘old people’s radio station’ is what he liked to call it. Some effort went into not going to his room as I wasn’t sure I was ready for it.

Tomorrow morning I know I will be ready because I am not alone. I have all these lovely friends with me. Seeing them today has made me feel strong and very close to him. Nothing can take him away from the place that he has made for himself in our hearts. Not even death.

After a 21 hour journey back home I am jet lagged and exhausted. Sitting down for dinner at a local French restaurant which my son and I frequently visited, I miss him. The Arabic being spoken in the aeroplane reminded me of him and the French menu here reminds me of him. This road, this roundabout, this shop, this bus-stand, this hair dressing studio, this house, these curtains that we put up together – everything! I am aware that everything is going to bring him back to my mind for the next few weeks or may be for much longer. I am going to miss him with lots and lots of love and gratitude. So much so that the latter two outweigh the pain of missing him. He is right here in my heart. I just have to close my eyes to see him.

I need to keep a smile on my face even if there is a tear in my eye, be happy despite the underlying sadness, make progress in small steps even though a part of me does not want to move, be in the present despite my mind taking me back again and again, be grateful for life and all its facets.

Witness, observe, breathe and be.

Knowing is good,
Living is better,
Being is perfect.
-Sri Aurobindo

Rummaging through an old storage cabinet with me, looking for a particular piece of clothing, a very dear and close relative came across her wedding sari this morning and requested in passing, ”Wrap me up in this when I go.”

Oh my God! It was like being hit by an enormous and powerful wave. For a few seconds I could not catch my breath and felt like I was about to drown. Before I knew it I was breaking down into a heap of anguish, unconsolably back to square one! She suddenly realised this was happening and apologised profusely even though it wasn’t her fault. She was only conveying her wish to me. We hugged for a long time.

Thankfully, not before long I was back to ‘normal’. Once it was done, it was done. I left it there and proceeded to have a very relaxed day.

On the recommendation of one of my blogger friends I bought a book called ‘Night Falls Fast’ by Kay Redfield Jamison. It is an authoritative study of suicide. I read the last chapter first as it was for ‘those left behind’ and it was a relief. It validated everything I have thought and felt. It answered some of my questions too. Thank you my friend!!!

……Time does not heal,
It makes a half-stitched scar
That can be broken
And again you feel grief,
As total as in it’s first hour.

-Elizabeth Jennings.