12 weeks today! Thursday again.

All those years ago, after we brought him home from the hospital as a newborn babe, I remember being worried about the most bizarre of possibilities for about 6 months. May be the hospital staff had made an error and swapped babies as happens in films. They might come back to take this one away and give me another one that was actually ‘ours’. This doubt arose from the fact that I could not believe how beautiful and adorable this baby was. What would I do if that happened? Would I be forced to give him up? Would I be able to feel the same way about the new baby? How would I manage?

Now, I feel so fortunate that this golden child was mine to cherish for so many years.

Our move to London when he was 12 came about due to a promotion for me. He had already spent a year in secondary school where he was thriving and hence, was not too happy about the move. It was a big culture shock after Belfast – from a big village to the “Big smoke”. I remember someone saying – so you are going from being a rich doctor to a poor nobody. That was pretty accurate but I was excited about my new post and believed that London would be better for us as individuals and as a family in the long run.

He settled in well at his new school, which was much more diverse and stimulating. Sports, academics, drama, social interaction, he loved it all. The only complaint he had was that there were no girls. ;-). Despite being in a very accepting and open environment, he was aware of his ethnicity. His way of dealing with the difference was to be funny and self-deprecating, possibly due to the Irish influence from previous years.

Out of curiosity I looked up the correlation between mental illness and ethnic minorities and found some interesting facts summarised in these 2 articles:

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/sites/default/files/TTC_Final%20Report_ETHNOS_summary_0.pdf –

http://www.communitycare.co.uk/2011/04/05/ethnic-minorities-still-over-represented-in-mental-healthcare/ –

He spent one third of his life in India, one third in Northern Ireland (NI) and the last third in London. He was 6 when we moved to NI and he was one of very few colored children in the local primary school. But, he was happy, coping very well with his school work and having good friendships. I remember he mentioned that his best friend always stood up for him when other kids tried to bother him. One day out of the blue he asked me if I could change his original Indian name to Alan. I laughed it off at the time but now I can see how different he must have felt.

One Sunday morning, after nearly a year of being in the school, he casually mentioned that some girls in his class refused to sit beside him because they thought he was dirty. The next day I went to see his teacher who completely denied the existence of any such issues. Despite my insistence, she remained in denial. Thereafter I made an appointment to see the Principal whose attitude was pretty much the same.

Here is an article that very clearly lays out the bi-directional relationship between bullying and mental health on page 13. It deals with the subject in more detail in the next few pages.

http://www.anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/media/5436/Mental-health-and-bullying-module-FINAL.pdf

We as parents need to be watchful of our own behavior and that of our kids as children learn more from our attitudes and actions than our words. Here is a related story:

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/your-stories/the-truth-about-bullying-and-mental-health/ –

Well, it’s all done and dusted now. He is not coming back no matter how back and forth my thoughts take me.

However, this world is yours and mine, these kids are yours and mine and their well being is yours and mine.

“When do you think the illness started?” asked a close relative ”Was it when you and your husband separated?”

Wow! Just what I needed to hear. Thank God for the survival of political incorrectness. It is refreshing.

I really don’t know the answer to that question. Looking back, I think the early signs started showing sometime towards the end of his first year at University. As alluded to before, the lines between normal teenage behavior and early mental illness are very blurred. As per this research, also shared before, the structural changes in the brain can start to happen 10-12 years before the first symptoms:

http://www.ted.com/talks/thomas_insel_toward_a_new_understanding_of_mental_illness

Recovering from the shock of that question, I realized that this was a good opportunity to tackle 2 taboo subjects in one go. I decided to look at the co-relation between mental illness and children from broken homes. I found that the sensationalist press had articles declaring an incidence 5 times higher in ‘broken’ as opposed to ‘un-broken’ homes. The more educated publications such as the one below, although dated, gives a scientific opinion on the complex issue of causation with many different poorly understood factors playing a role:

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/broken-homes-broken-children/

I would have liked to search the literature more extensively but for the flimsy link with the world wide web.

‘Failed families’ was another term used in some studies that made me think of how we have a particular way of making people feel bad about themselves.

As for my feelings, well ….. more spilt milk. But, no more crying.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says, “The secret to happiness is in being without desires, and in focusing on how you can serve others. The more you serve, the more happiness you will get.” This morning I came up with one concrete idea on how I could make myself useful. I have just started working on it and I already feel happy.

I had a nagging feeling that the link did not come through properly. So here it is again. Couldn’t  risk it not getting through to you as it explains what it feels like to be depressed, very well.

Here it is again:

http://mindslikeours.org/2015/01/03/depression/

Sitting at a quiet spot away from the madness of cities and people, thinking back on my life and trying to dissect it seems like a pointless and silly thing to do. Yet, I am doing it. The topmost thought is the large amount of time I have spent doing the things that I thought I ‘have to’ do as opposed to the tiny amount of time spent on things that I ‘want to’ do.

One time I came back home after appearing for an exam and the moment I entered the door my son asked me – Did you win? 🙂

Living thousands of miles from home, working at least 9-11 hours per day, keeping awake all night nearly every 4^th night while on emergency duty, preparing for seriously competitive exams, picking him up from school as often as I could, making sure he’s getting fresh home-cooked meals everyday, going out somewhere nice together on weekends, helping him with home-work, and so on ….. meant that I was constantly pre-occupied, rushing around, sleep deprived and exhausted. That is the Mum he had from 5 to 12.

Did I have to make those choices? Was I subconsciously willing to sacrifice our happiness for manufactured ideals? Why was I unable to stop and reevaluate my priorities? Was it because many others were doing the same thing? Was it just ‘normal’? Was it ok because we were somehow managing?

I sit here looking at the waves lovingly erase the footsteps of all who walk past. No point dwelling on it too much. It is just life. I shift my focus to the horizon and appreciate the view. It is beautiful!

PS: Link of the day:  http://mindslikeours.org/2015/01/03/depression/