compassion

Day 451

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450 days sound like a lot of days.
15 months.
One and a quarter year.

It’s a myth.
Time does not heal.

At the blues concert this evening, I looked at the drummer and intensely missed Saagar. I could just picture him sitting there playing the drums, as I had seen him do many a times. What would he have thought of this music, this drummer, this band, this venue, these people, this atmosphere? I just wanted to have him next to me. It is still not fathomable that he is not here. How can that be?

Will I ever be able to enjoy anything anymore without these thoughts? Will anything ever be whole and complete in itself?

Si stretched out his hands and held mine. He looked at me and smiled. We had a lovely evening. He gets me. He has patience with me. He talks to me. He helps me put one foot in front of the other everyday in many different ways – by making me lots of tea, by making me go to the gym, by making sure we eat well and get enough rest, by making me laugh, by letting me cry as much and as often as I like, by walking with me every step of the way with love and understanding.

What we call ‘support’ is in fact love. It has come to me in the shape of friends (virtual and real), family, SOBS(Support group for survivors of bereavement by suicide), hugs, e-mails, messages, letters and cards. I have never needed as much support as I have done over the past 15 months. I don’t think I would have survived without all this love. Thank you very much!

Love heals.

Day 447

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Anthony Murr, a man in his 40s phoned the Samaritans but put the phone down before the phone was answered. He feared they would think he was a weirdo. He believed there was no way out of the darkness he found himself in. He had nearly given up all hope. A while later he phoned them again and someone answered the phone quicker than he expected. Initially the conversation was difficult but once he got going, he spoke as though a damn had been broken. He spoke about all the problems that had been going round and round his head for months and making his life unbearable. He figured out the things he needed to do for himself and turned his life around. In his own words, today his life is ‘bloody marvellous’.

It is possible to release ourselves from the trap of depression. We need to know how to ask for help and where to go. Help is available. Anyone, from any walk of life, of any age group, of any gender, race or sexual orientation can feel suicidal at any time. They can loose hope. If they can get through those crucial minutes and hours with some help, they can find hope again. They can find a reason for living.

This film ‘U can cope’ tells three beautiful stories of survivors:
http://www.connectingwithpeople.org/ucancope
Samaritans new free phone number in the UK: 116123
e-mail: jo@samaritans.org
Write a letter:
Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK, PO Box 9090, STIRLING, FK8 2SA
Or visit your local branch which you can find on http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

They are there for us to call them anytime for a chat. It doesn’t have to be the last resort. We all need help sometimes. It’s ok to ask.

Day 446

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This Crippling Cruel Cursed Common cold has completely flattened me.

Is it a co-incidence that it has come near the end of this lovely 2 and a half week holiday? Or is it most natural at this time when I feel a deep resistance to leaving home? I am now leaving one home for another, writing this blog on the plane while topped up with paracetamol, slipping in and out of sleep, in between bouts of sneezing and cups of tea, keeping a wad of tissues handy and intermittently smelling my mother’s white cotton handkerchief dabbed  with eucalyptus oil.

The fever and body ache somehow bring emotions closer to the surface. They make me feel fragile. Bidding farewell to my family has been harder than usual. But I am grateful to have had the chance to hug them as I bid goodbye.

With Saagar that didn’t happen.
No hugs. No kisses. No tears.
No ‘Bye darling’.
No ‘See you later’.
Nothing.

That rude severance, sudden departure, quiet exit has left me utterly and desperately incomplete … as if in suspended animation, hanging in mid-air, like an unfinished sentence…
Is there any way to completion now?
Is there any such thing as a complete story, a complete life?

Each journey is individual and unique. People come and go as and when they please. I suppose it is wonderful that they choose to walk with me for as long as they do. Sometimes we only realise how much we love someone after they leave us. Too late! If only we could show our love and appreciation for our dear ones while they are still here with us…

Day 443

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Lately it’s been all about “Happy New Year!”

Lots of happy and unhappy people have been wishing ‘happiness’ to other happy and unhappy people. It is the perpetual pursuit, the ultimate blessing, the prime and often illusive objective, the much misunderstood ‘emotion’, the birth right of every being.

Numerous books have been written on the subject. Many enlightened souls have claimed knowledge of the secret short-cut to this popular and seemingly distant destination.

What is this thing? What does it look like? Where should I start the search for it? How do I go about it? Even if I find it, how long do I get to keep it? Is it possible to hold on to it for as long as I like? Can someone else give it to me? Will someone take it away again? Could I be forced to give it up? Once lost, is it retrievable? Is it always the same or does it change? Is it gradable – mild, moderate, severe?

It is different things for different people I guess. For me it means being in an unruffled and unrufflable state. Being ok within myself. Being in a state of gratitude. Being in a state of abundance. Knowing that I am and will be well taken care of by Mother Nature. I am aware that when the judgemental section of my head decides to rule over my heart, I am heading towards an unhappy state. I am also aware that when I get caught up in the feelings of my near and dear ones and try to fix it for them, it is a recipe for disaster.

My happiness lies within me and is always available to me.
I just need to choose to access it more often. Every moment.
My wish for you is that you may choose to access your happiness that lies within you every moment of everyday.

 

Day 442

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“Look at yourself.
Look at yourself real close.
Think of all that you’ve been through.
All the tears you’ve cried.
All the hurt you’ve felt.
All the times you thought you couldn’t handle it anymore.
Look how far you’ve come.
How strong you are today.
How brave and beautiful you are.
Smile.
You’re stronger than you think.
You’re one amazing person.
Know that.
Tell yourself.
Believe it.”

Reading these lines on facebook, eased the tension in my muscles. It was just what I needed. If someone would have said the same thing to me I wouldn’t have believed it but reading these words, sitting all by myself in complete silence was the best thing that happened today. It gave me a new lens through which I can look at myself in a different way. Now I can take a break from the usual self-admonishing lens that has been burning holes through me over the past 15 and a half months. I am aware of how frayed the fabric of my life is as a result.

I did smile, even if it was a little faded. I remembered the time, a long time ago when every morning I used to give myself a real big smile in the mirror. I know it sounds goofy but it felt great and was a lovely way to start the day.

May be it’s time for me to acknowledge myself for the triumph of getting through each hour of each day, equipped with an amputated heart which, unlike an amputated limb is not visible to anyone but me.