compassion

Day 549

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Things I wish I knew

I could write a book on the things I wish I had known.
I know a few of them now but he’s already gone.
I wish I ‘d known that self-destructive, suicidal thoughts can come to anyone, at anytime, irrespective of how good-looking, clever or wealthy they are or what race, religion, sex or profession they belong to.

I wish I knew that suicide claims the precious lives of many a young men every year.
I wish I knew how difficult it is for those having these treacherous thoughts to talk about them and ask for help.
I wish I knew the accompanying shame and guilt as though it was their own fault.

I wish I knew how unwell he was.
I wish I could see his soul invisibly bleeding to death.
I wish his doctors could see it.
I wish his pills had been the right ones for him.

I wish someone had told me the warning signs to watch out for and recognise ‘crisis’ when it happened.
I wish I knew how to read into his desperation and help him open up, feeling safe.
I wish I knew how to break through the wall of silence that surrounded him.

I wish I knew that he meant ‘suicidal thoughts’ when he said ‘random thoughts’.
I wish I understood his pain and confusion.
I wish I knew that despite having the world at his feet he secretly wanted to escape from it.

I wish that I knew that even though he was my darling son only 20, he could die.

Most of all I wish I knew how to think and talk about suicide.

Day 546

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Today was a Thursday in the middle of this month. On another Thursday in the middle of October, a year and a half ago, Saagar said he ‘can’t take this anymore.’

Today we held a vigil at Hyde Park in the memory of Saagar and others like him – those who wouldn’t believe how precious they are and those who lost all hope. It was the second one of its kind. Not all of us knew each other but in a strange way we did. We all came with pictures of our loved ones and placed them in the centre of a circle we formed around them. We lit candles in their memory. We thought of them with love as the sun went into hiding.

The wind blew at 10 miles an hour as predicted by the weatherman. Some candles stay lit and others were blown out by it. I caught myself saying, ”We’ll keep them going for as long as we can.” Symbolic? A little later, someone said “ It’s not always the wind, some lamps stop burning because the oil in them is finished.” How true.

The silence we shared was most profound. Tears fell. Lots of them. Some silently. Some mini-storms.

Saagar’s friends were there – 8 of them. His best friend, H announced that he had never sung in public before but Saagar always encouraged him to. So, this was his first time, singing and strumming his guitar in front of a gathering of people. He sang soulfully. The music was once again, connecting us all with each other and with nature. It allowed the feelings to flow. “Tears in heaven” and “Wish you were here” were super hits.

There were a lot of hugs. Every time his friends and I hugged, I felt his presence. They hugged me and the part of me that is him. I hugged them and the part of them that is him. Some of the pain eased. We found some healing.

 

Day 544

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Today was meant to be spent attending a conference all day. But something came over me and at very short notice I took on some work in the afternoon. While on my way into work I kept asking myself, why I did that. There was no need. I didn’t have to. In fact I felt quite silly but well, there was no going back. So, I settled down with the idea that it is just the way it was meant to be.

At work one of my patients turned out to be a friend of a friend. After a brief conversation, she told me that she knew of Saagar from our mutual friend. Even though we had never met before, I could tell from her eyes that she got it. She is mother to a young man too. She looked at Saagar’s picture and said, “He is an angel.”

At that moment I realised how much I needed to hear that. I have been thinking about all the wonderful things that have happened since Saagar’s sad and sudden passing. It is not a co-incidence that since then, many things that I wished deeply for have come true, my relationships with myself and with others are authentic as can be and in the midst of deep darkness, I have found immense love and kindness in and around me. I am certain he has everything to do with it. His gifts are everywhere. 

Some only dream of angels. I held one in my arms.

Day 537

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In his TED talk, “Depression is a disease of civilisation” says Professor Stephen Ilardi who has been a clinical researcher in the field of depression for the last 20 years. He compares our modern lifestyle with that of ancient tribes which have as much as 200 times lower incidence of depression.

Research shows that the incidence of depression continues to go up with every subsequent generation because we humans are not designed for sedentary, indoor, socially isolated, fast food laden, sleep deprived, frenzied pace of modern life. He believes that like diabetes, atherosclerosis, obesity, and asthma, depression is a modern inflammatory disorder originating from highly unnatural and stressful ways of living.

His team has come up with 6 ways to tame the stress response and they call it Therapeutic Lifestyle Change (TLC) :

  1. Exercise
  2. Sunlight
  3. Omega-3 Fatty acids
  4. Anti-ruminative activity
  5. Healthy sleep
  6. Social connections

He emphasises that exercise is medicine as it stimulates dopamine and serotonin signaling thus having antidepressive and anti-ageing effects as well as increasing mental sharpness. 30 minutes of brisk walking with a friend per week is recommended as a very effective “low dose” therapeutic intervention.

Rumination is a hallmark of depression and it ramps up the brain’s stress response. It is most likely to take place when we are alone and idle. He recommends 3 steps to handle it – to notice it, to decide to step out of it and thereafter to redirect our attention to something like a shared activity (as opposed to a conversation which can often reinforce rumination), a solo activity such as playing a musical instrument, writing our thoughts down for about 10 minutes or going for a nature walk thus changing our context to prime other thoughts.

As it happens, in a moment of great inspiration I signed up to a 50 kms walk along a scenic route by the river Thames on the 10th of September 2016 which happens to be the International Suicide Prevention day. Last year four of us walked 25 kms and raised about 3000 pounds. This year we are 3 in our team so far. I look forward to raising some awareness about suicide related issues and in the process raising funds for Papyrus. It should be fun.

 

 

 

Day 530

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Self-harm. What can we do?

Well, the most important thing is to keep one’s prejudices aside. It is also the most difficult. Ask them how they feel and listen with empathy.

Put no blame on them so they don’t feel guilty about it. Respond as calmly as you can and try not to appear shocked or angry. Don’t be dismissive. Self-harm could be an important warning sign.
Perform first aid and accompany the person to A&E or the GP as appropriate.
Ask directly about suicidal thoughts.
If they share thoughts of suicide, continue listening and ask open-ended questions.
Stay with them.
Reassure them.
Tell them about the treatments and support available such as school nurses and CAMHS for the young and clinical psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors in general.

Introduce them to ways in which they can help themselves: relevant books and websites; keeping a mood diary to monitor thoughts and feelings; regular exercise and healthy eating; reducing caffeine; getting support from friends and family; identifying enjoyable activities and finding ways of spending time doing those; identifying local support groups and addressing underlying mental health problems.

Saagar’s discharge letter from psychiatric services said – “No history of self harm.” They were wrong. On questioning they said that it was because he had never presented to A&E having harmed himself. But that is not a criterion. I don’t know if he was ever specifically asked about it or whether he misled them. He had prominent burn marks on his left forearm that could easily be picked up by trained eyes. When I asked him about it he made up a story to assuage my worries and made nothing of it.

I didn’t pick up the seriousness of it and sadly, we never spoke about it.