death

Day 699

Posted by

3

Remember me

Remember me when I am gone away
Gone far away into the silent land
When you can no more hold me by the hand
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned
Only remember me, you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

– Christina Rosetti

You are never gone too far away to be forgotten.
The beauty of your soul fills me with inspiration.
It is never too late for love and prayers.
For hope and kindness to dispel despairs.
One day grief and love together will stay
Without me pushing either of them away.
Learn to smile through tears I will.
The joy you brought stays with me still.
And always will.

-Me.

Day 689

Posted by

2

What does life want from me?
Now, after all this, what do I want from life?

When I was 20 something I thought that most 50 year olds had the answer to those questions. Ha! I look around and find many others my age in a similar place.

A journalist once asked Mahatma Gandhi what his message was and he replied, “My life is my message.”

I suppose life just wants us to live as joyfully and meaningfully as we can. At present it feels as though the orchestra is playing and the dance floor is ready and I am standing at the edge, listening but completely dumb-founded and frozen.

Is it my ‘ego’ that keeps me feeling this way or is it natural? Am I capable of turning this around? What does that even mean? What would that look like? I think I am doing my best but am I really? There is no yardstick. There are no comparisons. Whatever the question, the answer is love. Being with love, being in love and being love.

photo (6)

Day 680

Posted by

0

525449442_ea2ec11bf8_b

“In a dream you saw a way to survive and you were full of joy.” This is the title of an exhibition inspired by the power of the horizontal. It also reflects the current of thoughts and wishes that flows through my head at all times, not just while dreaming but also when wide awake, living a ‘normal’ life.

images

Yes. I have felt that power – sleeping, working, mourning. I have surrendered to gravity without much resistance lately. In fact sometimes I am completely unable to overcome it. Of late the desire for the horizontal state has been rather overpowering. Getting my head off the pillow in the mornings is challenging even though lying awake in bed can be worse. On occasions I have taken refuge of the duvet for many more hours than required and found it to be The Great Escape, slipping in and out of slumber, completely giving in to inertia.

Death by duvet. I am so entitled to it.

images-1

(Ref: http://www.whitworth.manchester.ac.uk/whats-on/exhibitions/upcomingexhibitions/elizabethpricecurates/)

 

Day 677

Posted by

0

18_kreym

Dirge

Death alone
has sympathy for weariness:
understanding
of the ways
of mathematics:
of the struggle
against giving up what was given:
the plus one minus one
of nitrogen for oxygen:
and the unequal odds,
you a cell
against the universe,
a breath or two
against all time:
Death alone
takes what is left
without protest, criticism
or a demand for more
than one can give
who can give
no more than was given:
doesn’t even ask,
but accepts it as it is,
without examination,
valuation,
or comparison.

-By Alfred Kreymborg

Day675

Posted by

2

It was on the 21st of August two years ago that Saagar was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder by an Honorary Consultant Psychiatrist. He was the only one in the family who was informed of it. I wonder how it made him feel. I wonder if he felt weird, confused, traumatised or all of the above. I wonder if it made him question who he was and what this means in terms of his future. I wonder what it did to his self-esteem and confidence. I bet it was scary. I am sure he looked it up on the net. He handled it very well. He made no big deal of it. He took his medicines, did not drink or go out too much, he waited patiently for the medicines to work and they did. He got better for a bit but then…

In 8 weeks time he will be dead. I didn’t know it then. I know it now and it kills me.

I bring myself back to this moment over and over again. Right now, I am chopping tomatoes. Right now, I am walking up the stairs. At this moment I am writing this blog. Right now I am folding towels. Right this moment I am watching the flickering flame of the candle in front of his picture. At present I am sitting here loving him with all my heart. At this present moment I am feeling sad for all the suffering he endured and I am admiring his dignity, strength and courage.

Right now I can see that this present moment is inevitable. It is here in front of me and all I can do is honour it.