feelings

Day 891

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Top-notch lawyers, world famous comedians, glamorous musicians, householders, super-talented actors, mental health experts, nurses, educational psychologists, teachers, doctors, secretaries, students, the homeless and ordinary folk like you and me have been lost to suicide or have lost someone they love to it. Sadly, no one is immune.

By definition ‘vigil’ means an act of staying awake especially at night in order to be with a person who is very ill or dying or to make a protest, or to pray.  This will be the third vigil of its kind – an informal gathering of people coming together in a public place, to express love for those who have tragically departed, to cherish their memories, to sing and reflect, to enjoy being in the open on a spring evening with their thoughts and feelings.

Venue: Near the café at Hyde Park, Speaker’s corner. London
(Nearest Tube station: Marble Arch)
Date:  Thursday, 6th April 2017.
Time: 6.30 pm.

Please come along and bring a picture, a song, a memory, a candle, a wish, a blessing, a prayer, a poem, a refection, your silence or tears. Join up with those who understand – Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS).
You are not alone.

Ref:
SOBS: http://uk-sobs.org.uk/

Map: https://www.google.co.uk/maps/place/Speakers’+Corner/@51.5118942,-0.1593661,15z/data=!4m5!3m4!1s0x0:0x9f5b6cc453d910f4!8m2!3d51.5118942!4d-0.1593661

Day 879

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After 3 years of no singing, last week I recorded 3 tracks of devotional music with a friend. I sent across one of them on whatsapp to all my family in India. I got a few ‘wow’s and emojis of an applause and a rose and such. My mum called to say it was nice. Yesterday my 8 years old niece spoke to me about it. She said, ”I didn’t know it was you. Mamma told me. It was like you were singing for God. It made me feel relaxed and sleepy. It was like a lullaby.” That was the most honest and descriptive feedback I had. She shared how it made her feel rather than how good or bad it was.

Judgements come from the head and feelings come from the heart. That the music made her feel a particular way, that she didn’t just hear it but felt it, that she could verbalise it as well as she did was remarkable.

The purity and sweetness of the innocence of childhood is one of the most precious things in this world.

Saagar couldn’t wait to grow up!

Scan 9

 

Day 876

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The second year I thought was harder than the first. Now, I think this year is harder than the second. As time goes by, the finality of death slaps me harder in the face. It becomes clearer that this is it. “Deal with it. Despite all the help and love in the world, you have to do this on your own for the rest of your life” says the merciless voice in my head, “You will never see him again. Get used to it.”

Each breath strings up a bunch of moments together and one by one they slip and slide away. On some days the seemingly humungous task of getting from the front door of the house to the car takes forever. At other times, hours fly by like weightless nebulous clouds on wings. Seconds linger like sumo wrestlers battling with sleep, yet a week can be gone in a flash.

Red-hot intensity of grief starts to tire and turns to ashes of resignation. Questions know they are unanswerable and yet they incessantly repeat their customary laps round and round the velodrome of headspace. Like a stubborn arrogant squatter, guilt refuses to pack its bags and evict this cold, dilapidated building.

What is better? What is worse?
What is the truth?
Who makes that judgement?
The witness?
Or the witness of the witness?

Day 872

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Alone with Everybody  – by Charles Bukowski

the flesh covers the bone
and they put a mind
in there and
sometimes a soul,
and the women break
vases against the walls
and the men drink too
much
and nobody finds the
one
but keep
looking
crawling in and out
of beds.
flesh covers
the bone and the
flesh searches
for more than
flesh.

there’s no chance
at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular
fate.

nobody ever finds
the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

(Ref: https://www.poemhunter.com/charles-bukowski/)

Day 871

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“I have opened a door that can never be shut. How will I ever get her to trust me again?”

19 out of 20 people who attempt to end their lives will fail.

These survivors will be at a 37% higher risk of suicide.

Anger, shame, guilt, fear, minimization and avoidance are few of the reactions they evoke.

The taboo associated with the act might make them feel even more isolated. Their families may not know how and where to access support for themselves and their loved one. The ones closest to them may feel drained, stressed, exhausted and let down. The trust between the two might be deeply damaged.

Their relationship might reach an all time low, just when it needs to be solid.

Both need to take responsibility for their own well-being and  that of each other.

Here are a few useful resources.

Ref:

Supporting someone after a suicide attempt:
https://www.suicideline.org.au/media/1114/supporting_someone_after_a_suicide_attempt.pdf

Advice for those who survived:
http://blog.ted.com/real-advice-for-those-whove-attempted-suicide/

TED: