Things were often not in their place. I couldn’t find them and I had no time to look. I was not happy.
The litter tray was not emptied out as often as it should be.
The take-away pizza box with one cold leathery piece in it from 2 days ago was still under his bed.
The laundry bag was full 3 days ago and now overflowing!
The white wall along the stair case was marked with black steaks from carrying the drum kit up and down the length of it many times.
The air-bed in his room had given up because too many of his friends had crashed on it at the same time.
The living room furniture would be upside down because a rehearsal was going on with all kinds of musical instruments.
The neighbours heard his drumming from the moment he got back from school.
The house never looked exactly the way I wanted it to because it was just not tidy enough. I complained!
Now it is clean and quiet. But it is still not exactly the way I would like it to be.
Now I know how lovely that time was.
gratitude
Day 546
Today was a Thursday in the middle of this month. On another Thursday in the middle of October, a year and a half ago, Saagar said he ‘can’t take this anymore.’
Today we held a vigil at Hyde Park in the memory of Saagar and others like him – those who wouldn’t believe how precious they are and those who lost all hope. It was the second one of its kind. Not all of us knew each other but in a strange way we did. We all came with pictures of our loved ones and placed them in the centre of a circle we formed around them. We lit candles in their memory. We thought of them with love as the sun went into hiding.
The wind blew at 10 miles an hour as predicted by the weatherman. Some candles stay lit and others were blown out by it. I caught myself saying, ”We’ll keep them going for as long as we can.” Symbolic? A little later, someone said “ It’s not always the wind, some lamps stop burning because the oil in them is finished.” How true.
The silence we shared was most profound. Tears fell. Lots of them. Some silently. Some mini-storms.
Saagar’s friends were there – 8 of them. His best friend, H announced that he had never sung in public before but Saagar always encouraged him to. So, this was his first time, singing and strumming his guitar in front of a gathering of people. He sang soulfully. The music was once again, connecting us all with each other and with nature. It allowed the feelings to flow. “Tears in heaven” and “Wish you were here” were super hits.
There were a lot of hugs. Every time his friends and I hugged, I felt his presence. They hugged me and the part of me that is him. I hugged them and the part of them that is him. Some of the pain eased. We found some healing.
Day 545
His closest friend, H came around today. He brought his guitar that he’s learning to play. He has been learning and ‘messing around’ with it lately. Enjoying it and improving rapidly.
We reminisced about the 2 identical pairs of tracksuit bottoms that he and Saagar bought together from TK Max one winter. The trousers were in the women’s clothing section but H really liked them. They were light grey with 3 bright pink stripes running along the length of both the sides. H wanted to buy them but was a bit embarrassed. To make it easier for H to buy them, Saagar bought a pair too. When they brought the 2 pairs home, H and I changed into them instantly and I completely fell in love with them. I wore them this evening.
He enjoyed the food I cooked for him (or so he said) even though he found it a bit hot. But he is used to that, having spent so much time with Saagar. He strummed his guitar and sang a few songs. The music was so soothing! He sang ‘Hello from the other side’ to perfection! We talked about golf, girlfriends, clothes, food, holidays, the full name of ‘B&Q’ and other inconsequential facts.
We watched a few funny Youtube clips together and had a good laugh. We exchanged notes on our respective cats and showed each other entertaining photographs of them.
It was a beautiful evening.
Day 540
An expert digger helped me dig through some of my stuff today. We discovered some precious gems: letting go, surrender, acceptance, forgiveness, healing and love.
I was introduced to the fascinating concept of Soul Contracts – pre-birth agreements we have with other souls to help our soul grow and evolve.
Before each lifetime a sacred contract is chosen and agreed by our higher self or Soul. It aims to progress with its own growth through the karmic lessons to be learnt and the experiences to be had. The Soul Contract is made between two souls who’s interaction and relationship, no matter how brief, is important to the progression of spiritual growth.
These souls become the key people in our life: parents, friends, romantic partners, spouses, siblings and kids. These souls may also be people that we only know for a short time but who have a substantial impact on our life and create opportunities related to our growth.
Once we learn the lessons these contracts are designed to teach us, we can be free of them indefinitely. We can take control of our life, fully express our gifts and and enjoy the life we were born to live.
I wonder what the ‘Soul Contract’ between Saagar and I said? As for learning and growth, I have learnt a lot about joy, friendship and compassion from Saagar’s life and am now learning so much more through his passing.
Is all of this pre-determined?
Day 538
In my job I have the privilege of looking after some octagenarians and nonagenerians. They are my favourites. They seem to understand the meaning of hardship and are most grateful for the time and services they receive. I find the majority of them very gracious.
While browsing through a magazine I came across an article on Diana Armfield, an artist. She is 95 years old and I read with interest the lessons she has learnt from her rich and accomplished life.
Here I quote a few of them that resonated with me:
- Money isn’t as important as you think. Try to have enough but don’t set out to have lots because there is just no need. Enough is ‘enough’.
- Look after yourself. It’s important whatever your age. I do the exercises I am told to but it’s not easy – it’s so boring!
- Don’t question happiness when you find it. Pursue the things that interest you and take time to get to know yourself.
- Not everything needs to be ‘perfect’ in life. Anxiety has been a big problem for me. I’ve always panicked that unless I put 110% into things, they won’t work out. I used to worry constantly about ‘getting it right’ and it’s only now that I’m older I’ve realized things naturally tend to work out for the best. If you’re a worrier like me, it’s imperative to communicate your anxieties to your friends and family – they can almost always help.
- Make the most of everyday. Growing old is annoying because you need to ‘rest’ throughout the day. It means the day isn’t long enough to do all you want to do – so make the most of the uninterrupted days of youth while you can.
Now I think I need to get some ‘rest’. 😉
kidsaregifts 