Memories

Day 615

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He didn’t complain.

Looking back, so many things happened but he did not complain. He managed. He smiled. He coped.

He could sense the slightest worry in my voice. When I spoke on the phone with a family member or friend he would ask me the reason for any phrase with an exclamation mark. He was very sensitive and he felt not only his own but other people’s pain deeply too.

When he was in primary school I found out about the bullying long after it had started. I discovered it accidentally when he mentioned his friend A, who always stood up for him when the others were being mean to him. When I spoke to his teacher about it she completely denied any knowledge of such goings on. That also meant that she would not do anything to stop it because it did not exist. It was a battle. When I would be visibly upset over anything, he would say, “Mamma, let it be.”

He didn’t complain.

Looking back, so many things happened but he did not complain. He managed. He smiled. He coped. For as long as he could.

Day 614

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Seventeen years ago I packed a suitcase and flew from New Delhi to Belfast with 200 pounds and a job contract in my pocket. I didn’t have even one acquaintance in Belfast but I had fire in my belly. I wanted to study further, be better at my job and create a brighter future for my family.

Although my colleagues were very friendly I did not have any friends for a while. What kept me going was keeping a gratitude journal. Every evening I wrote down 5 things I was grateful for and went to bed smiling even though I missed my family a lot. I have misplaced those journals but I hope I will find them and read them again.

I found one random entry dated 1st Jan 2001 –

“Another year.
Another slot in the Time Machine.
Another measure of nothing.
Another invisible milestone.
On the road to an unknown destination.

Time and Ego are brothers. The latter being completely identified with the former – held upright by it’s past, it thinks it is ‘so and so’in the present and will be even more ‘so and so’ in the future.”

This blog is a journal of sorts. It helps me a great deal.
Today’s entry would be:

– Thank you for the gorgeous summer solstice, a full day of sunshine and the full moon.

– Thank you for my third Mental Health First Aid course with 14 participants. (Bringing the total to 37)

– Thank you for Saagar and the strength and purity of his love.

– Thank you for Si and his tender loving care.

– Thank you for this mind, body and spirit.

Thank you!

Day 607

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Wonder what it’s like to be 18 or 19.
To have a decent upbringing and great friends.
To have a sharp mind and many talents.

To find out life is complicated.
To learn relationships are difficult.
To know jobs are hard to find.
To have faith you can cope. To have hope.

To be ruled by an un-understandable mind.
To have no tools to dissect the goings-on within.
To hold a fascinating companion and a deadly enemy inside.
To be able to handle them both tactfully.
To have no way of showing them to others.
To not know how much of you is you and how much is them.

To believe you can conquer these beasts.
To hope you can make them beautiful.
To see them as extensions of yourself.
To watch them distort your moods and thoughts.
To love life one minute and abhor it the next.
To watch the clouds of confusion slowly shutting out the light.

To resort to silence as time goes by.
To watch your friends move ‘ahead’.
To feel left behind, small and inadequate.
To have to contend with the inaccessibility of Life.
To loose faith in medicines and trust in medics.
To be utterly lost.

Wonder what it’s like to be that 20 year old.