Memories

Day 551

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Having no time to think is not a bad thing.
It also means there is less time to hurt.
Running around chasing time.
Legitimately pushing feelings aside, rushing hurriedly past them.
Fully justified.

Back at my parents home,
lying in our bed, Saagar’s and mine when he was a baby,
looking at his beautiful pictures on the wall,
I cannot sleep.
Every toss and turn is filled with the crushing pain of memories,
that have left purple bruises on me..
The black ink of the night settles on me.
No matter how many times I splash it with the water of dawn, it refuses to leave.
The sun doesn’t darken me as much as the darkness of night.

A wanderer.
I have travelled through smoky galaxies like an entangled spark of consciousness,
an errant drop of divinity.
Landed on the earth like a moment cut-off from Time.
I wander aimlessly.
No country yet.
Neither a street, nor a home.
I wander as a soul in my own body.
Where is the destination?
Or is it just an illusion?
Like everything else?

Day 547

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Things were often not in their place. I couldn’t find them and I had no time to look. I was not happy.
The litter tray was not emptied out as often as it should be.
The take-away pizza box with one cold leathery piece in it from 2 days ago was still under his bed.
The laundry bag was full 3 days ago and now overflowing!
The white wall along the stair case was marked with black steaks from carrying the drum kit up and down the length of it many times.
The air-bed in his room had given up because too many of his friends had crashed on it at the same time.
The living room furniture would be upside down because a rehearsal was going on with all kinds of musical instruments.
The neighbours heard his drumming from the moment he got back from school.
The house never looked exactly the way I wanted it to because it was just not tidy enough. I complained!
Now it is clean and quiet. But it is still not exactly the way I would like it to be.
Now I know how lovely that time was.

Day 545

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His closest friend, H came around today. He brought his guitar that he’s learning to play. He has been learning and ‘messing around’ with it lately. Enjoying it and improving rapidly.

We reminisced about the 2 identical pairs of tracksuit bottoms that he and Saagar bought together from TK Max one winter. The trousers were in the women’s clothing section but H really liked them. They were light grey with 3 bright pink stripes running along the length of both the sides.  H wanted to buy them but was a bit embarrassed. To make it easier for H to buy them, Saagar bought a pair too. When they brought the 2 pairs home, H and I changed into them instantly and I completely fell in love with them. I wore them this evening.

He enjoyed the food I cooked for him (or so he said) even though he found it a bit hot.  But he is used to that, having spent so much time with Saagar. He strummed his guitar and sang a few songs. The music was so soothing! He sang ‘Hello from the other side’ to perfection! We talked about golf, girlfriends, clothes, food, holidays, the full name of ‘B&Q’ and other inconsequential facts.

We watched a few funny Youtube clips together and had a good laugh. We exchanged notes on our respective cats and showed each other entertaining photographs of them.

It was a beautiful evening.

 

Day 536

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It’s nice to have texts, Facebook and Whatsapp messages from friends staying in touch. It’s nicer to get a phone call and have a chat about things. It’s even better to sit with a friend or acquaintance for a while and talk. Tea and toast on top is just the best.

Lately I met a young man of about 30 who is a keen swimmer. In general conversation, sitting in a circle with other people the topic of horse-riding came up and all of a sudden I saw a quiver run across his lower lip, his face tightened and his eyes lowered. In that moment a dark shadow seemed to have engulfed him. In due course it emerged that he had had a riding accident in his adolescence which had left him deeply traumatised.  A diagnosis of PTSD had been made and he had received treatment for a few years before he felt better. If I had been speaking with him about this on the phone, I would probably have missed the subtle clues that came through his body language.

They say 93% of communication is non-verbal. By paying attention to posture and facial expressions it is possible to guage someone’s feelings and to some extent thoughts. Our subconscious speaks through the way our body holds itself.
“How are you?”
“I am ok.”
How often do spoken words not match body language. The incongruity is apparent in person but not on text, Facebook or whatsapp.
It’s easy for us to think we have got in touch with our friends through these electronic media and be reassured by their answers but it is not difficult for them to hide behind these media and not reveal the whole truth.

September/October is the time when most students go back to their school or university and get busy settling down with their new friends, routines and courses. Saagar’s friends did the same while he stayed at home. We talked about that year being the ‘gap year’ which he had never taken. Once he got better we planned to go travelling. His friends couldn’t be there for him in person but they kept in touch with him through social media and the phone.

On the morning of ‘Day 0’ I called Saagar from work as usual around 10 am to wake him up. I noticed that he was a bit quieter than normal but that wasn’t entirely surprising. I texted him in the afternoon to ask how he was doing. Saagar’s last text to me was, “Just on a walk x”. The truth, but not the whole truth.

Day 530

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Self-harm. What can we do?

Well, the most important thing is to keep one’s prejudices aside. It is also the most difficult. Ask them how they feel and listen with empathy.

Put no blame on them so they don’t feel guilty about it. Respond as calmly as you can and try not to appear shocked or angry. Don’t be dismissive. Self-harm could be an important warning sign.
Perform first aid and accompany the person to A&E or the GP as appropriate.
Ask directly about suicidal thoughts.
If they share thoughts of suicide, continue listening and ask open-ended questions.
Stay with them.
Reassure them.
Tell them about the treatments and support available such as school nurses and CAMHS for the young and clinical psychologists, psychiatrists and counsellors in general.

Introduce them to ways in which they can help themselves: relevant books and websites; keeping a mood diary to monitor thoughts and feelings; regular exercise and healthy eating; reducing caffeine; getting support from friends and family; identifying enjoyable activities and finding ways of spending time doing those; identifying local support groups and addressing underlying mental health problems.

Saagar’s discharge letter from psychiatric services said – “No history of self harm.” They were wrong. On questioning they said that it was because he had never presented to A&E having harmed himself. But that is not a criterion. I don’t know if he was ever specifically asked about it or whether he misled them. He had prominent burn marks on his left forearm that could easily be picked up by trained eyes. When I asked him about it he made up a story to assuage my worries and made nothing of it.

I didn’t pick up the seriousness of it and sadly, we never spoke about it.