It was a cold and foggy day of fasting, meditating, sitting on a stone floor on a straw mat for four and a half hours performing some intricate and fascinating rituals accompanied by the rhythmic chanting of 5 brahmin priests and repeating my son’s name seemingly a thousand times. All the familiar ingredients were there – fire, water, flowers, milk, honey, sandalwood, vermillion powder, tulsi leaves, mango leaves, coconuts, plenty of clay pots, yogurt, fruits, coins and notes, rice, sugar and ghee.

The aim of the prayers was to direct and empower his soul to transcend into the realm of the Gods – Brahma, Vishnu, Siva and Yama. Once that was accomplished I was glad to hear that he now belongs in the ‘higher beings’ category and I could ask him for whatever I like without shedding any tears. That made me smile my special smile for him.

My body feels like it has aged a hundred years over the past few months yet my mind feels lighter today. My breath is slow and joyful. I can see the beginnings of acceptance. I can now utter his name without breaking down inside. I’ve even noticed that every now and then I have a spell of a few minutes when I don’t think of him.

Put your thoughts to sleep,
let them not cast a shadow
over the moon of your heart.
Drown them in the sea of love.

– Rumi.

Back in Varanasi for the last of the last rites.

There are 2 reasons why this prayer is being done. First one is to ask for forgiveness on my son’s behalf for having made the mistake of ending his own life. Secondly, to clean the impressions of sadness and dejection from the mind and memory of his soul. It is believed that we often wake up from sleep thinking of the same things that were on our mind when we fell asleep. The prayers tomorrow will be made to Lord Shiva, who is the Lord of the Living and the Dead. The Hindu belief is that He will refresh his spirit and enable my son’s soul to achieve ‘Moksha’ – the freedom from the cycle of birth and death. This is what the saints and wise men spend their lives trying to achieve.

I feel grateful to be here, once again at the seat of profound knowledge and in close proximity to the pious Mother Ganges. This is the best I can do for him and for myself now. It is another opportunity to reaffirm my faith in the Universe, keep my peace and resolve some more of the grief.

Over the last week I have established contacts with his School and University expressing a desire to work with them to increase the awareness of mental illness in young people. Both the organisations have felt this need too and reciprocated with the intention of working together to the same end.

‘Loka samasta sukhino bhavantu.’ (May all people everywhere be happy.)
– Hindu prayer.

“Coaches are paid to win, teachers are valued for getting students into the best colleges. Less glamorous gains made along the way such as learning, wisdom, growth, confidence, dealing with failure are not given the same respect because they can’t be given a grade.” (William Zinsser in his book ‘On Writing Well’)

Speaking with a young lady while on holiday, I was surprised to hear that when she expressed her desire to be a teacher after finishing school, her teachers were somewhat disappointed. Apparently the only jobs worth pursuing are in ‘the city’ or as a lawyer or doctor. Was that the actual opinion of the teachers or was the reputation and grading of the school their main concern? How about education being about enabling young people to be more self-aware and empowering them to make choices that are right for them?

Ultimately, life is about expression. Be it our choice of words, actions, thoughts, facial expressions, hobbies, professions, humour or the clothes we choose to wear. Each of us is delightfully unique and brings to this planet what no one else can. How can the kids be happy when the very people and organisations that are meant to help and guide them to live their lives to its full potential want to put them into little boxes?

In a country like India where a score of 94% is not considered ‘good enough’ at A Levels, imagine how many young people feel highly inadequate. Consider how scandalous it would be, in this day and age, if a young lady spoke up and said that she would like to dedicate her life to having a lovely family and looking after them well. It would be amazing to see what the world would look like if each person could have the freedom to choose their path so that they could be the best they can be, not in terms of achievements by an external yardstick but finding fulfilment by their own parameters.

21 years old university student James went to a walk-in centre at Newcastle feeling very anxious and suicidal in December 2006. He was referred to A&E in the same category of priorities as a toothache. He waited for half an hour and then left. 2 days later he ended his own life. His parents, Nick Wentworth-Stanley and Clare Milford Haven set up a charitable foundation in his memory: www.jwsmf.org

An alliance of suicide prevention charities called TASC (http://www.tasc-uk.org/) is working hard to spread information, identify gaps and provide effective action to reduce suicides and influence policy makers to formulate preventative strategies and working with media to report responsibly.

Campaign against living miserably, CALM (www.thecalmzone.net) is a charity with a sole purpose of reducing male suicide in the UK. It has recently published an audit trying to understand the causes for male suicides: https://www.thecalmzone.net/2014/11/masculinity-audit/

The report suggests a cycle of depression, frustration and unhealthy behaviours develops in men which is difficult to break. Ensuring men feel they can speak to someone about depression is paramount. The audit makes other astute observations that are enlightening.

Harmless, Grassroots, Mind, Bipolar UK, Equilibrium, Rethink Mental Illness, Papyrus, Maytree, Samaritans, If U care share Foundation are other charities doing truly inspiring work in this field.

So much is being done, yet so much more needs done. Wonder how I can make a difference.

The BBC update published yesterday says that 8304 people have died of Ebola all over the world in the latest outbreak, one of them in the UK.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-28755033

The 2014 Government update on suicides says that 4513 people have died of suicide in the UK alone in 2012, a trend that continues to be maintained at a very high level till date.

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/278120/Suicide_update_Jan_2014_FINAL_revised.pdf

The same year 40,600 people died of suicide in USA, 1 every 13 minutes.

How much coverage does this real epidemic get in the media? Why? Is it because it is not a physical illness? Is it because it does not generate enough fear in the populace? Or is it because it does not figure anywhere in the priorities of the governments?

I have felt like an utter fool for all this time for not knowing so much about this problem despite being a medical professional. Now, that it has landed right on my doorstep, I am forced to look at it closely. The more I look, the more information and gaps I find.

It is clear to me that Mental illness is something we, the public need to learn and talk more about because the NHS and the government do not seem to care.