The various spaces in my head are vacant and full at the same time,
My heart starts to ache anywhere, anytime,
At having to let him go in his prime.
There seems to be no reason or rhyme,
For the clocks to chime.

Memories flood me from all sides,
Bringing joy and despair out from where they hide,
The inner chattering and the chides,
Take a stance opposite to my side!

The hearts on his pyjamas are lavender,
His name has vanished from my calender,
I know I need to surrender!
I wish he would show up in my dreams someday,
‘I love you, my darling!’ I would say.

Letting go completely is the thing to do, I know.
How do I do it? Where do I go?
Is this an ‘opportunity’ for me to grow?
I am not sure. Doesn’t feel like it. I don’t think so.

My field of energy expands and contracts all day long,
I watch the waves rise and fall,
Sometimes I am so proud and stand tall,
Other times I feel like rolling up into a ball
And plunge into a slumber too deep for any call.

This morning I opened my eyes with the thought of more than 132 families who would be living through a nightmare right next door in Peshawar about 500 miles away. Is it humanly possible for something like this to happen in our world? What devilish forces must it take to make an assault on oneself like this? All around us there are governments eating themselves up from within, cities imploding and economies that self-destruct. Here is a classic example of a universe gorging itself and a community chomping off bits of itself. Why? There is no other!

Is it a coincidence that people, the young in particular, mirror what they see around them and turn on themselves?

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Here is an enlightening talk on new development in the early diagnosis of Suicide and Mental Illness (or Brain illness).

One day he came back from a ‘hippie’ summer festival and gave me a big hug saying smilingly, “I got a tattoo”. I was a bit surprised. He then went on to show me this beautiful little picture of a baby elephant with a bigger one drawn in profile on his back just above his waist. “This is you and me.”, he said. How sweet! I took a picture which I think I have attached to this post but I am not sure if it has worked. As you know being an ‘old person’ working on a computer, one can never be sure.

There are so many lovely memories I have that make my heart go all warm and fuzzy!

Every time I walk past his portrait, I smile and blow him a little kiss. I am so grateful for the light he brought to my life, for all his friends who are now my friends and for all the love that has found expression in my life because of him.

In a way I am glad that he did not have to suffer the pain of loosing any of his dear ones during his lifetime. I love him dearly but he loves me more. My sweetheart. xxx

Compiling old pictures of a dear one who holds a special place in your heart, whom you miss greatly and yearn to be with again is a terrible process. Especially the videos! Seeing them talking, moving, pulling faces and doing all the things that were so ‘them’ and knowing that this will only ever be possible on screen is nauseatingly heart wrenching. I have done it a few times – once for the memorial in London and yesterday again, an updated version for the prayer service and memorial held today with all the family and friends in India.

The ceremony was witnessed by the sacred fire, the chief of all the Gods to whom various offerings were made. The priest reminded us of the impermanence of everything. He equated life with a river which appears to be continuous but is changing every moment. Just like a river is composed of many molecules of water, so is life, made of a series of moments, none of whom are identical. Everything is ever changing – our thoughts, our bodies, the times. When the times are good, be sure that tough times are not far behind and vice versa. He also brought to mind the fact that many people have been through even greater difficulties which have shaped their lives and inspired them to live more meaningful lives.

At present, I feel completely and utterly useless. Not working. Not doing anything else. Just getting through life, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. I don’t recognise myself.

Just realised that I have created Day 29, two times. Getting back in synchronicity now, with everything generally. So, Day 56 had to go.

I also realised that the words ‘I’, ‘my’ and ‘mine’ appear in this blog time and time again. That is a well known cause of unhappiness too. What is mine really? Who am I? A false sense of ‘self’ created through defining oneself through things, people or roles? The dream like fog of Varanasi has blurred the lines between the sky and earth, land and water, you and me and life & death for me for ever.

One bit of good news is that the two sets of investigators spoke with each other and agreed that they need to study the details of this case together for their work to be meaningful. It is good to be heard. I thank them for taking our suggestions on board. Listening is an art. A very rare one. Being listened to feels really good. I could not do my job if I did not listen. One third of all ‘communication’ is listening or receiving information. I suppose it is for us to make sure we hear and are heard, one way or another. Speak loud and clear. Take responsibility when I allow what I say to go unheard. Think about why that might be. Is it because other people’s opinion of ‘me’ might change for the worse? How much does that really matter?