surrender

Surrender is not defeat.

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(Photo credit: Sangeeta Mahajan. Exeter)

“I am trying so hard. What more can I do?”

Our unmet expectations, people’s insensitivities and our own regrets and strife are recurring themes in our discussions within the Circle of Remembrance, a peer support group for parents bereaved by suicide.

Caught up in coping with our life and getting rid of a negative sense of self or tolerating something someone said or did or didn’t, our focus on ourselves does not fade.

What if we stop the war on ourselves?

Stop all effort of fixing, doing, striving. Take a pause.

Buddha’s greatest disciple was Ananda. Until Buddha’s death Ananda was deeply devoted to him. After his death when the great council of the Enlightened was called, Ananda was not invited. Despite all his hard work, he had not reached Enlightenment. So, that evening he sat down to meditate, determined to attain full enlightenment. He practiced vigorously all night. After many hours he was exhausted. No progress! He was discouraged. Towards dawn, he decided to let go of the striving and just lie down and rest. The moment his head touched the pillow, he was enlightened.

What made it happen? Simply resting in presence.

Waking up out of his thoughts and opening his heart.

He had prepared the ground for awakening through many years of practice.

Surrendering all the ‘doing’.

Relaxing back into awareness that was already there, he realized freedom.

A sacred pause. Letting go of ego and ceasing all effort.

We may not be able to ‘will’ surrendering but our inner wisdom knows that the pathway is surrender.

Our mind can be quiet and present. Our heart can be willing and prayerful.

But awareness does the work.

In the light and tenderness of Awareness, thoughts dissolve, bodily resistance softens, fears and grasping unwind.

Awareness illuminates its own presence – the truth of who we are.

It is not ‘I’ who does the surrendering, rather the tangles of the sense of self naturally release in the light of open, tender, non-doing presence.

The answer to ‘what more can we do’ may be, rest back in what is.

(Inspired by Tara Brach teachings.)

Lashings of Time.

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What do I say to the lone black eye-lash on my cheek?

I say bring me the colours of the rainbow

The pot of gold and all

Bring me the joys of the seasons,

Most of all, the fall.

The Autumn comes,

Once again

The yellows, auburns and ochres divine.

Hidden daggers behind their cloaks

They drop

When I open these arms of mine.

Its in their eyes

The fear of stabbings of memory

The tears of the sea.

Let it go.

Let it rest.

Let it be.

All that matters is here in me.

In the green apple and the oak tree.

I have and hold the world

that was, is and will be

in the blackness of my lashes

till eternity.

We are one my love. You and me.

I feared I would forget

I wrote it all down

I panicked I’d lost you

Never again to be found

But you are here

In every word, smile, tear.

I didn’t think I could bear it

But I did and I do.

This thorn has made a home in my heart.

I do not die.

I breathe through.

Its a great surprise

To rise

each day

To the umbrellas and shoes of life

As if nothing ever changed.

But all is new.

Me and you are sweethearts.

Inseparable.

One is the sand. The other, sea.

One is the hand. The other, lines of destiny.

Dear Beloved,

I place my pettiness at your feet.

The sense of separation,

The sad longing born of it,

The seeming disappointments,

Imperfections and regrets too,

I offer them all 

To you.