the now

Day 636

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 “Wake Me Up”
Wake me up when it’s over,
Wake me up when it’s done,
When he’s gone away and taken everything,
Wake me up.

Wake me up when the skies are clearing,
When the water is still,
’cause I will not watch the ships sail away so,
Please say you will.

If it were any other day,
This wouldn’t get the best of me.

But today I’m not so strong,
So lay me down with a sad song,
And when it stops then you know I’ve been,
Gone too long.

But don’t shake me awake,
Don’t bend me or I will break,
Come find me somewhere between my dreams,
With the sun on my face.

I will still feel it later on,
But for now I’d rather be asleep.

– By Norah Jones.

 

 

 

Day 635

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A few weeks ago I responded to an advertisement from NICE (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) for the appointment of lay topic expert members on to a Public Health Advisory Committee on Suicide Prevention. I was excited about this timely opportunity – I would meet other people who are passionate about the subject and I would have a chance to contribute constructively and to make an impact on a large scale. It took me a few hours to put the application together. I booked leave for the proposed training days in anticipation and waited patiently for a reply.

I heard from them last week. After careful consideration they had decided not to appoint me on the committee. Bummer!

Well, I can only do what I can do from where I am with what I have.

Like this humming bird –

Day 632

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(Naughty…)

It started off with one thing and as the day went on it got stronger and stronger. By the end of the day it got unbearable and the dam broke.

When Saagar and I went shopping for groceries together, he wouldn’t let me touch the trolley. He wanted to be fully in charge of it. Sometimes, just to annoy him I would touch the edge of the trolley with the tip of my little finger and he would most predictably remind me to keep my hands off. It was our little game.

This morning Si and I went shopping together. I wheeled the trolley in and Si casually placed his hand on the edge of it. The memory hit me hard in the face. For a few seconds I completely lost my bearings. I wasn’t sure what to say or feel or do. I just walked around absently following Si and the shopping list.

The rest of the day the feeling of not knowing what to say or do stayed with me. As for feelings – I felt a deep, deep loss and totally lost. I also felt helpless and stuck. I couldn’t really have a proper conversation with anyone. I just listened and nodded and smiled. Everyone seemed to be at a completely different place from me. I felt like I had nothing in common with them. Luckily it was a day of walking in the countryside with close family so there were no particular demands on me. I could just be myself and observe my ‘stuff’.

Thereafter the breeze, the sun shining from behind the clouds, the kids running around and playing, the French signage at the restaurant…. everything painfully reminded me of him.

Finally when the live band of 3 young men started to play and the drums came on nice and loud, the dam broke.

 

Day 630

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She had met Saagar just once. He had come to my hospital to see a colleague in August 2014 and we sat in the tea-room, chatting. She was there too. I had to go but she stayed and spoke with him for a while. She found him very engaging and charming. In fact, she really liked him. She had 3 sons in their late teens/early twenties and we would often talk about our sons. Although we never saw each other socially, we were much more than work colleagues.

She attended Saagar’s memorial service. She was heartbroken for me when he died. She was the first one to have a hot chocolate with me after that as she knew what it meant for me. When I restarted work, Thursdays were most difficult. It was a cursed thursday that I came to work and left him alone to deal with his demons. I came to this very hospital. I saw her on Thursdays. With her kind eyes, generous smile and friendly chat, she slowly made me forget what day of the week it was. I looked forward to seeing her again. We greeted each other with a warm hug every time and made time for a heart to heart. I treasured the time spent with her. On many occasions we tried to meet up socially but it somehow didn’t work. But she read this blog everyday. She said it had become her ‘thought for the day’. She was one of those people who emerged out of nowhere and stood by me like a sacred pillar, being my source of strength and giving me all the credit for it.

Last week she was in her favourite country on holiday. She fell very ill and despite good medical care, passed away within 3 days.

Where do all the good people go? How do I get to grips with this new reality? What now? All over again!

Does she get to see Saagar now? Do they still have a special connection? Are they able to comfort each other? How does this whole thing work?

Love you and miss you M. Peace be upon you. xxx

Day 628

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Table

A man filled with the gladness of living
Put his keys on the table,
Put flowers in a copper bowl there.
He put his eggs and milk on the table.
He put there the light that came in through the window,
Sounds of a bicycle, sound of a spinning wheel.
The softness of bread and weather he put there.
On the table the man put
Things that happened in his mind.
What he wanted to do in life,
He put that there.
Those he loved, those he didn’t love,
The man put them on the table too.
Three times three make nine:
The man put nine on the table.
He was next to the window next to the sky;
He reached out and placed on the table endlessness.
So many days he had wanted to drink a beer!
He put on the table the pouring of that beer.
He placed there his sleep and his wakefulness;
His hunger and his fullness he placed there.
Now that’s what I call a table!
It didn’t complain at all about the load.
It wobbled once or twice, then stood firm.
The man kept piling things on.

–Richard Tillinghast