the now

Day 554

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ॐ पूर्णमदः पूर्णमिदं पूर्णात्पुर्णमुदच्यते
पूर्णश्य पूर्णमादाय पूर्णमेवावशिष्यते ॥
ॐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ॥

This Peace Mantra in Sanskrit translates to:
Om, That (Outer World) is Purna (Full with Divine Consciousness); This (Inner World) is also Purna (Full with Divine Consciousness);From Purna comes Purna (From the Fullness of Divine Consciousness the World is manifested) ,
Taking Purna from Purna, Purna Indeed Remains (Because Divine Consciousness is Non-Dual and Infinite).
Om Peace, Peace, Peace.

Sitting up on a large flat roof, under a big expansive sky, breathing in clean green air, listening to soft phasic whistling of multiple forest creatures, looking at the perfect brimming circle of a moon, I felt nothing but gratitude. My heart felt like it was about to burst. Everything seemed to be just as it should be. Nothing was missing. All was harmonious, in tune with all else.
In this place of abundance, I am full. Much more than complete. Nothing is lacking.

Inhale .….”Let”
Exhale…..”Go.”

Inhale …..”Let”
Exhale ….”Go.”

Mmmmmm!!! Bliss!

Day 552

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His bench is ready but I haven’t seen it yet. I have seen the pictures that I am sharing with you.

A delightful young man at Saagar’s old school put it together as his final ‘Design and Technology’ project. He spent a lot of time on developing the idea. He went through many of Saagar’s pictures and stories with me. He read through his memory books. He very politely consulted with me at every stage. He even had me shedding tears on his school blazer at every meeting when I hugged him.

S Bench 2

S Bench 1

S Bench 3

I love the “S” shape. It is elegant and it stands for Saagar and sadly for Suicide too – a co-relation that is established through the bench. For me it is very meaningful. I think the story will be shared widely at installation and on-goingly thereafter so that it carries a message for many other young people. The inscriptions on the bench are well chosen and well done – they also tell part of the story. That he was 20, his hobbies, his humour and his abilities are all well captured. I hope that the school will be able to use this opportunity to educate the boys about the importance of mental well being and asking for help when in difficulty. ‘Never Alone’.

The lime-green legs represent his love for the same colour. It only mentions how old Saagar was, without dates making him ageless in a strange way. It clearly conveys the vulnerability of young men.

A text arrived last night from one of Saagar’s classmates from University, “I hope you’re well. Just wanted to let you know that I’m planning on dedicating my dissertation to Saagar :-> Lots of love to you. xxx”

Creativity, expansion and growth, dedicated to Saagar. How appropriate. He continues to live and his memory continues to inspire. My beautiful boy! Love you!

 

Day 550

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Being back home, in India is comforting and unsettling at the same time. Whilst there is a deep connection between my motherland and I, there is also a great degree of alienation. I sometimes feel like a foreigner in my own country of birth even though all my family lives here.

This evening Si and I attended a wedding with my parents in their neighbourhood. I sensed their awkwardness about introducing us to their community, given that we are a couple but are not married to each other. So we decided that if we are asked directly about our relationship, we would say we are just ‘friends’ knowing full well that we wouldn’t be fooling anyone.

It turned out that we weren’t very good at keeping up any pretences. The first person who met us had been speaking with us for just a few minutes when my father stepped into our group and this gentleman immediately said to him, “I was saying to your daughter and son-in-law….”

At the buffet dinner, I wanted to bring Si’s attention to a particular dish and I sort of called out to him half way across the hall, ”Darling….”. He came up to me and said, “Sweetheart, you ought to be more careful.” We both stopped, looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Saagar must be in fits of giggles.

This reminds of a hindi quote which translates as – Love like fragrance can never be hidden.

 

Day 546

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Today was a Thursday in the middle of this month. On another Thursday in the middle of October, a year and a half ago, Saagar said he ‘can’t take this anymore.’

Today we held a vigil at Hyde Park in the memory of Saagar and others like him – those who wouldn’t believe how precious they are and those who lost all hope. It was the second one of its kind. Not all of us knew each other but in a strange way we did. We all came with pictures of our loved ones and placed them in the centre of a circle we formed around them. We lit candles in their memory. We thought of them with love as the sun went into hiding.

The wind blew at 10 miles an hour as predicted by the weatherman. Some candles stay lit and others were blown out by it. I caught myself saying, ”We’ll keep them going for as long as we can.” Symbolic? A little later, someone said “ It’s not always the wind, some lamps stop burning because the oil in them is finished.” How true.

The silence we shared was most profound. Tears fell. Lots of them. Some silently. Some mini-storms.

Saagar’s friends were there – 8 of them. His best friend, H announced that he had never sung in public before but Saagar always encouraged him to. So, this was his first time, singing and strumming his guitar in front of a gathering of people. He sang soulfully. The music was once again, connecting us all with each other and with nature. It allowed the feelings to flow. “Tears in heaven” and “Wish you were here” were super hits.

There were a lot of hugs. Every time his friends and I hugged, I felt his presence. They hugged me and the part of me that is him. I hugged them and the part of them that is him. Some of the pain eased. We found some healing.

 

Day 545

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His closest friend, H came around today. He brought his guitar that he’s learning to play. He has been learning and ‘messing around’ with it lately. Enjoying it and improving rapidly.

We reminisced about the 2 identical pairs of tracksuit bottoms that he and Saagar bought together from TK Max one winter. The trousers were in the women’s clothing section but H really liked them. They were light grey with 3 bright pink stripes running along the length of both the sides.  H wanted to buy them but was a bit embarrassed. To make it easier for H to buy them, Saagar bought a pair too. When they brought the 2 pairs home, H and I changed into them instantly and I completely fell in love with them. I wore them this evening.

He enjoyed the food I cooked for him (or so he said) even though he found it a bit hot.  But he is used to that, having spent so much time with Saagar. He strummed his guitar and sang a few songs. The music was so soothing! He sang ‘Hello from the other side’ to perfection! We talked about golf, girlfriends, clothes, food, holidays, the full name of ‘B&Q’ and other inconsequential facts.

We watched a few funny Youtube clips together and had a good laugh. We exchanged notes on our respective cats and showed each other entertaining photographs of them.

It was a beautiful evening.